Forget World War Z. World War V is about to be upon the True Blood universe. If its people weren’t praying before, now would be a good time to start.
Thanks to Bill’s evil genius plan, Tru Blood factories are blowing up everywhere you look. The Authority might be celebrating their victory, but Eric isn’t having it. He plots escape, and shady Bill continues to be shady.
Lafayette is still acting as the show’s very own Miss Cleo. Sookie enlists his help in flushing out Warlow, who you’ll remember popped up in her bathroom as an evil portal spirit. Lafayette doesn’t have much luck finding Warlow, but a tip from Sookie’s dead grandma reveals a box of old photos and knick knacks under her bed. What could Jason’s old report cards mean, True Blood writers? Wow us with your storytelling prowess! Also buried in the box is a report on Sookie’s dead parents. It turns out that Bud Dearborn was at the scene of their death. Sookie goes to visit Bud and naturally lands herself in trouble.
Meanwhile, the “Obamas,” as the mask-wearing supe haters are now being called, have Hoyt. Jason and Jessica sort of make up through their mutual worry for Hoyt, and the police begin looking for clues. Sam and Luna use their shifty powers to eavesdrop for any good police tips. Eventually, the police track the Obama killers to a KKK-inspired group lead by “The Dragon,” who happens to be Bud’s new boo. Ready for that report-card tie in? Jason’s teacher/Bud’s former wife had a pig farm—the same pig farm that Hoyt and Sookie are being held hostage in. Connections! Sam and Luna perform naked judo chops on everyone, and the day is saved.
And of course what would an episode of True Blood be without its many plotlines? Trouble is brewing at Merlotte’s, where Patrick has Arlene hostage. Terry shows up, things get ugly and everyone celebrates the death of the Ifrit storyline. Alcide flashes back to his days of very thick eyebrows and wolfy allegiances. Back in packland, Russell Edgington shows up, because duh, he’s the V-supplying vampire. Despite Martha’s vehement protests, Russell hands wolf-pup Emma off to Steve Newell as a pet. (She does make pretty adorable whimpers.) Over at Fangtasia, there’s a new sheriff in town. Spoiler alert: it’s a skinny goth kid with a bad haircut. Pam is not pleased.
The episode wraps up with Eric’s getaway plan failing miserably, thanks to Bill’s betrayal. For the three people who didn’t see that coming, I’m sure it was a big shock.
The problem is that Season 5 hasn’t gone very far. The overall story arc has danced around the same silly plot elements we’ve come to expect with little else. Sure, this episode wrapped up about three different plotlines, but not one of them was that terribly interesting to begin with. Patrick was introduced early in the season, but viewers had little stake in him. Quite frankly, he was kind of an asshole. His death is inconsequential in the scheme of things, unless the angry spirit is actually punking Terry. Is Patrick’s pregnant wife, who we just now learned about going to come after Terry and Arlene? And even if she does, do we care?
Bud Dearborn’s death was unexpected and honestly a little puzzling, but he’s been out of the picture for some time. His final death cry of “Humans rule!” seemed out of character. And, more importantly, it’s really lame. Are you a fifth grader on a skateboard? Humans rule, supes drool? Speaking of supes, the Sam/Luna shooter also wrapped up, meaning the two shifters can finally stop playing detective. Again, when looking at the course of the entire season, it’s an empty victory. After all, they’ve been doing this most of the season, and the resolution felt a little anti-climactic.
As for Lilith and her “I inspire the crazy in you,” I’m ready to move on. Bill’s betrayal and religious epiphanies aren’t shocking or even that interesting. This feels like a rebellious phase for our little Bill—but don’t tell him that, because this is who he really is, okay? The Authority was a far more interesting entity when they were the Big Brother of the vampire world. Now that they’ve been reduced to religious fanatics, their edge is gone. Someone stake Salome, and let’s move on.
As a whole, Season 5 has been dismally underwhelming. Sure, it’s full of its usual cliffhangers, but it feels like the season’s plot has been spinning its wheels in the mud for some time now. With episode 9 wrapping up and only three left to go, you have to ask: is this really it?
Quote of the Night: “Dead folk! Why y’all gotta be so cryptic? It ain’t cute.”
Fun Fact: Vampires say grace at dinner, too. Granted, it’s a little more awkward since their food tends to wriggle and scream so much. Be quiet and bow your head, you heathen!