The World’s Largest Church is Being Destroyed Because Drunk Assholes Keep Pissing on It

The tallest church in the world is currently being eroded by swarms of drunk assholes who keep pissing on it.

Ulm Minster, located in southern Germany, measures 531 feet tall and overlooks the river Danube. It’s the centerpiece to the old city of Ulm, and apparently, it’s also the centerpiece for partiers looking for some micturitional relief.

According to city officials responsible for the church’s upkeep, acids and salts in urine are
deteriorating the stone of the Minster’s lower tower, and efforts to inhibit “Wildpinkler” (wild pissers)— such as doubling public urination fines from €50 to €100— haven’t worked. “I have observed it again for the last half year, and once more people are urinating and vomiting on it,” said Ulm Minster’s head mason Michael Hilbert to the Südwest Presse.

“I am not the pee-police, but it’s about maintaining public order,” he continued.

The Baumeister believes that different events such as the wine festival and Christmas market
are to blame for the number of people urinating on the building, and he’d like to see more public toilets to discourage people from relieving themselves outside. That said, a city spokesman told the SWP, that, as long as there are people, this problem is likely to persist.

Construction on the Ulm Minster began in 1377 and completed in 1890. The panorama from the top of the steeple, which involves a slightly terrifying circular climb of 769 steps, overlooks the city of Ulm, and, on a clear day, offers views of the Alps from Säntis to the Zugspitze.