Is Twitter still popular enough to unwittingly bring about the end of civilization? Seems like the microblogging biz has taken quite a hit over the last year or so, what with Facebook assuming the clear lead in election-impacting fake news propagation, the non-stop harassment campaigns against women and minorities on Twitter, and those harassers getting angered by the permanent banning of one or two of the thousands of racist asshole trolls who intentionally try to get banned from things like Twitter so they can expand their brand by whining about censorship and intolerance against conservatives. What’s a @Jack to do?
We’re not here to talk about Twitter as a thing you type into on your phone, though. We’re here to talk about the people who still make the time-devouring soul parasite occasionally worth visiting—the people who, beyond all logic and sense, are able to use this gushing hate spigot to actually entertain and inspire us. Yes, maybe even educate us. From comedians to comedy writers to more comedians to, I don’t know, journalists or bloggers, or whatever?, these were the funniest, most memorable, and just all-around best Twitter accounts of 2016. Enjoy them now, before all of our time becomes devoted to a desperate, unending quest for basic survival, and things like Twitter, reading and laughter become barely remembered legends of a possibly mythological past.
75. Breakfast Haver—@weedguy420boner
Twitter Bio: Not waving but clowning
Best Recent Tweet: Time to get on cyber Monday and order my annual pair of pants
Runner-Up: Really noticing how much my neighborhood has gentrified while looking for a liquor store open on Christmas
74. Conner O’Malley—@conner_omalley
Twitter Bio: spelling and grammar are not important to me
Best Recent Tweet: Donate 2 my gofundme 2 reshoot Indecent Proposal with my parents playing Demi Moore & Woody Harrelson parts me playing Robert Redford’s part
Runner-Up: When the job guy asked for my resume I said “this is me” and pointed at my stone temple pilots shit
73. The Mountain Goats—@mountain_goats
Twitter Bio: from Hell it came to ravage by night
Best Recent Tweet: 2017 is gonna be whatever it’s gonna be but nothing can shake our collective resolve to say “get this:” at the beginning of more sentences
Runner-Up: dude yells “rigged!” all summer and we all ignored the deathless maxim that could have spared us: he who smelt it, dealt it
72. Dana Schwartz—@DanaSchwartzzz
Twitter Bio: Senior @Observer arts and culture writer. See also: @GuyInYourMFA, @DystopianYA.
Best Recent Tweet: My high school teacher once made us all read this poem he wrote out loud in class and it was lowkey about how much he hated teaching us
Runner-Up: LEIA: [entire planet and everyone she know just exploded]
LUKE: NOOOO THE OLD MAN FROM UP THE STREET!!!
LEIA: [looks at the camera like Jim]
71. Chip Zdarsky—@zdarsky
Twitter Bio: SEX CRIMBALS, HOWARD A DUCK, KAPTARA, OUR STAR LORD. Is there anything this man WON’T do? Nope. C’mere.
Best Recent Tweet: Look I don’t want to sound like a misogynist but women have given birth to some really terrible men
Runner-Up: did the death star sign some sort of 9-movie deal I haven’t heard of
70. Jake Fogelnest—@jakefogelnest
Twitter Bio: Hampton DeVille (Comedy Central 2017) • Girlboss (Netflix 2017) • Difficult People • Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp • Billy On The Street
Best Recent Tweet: My new thing is going to be replying “This whole thing is nuts!” on every Facebook comment thread. Not even going to read them first.
Runner-Up: Sure, 2016 has been enormously difficult, but I am the best looking person in this dermatologist’s office waiting room by a long shot.
69. Sara Schaefer—@saraschaefer1
Twitter Bio: Comedian. Stand up album: apple.co/1NEK8Ma Subscribe to my newsletter: :tinyletter.com/saraschaefer Or stalk me here: http://saraschaefer.com
Best Recent Tweet: Honestly I feel like the only thing that would bring Trump down at this point would be a video of him going down on Hillary
Runner-Up: comedy is best when the artist is given total freedom but if that happened for me I’d make an entire show making fun of perfume commercials
68. Megan Beth Koester—@bornferal
Twitter Bio: I am a daughter of the Golden West.
Best Recent Tweet: Want to feel old? Mariah Carey’s holiday hit “All I Want for Christmas Is You” was written 22yrs before America became a terrifying dystopia
Runner-Up: “Mommy,” my fictional 4 y.o. son, Brayden yelled, “the clerk said Happy Holidays, not Merry Christmas!” “Get my blogging pants,” I replied
67. Priscilla Page—@BBW_BFF
Twitter Bio: stygian as fuck http://pantyhouse.tumblr.com & http://motorpsych.tumblr.com
Best Recent Tweet: my sexual orientation is soft ‘70s-dad masculinity
Runner-Up: like an authentic cowboy, today I drove out to farm country and spent most of that time yelling, “holy shit, it’s a fucking horse!”
66. Jake Weisman—@weismanjake
Twitter Bio: Comedian, Diva – Hampton DeVille coming to Comedy Central in 2017
Best Recent Tweet: Just found out there’s no god, wow
Runner-Up: If you’re depressed, congrats, you’re right about stuff
65. Mitra Jouhari—@tweetrajouhari
@fullfrontalsamb | @holyfuckny | @threebusydebras | It’s a Guy Thing @unionhallny | You Are Heard @annoyancenyc | cloak comedian | views = my own
Best Recent Tweet: We have created an America that really opens up a lot of opportunities to be a blonde woman who yells for a living
Runner-Up: Just got a starring role in a student film w/ over 400 sex scenes! No speaking lines (just male voice over) but I think this is my big break
64. Caleb Synan—https://twitter.com/CalebSynan
Twitter Bio: Stand Up Comedian from Last Comic Standing and CONAN. I enjoy margaritas and Billy Joel ~ Watch Me here: https://youtu.be/6WUImcSYyyQ
Best Recent Tweet: If you hated 2016 the good news is next year will be 1950
Runner-Up: I wonder if Trump is jealous of all the attention 2016 is getting
63. Solomon Georgio—@solomongeorgio
Twitter Bio: Homonégro superior. Conan, Comedy Central & Viceland.
Best Recent Tweet: Be careful everyone. Bigots become bigger bigots if you point out their bigotry. If we’re quiet, they’ll find nice ways to murder us.
Runner-Up: I hate when the news makes errors like “Ivanka Trump harrassed” when they mean “Ivanka Trump finally deals with a consequence”.
62. Ron Funches—@RonFunches
Twitter Bio: Powerless on NBC Feb 2nd 8:30pm, 18x @Midnight Champion. Former DDT Pro Ironman Champion. Ambassador of Downtown Leisure.
Best Recent Tweet: Just tried on a shirt that fit that doesn’t have a single X in the size. WTF is this?
Runner-Up: I hate following bad comedians, and good ones, and also mediocre ones, I would like the audience to not have heard of comedy before me.
61. Zack Bornstein—@ZackBornstein
Twitter Bio: Writer at @nbcsnl. Former Supreme Court Justice.
Best Recent Tweet: GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Runner-Up: The only thing I know about celebrity couples is that they each make a list of 5 normal folks they’re allowed to hook up with