7 Terrible Right Wing Anti-Hillary Products
More Proof That Right Wing Zealots Aren't Funny
Main image by Chip Somodevilla / Getty Images. Comedy Lists Hillary Clinton
I used to think liberals were the “bumper sticker side” of politics. It turns out I was just living in Los Angeles, and plenty of non LA bumper stickers have lots of things to say about protecting fetuses, guns, and whatever the opposite of that “Coexist” sticker with the different religious symbols is. And they have lots to say about Hillary Clinton. Most anti-Obama merch in ‘08 was tinged with racism and irrational hatred, and the anti-Hillary stuff is tinged with sexism and irrational hatred. Here’s the thing: there are legitimate criticisms of Hillary (though let’s be honest, they’re also legitimate criticisms of Obama, Bill, and that sentient cinder block who ran in ‘04,) but why have legitimate criticisms when you can have bumper stickers, t-shirts and blow up dolls? If you don’t think Hillary Clinton is uniquely hated for things that have nothing to do with her policy proposals, you need to check out these products.
1. “Because I have a Va-jay-jay” bumper sticker
No liberals, to my knowledge, are voting for Hillary because she’s a woman. In fact, I’ve been told by people on both sides that I can’t even be excited about the historic nature of this election. I’ll be honest, I’d totally put this on my car just to annoy the people who say I can’t be happy a woman’s finally made it this far. Bonus points to whoever made this for being too scared to say “vagina.” Somehow, va-jay-jay is so much creepier. You’re talking about a presidential candidate’s genitals—if you try to make it “cute” on top of all that I’m going to assume this sticker’s for a windowless van with a mattress in the back.
2. Hillary for Prison 2016 lawn sign
If you ask someone with a Hillary For Prison sign why she should go to prison, they might say “Benghazi.” If you ask what she did in Benghazi they might say “Benghazi.” There’s this idea that Hillary Clinton’s a criminal, but nobody has the proof to back it up. Why is she a criminal? Because some stuff in her email was retroactively classified? Because …Benghazi? Sometimes I think the right thinks Hillary’s a witch and if they click their heels and say “Benghazi” three times she’ll go away.
3. “Hillary Sucks but Not Like Monica” t shirt
Yay! A ‘90s morning zoo crew DJ became a t shirt! Everybody wants that! Everyone knows that if you were cheated on you’re not fit to be president. Also we should bring it up every day for 20 years. I don’t understand this “Hillary is responsible for everything Bill has done” logic, but boy do people love using it.
4. Hillary Clinton sex doll
Now, to be fair, there is also a Donald Trump sex doll, but only one was splay legged over a mountain of bizarre anti Hillary products at Spencer’s Gifts in Glendale. And only one is a nationally marketed product. The Trump doll was created by Syrian artist Saint Hoax, and I can no longer find it online for purchase. The proceeds from the Trump doll went to the UN Refugee Agency. This doll is a holdover from Bill’s white house days, packaged in a box that says “No Cigars.” (Bonus sexism: When I googled “Donald Trump Sex Doll” the third link down was about Melania. Yay!) This is where I ask Saint Hoax to please, please bring back the Trump doll. I need something to leave in my bed when I finally move out of my parents’ house for the fifth time.
5. “Life’s a Bitch Don’t Elect One” bumper sticker
Little known fact, Hillary Clinton actually wrote the Green Day lyric “Life’s a bitch and so am I the world owes me so fuck you!” Ironically, this lyric is also Trump’s policy platform. Of course nobody cares about that because as a rich white male with a very normal hand size, the world actually owes him a great deal. File this under “women with power are bitches.”
6. “Hillary Clinton KFC Special”
This button has recently been sold at Trump rallies. Everyone knows that the hotter you are, the more qualified you are to be President. That’s why Donald Trump had to tell us about his zero penis problems!
7. Hillary Clinton Nutcracker
Yep. It exists. This is also being sold at Urban Outfitters and Overstock.com in addition to Amazon. I always wondered why certain men would cross their legs whenever Hillary’s name was mentioned. Now I know. Nothing sums up the psychology of sad weak men more than this nutcracker. This is being touted as “A conversation piece at any party!” Because who doesn’t bring nutcrackers to a party, let alone politically divisive ones? If I show up to a party and there aren’t at least three bowls of walnuts I’m leaving!
This is just a small sampling of right wing anti-Hillary merch. You’ll notice these products have nothing to do with her platform or ideology. Most anti-Hillary merch has to do with her looks, her ambition, her husband’s infidelity, or how she makes people feel inside. When I was in first grade my carpool mate Danny told me I couldn’t be president because I’m a girl. Danny votes now. And he might have, like most people our age, grown up with parents who hated Hillary for no reason. The fact is, we as a society have internalized 20 years of right wing smears against Hillary Clinton—and it’s hard to see where those smears (and our discomfort,) came from until we look these products in the face.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.