9 Ways to Celebrate Your Crippling Loneliness This Holiday Season

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As another year winds down and the snow starts to fall, we all find reasons to celebrate. In our places of worship, at our work, in our homes, and wherever else one might find a reason to be thankful, people will once again come together this holiday season and enjoy the warm embrace of their friends, family, and significant others, coming together in fellowship and merriment.

Well, except you.

But hey buddy, that’s okay, too! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or the fact that you don’t have anyone to share the holiday cheer with! You are a strong, independent person who doesn’t need those cookie-cutter ideas such as “love” or “compassion”. So what if you just moved to a new city, or all your friends have already made plans, heck, maybe you don’t even have friends? That’s okay, too! Who needs ‘em, amiright!? There are plenty of ways to have wintertime fun all by your lonesome, without anyone else, all alone. Here are nine of the absolute coolest picks, so take note and take some time to celebrate!

9. Have a Snow ball fight with a tennis ball launcher

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Not enough people to split up into teams? Don’t have any people at all? No problem! With a little from a friend, you can have all the fun you want, with an opponent who will never slow down, tire out, or complain about you “saying weird stuff all the time”. And besides, a tennis ball launcher is way cooler than human. When else would you get to caligraph a sick brag in your journal about how you heroically did battle with a robot, all on your own, without any help from anybody else?

8. Make two snow angels, holding hands, having fun

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Snow angels are a quick way to have fun in the snow. Just plop down and do a horizontal jumping jack. But why stop there? Why not communicate to the next person that walks past just how much fun they are by making a second one? And look, they’re holding hands. And if you make ‘em right, maybe the angels will kinda look like they’re smiling. Presumably because of each other. Maybe they weren’t foolish enough to throw the one good relationship in their lives due to the cruel naivety of youth. Maybe they still have hope about this crazy mixed up world. Maybe, for them, there is still time. Ideally, this narrative will warm the heart of the passersby and, more urgently, yours.

7. Ice skate close to people so strangers will assume you’re part of the group

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Don’t ever feel intimidated by the idea that ice skating is a “group activity.” Anything can be done by yourself if you try hard enough. The social stigma of being the one person out on the ice, aimlessly drifting in the wrong direction while quoting dialogue from the T.V. show Farscape, can be tough sometimes. Something you can do to combat this is find some laughing, smiling people, preferably four or five, and glide just a few feet behind them; far enough away for them not to get suspicious, but close enough so that other people will just naturally lump you in with the gang.

6. Make your own guest list for your holiday meal

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Has this ever happened to you? You slave over a hot microwave, heating up nearly a dozen different lean cuisines for that big holiday party you invited everyone you know to, and literally none of them show up! Not even your cats, Daniel Day-Mewis and Christina Aguill-Hair-a! Ugh!

Have no fear though, there’s an easy solution to all those empty spots at your table. Just grab a couple of your body pillows, dress them up in some formal wear for the occasion, and put a youtube clip of people chatting on loop, and suddenly your drab meal has turned into a fab feast!

5. Put things in online shopping carts so that you’ll get emails reminding you about the gifts you’d totally buy people

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It’s always better to give than to receive, but it gets difficult when you aren’t doing either this holiday season. There is a perfect way to simulate that holiday cheer, however. Just go to your favorite online stores and start adding things to your cart that you think humans would want. A sweater? A ship in a bottle? Rope? Doesn’t matter! Just click “add”, but (and here is the twist) don’t buy anything! That way you’ll get the email reminder that they’re there, waiting for an occasion to buy them, but not actually purchased since you certainly don’t have rope buying money.

4. Build a snowman and generate an elaborate backstory for him

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Who needs to find friends when you can make them, amiright!? All ya gotta do is gather up some snow, a button nose, and two eyes made outta coal, and hey! You’ve got yourself a buddy who’ll never leave you. But why stop there? Your new friend needs a name, and, heck, maybe a profession? How ‘bout a place of birth and strong opinions on gun control? He may not be Parson Brown, but he’ll certainly share your passion for calligraphy!

3. Make reservations for two and loudly remark how “This isn’t like them”

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The end of the year is always great a time to treat yourself and your loved ones to a fancy meal out. Just because you don’t have loved ones doesn’t mean you have to skip this tradition though. Make those reservations at the classy Red Lobster by the mall, then, when the wait staff starts asking where your date is just insist that “they’re just running late.” Make sure you say it loud enough for those around you to hear though, and you’re on your way to that lovely dinner you imagined. Plus, if you tell them it’s your date’s birthday, you might be able to score a free dessert!

2. Start a Pinterest board for your dream funeral

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Wintertime doesn’t always have to be about holidays like Christmas or Hanukah. It’s also a time to celebrate the milestones in one’s life, such as a wedding. Or, in your case, more likely a funeral. Social media is a useful tool these days to really start shaping your fantasy ceremony, and there isn’t a more romantic time of year than winter. There are dozens of fun ideas; do poinsettias or a berry-encrusted wreath fit in more with your ideal “snow-covered cremation?” Remember, Pinterest is just a jumping off point, don’t be afraid to get creative and make your death something people will want to celebrate!

1. Sit by a warm fire and reflect on the cleansing nature of the flame

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There’s nothing more relaxing in these blustery months than sitting in front of a fire with a mug of cocoa. The peace and serenity really lets you reflect and ruminate, lazily calligraphing thoughts in your journal, about all the fun you had, all the people you didn’t need. And how much you’d like to share this fire with them. How warm they’d be if only you were to bring the fire to their homes. Yes, the fire would be so lovely, it’d bring them all together. But then the fire gets a little out of hand, maybe by accident, maybe on purpose. Suddenly, it somehow gets out into the room, just a little. But don’t worry, you’re right there with the fire extinguisher! Now, you’re the hero, and they like that you are around, and they finally start sharing the love you so desperately crave.

Well, with those super seasonal suggestions, you’ll be set straight through to February! Right up until Valentine’s Day, which gets its own, separate, much longer list that a certain cat by the name of Pawdry Hepburn found to be “haunting,” a critique that was hurtful and uncalled for. But the holiday season is a time joy, so pay no attention the haters around you, and go out and have yourself some fun! Happy holidays everyone!

Cameron Petti is a Chicago-land native. He’s currently attempting to survive off of freelance theatre work, and hasn’t had to eat too much cat food to achieve this goal. He also wants to make it clear that this article is completely fictitious and is in no way a cry for help, mom. Check out how happy and full of life Cameron is on twitter at @MstrCPP and on tumblr at mstrcpp.tumblr.com

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