The University of Kansas has the Saddest, Most Desperate Men in America, Says Study

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Occasionally, I’ll receive an email from a well-meaning publicist that desperately tries to put a positive spin on a negative reality. It happened in February, when Amazon tried to convince me that Knoxville, TN was the most romantic city in America because its citizens bought the most romance novels and films. I correctly interpreted the true meaning of the study, which was that Knoxville was actually the saddest city in America, since people who buy massive amounts of romance-themed art are sad and lonely.

It happened again today, when an email showed up from a nice lady named Hannahmae Dela Cruz (terrific name) purporting to tell me which schools had the “hottest co-eds.” In Hannahmae’s words:

In honor of March Madness, popular dating site WhatsYourPrice.com is releasing it’s own bracket to determine America’s Hottest Student Body.

The 2015 March Hotness Sweet 16 is based off the average first date price of a college coed on WhatsYourPrice. Using its unique date-offer system, WhatsYourPrice.com ranks “America’s Hottest Coeds.”

So, okay…how to deal with this one? I didn’t really care about the bracket, but I was curious about this website. It seemed like some watered-down version of prostitution, I thought, but surely I must be reading things wrong. Are people actually bidding to date women? I continued reading, eager to clear up this misconception:

WhatsYourPrice.com is a patent-pending “Dating-for-Dollars” website. The dating site allows “Generous” members to bid and pay for first dates with other users, revealing not just how much they are willing to spend on a first date, but on a chance at love. Money is exchanged during the date, and second dates may be arranged either online or off.

Two thoughts.

1. They’re trying to get a patent? I’d love to interview the employee at the U.S. patent office dealing with this case. “Well…technically this not an invention, per se…”

2. I was totally right: This is watered-down prostitution. I’m sure it’s all legal and everything, but, uh…gross. Very, very gross.

Anyway, this is how they determined their ranking of “hottest co-eds.”

WhatsYourPrice.com pulled data from accounts that registered with a “.edu” email, and using its unique date-offer system, the site ranked universities based on the actual prices men are willing to pay for a first date with a female student. The site offers college students a free premium membership upgrade when they register with their university email addresses.

I swear we’ll get to the results in a second, but first, a recap: Men register for this site in order to pay women for the privilege of dating them, which means that said men probably can’t land a date either in real life or the other dating websites—you know, the ones that don’t completely trample the idea of self-respect and gender equality. Nor are they willing to put in the hard work of going to bars or joining kickball leagues or staring at strangers in the public library or however else people meet these days. All of which means that along with being sad, they’re super lazy. They want a date really badly, but since they’re so ill-equipped to make it happen on their own, they’re willing to pay. (I’m not even going to get into the female side of this except to tip my cap, because holy shit, what a racket!)

We have a word for dudes like these, and that word is:

DESPERATE.

So, so desperate.

And finally, we arrive at the actual list! Which college has the most desperate men in America? Congratulations, University of Kansas! You “win”!

The full list:

Rank – University – Average Date Offer

1. University of Kansas – $324
2. Rutgers University – $310
3. University of California Los Angeles – $298
4. University of Southern California – $286
5. University of Mississippi – $263
6. Villanova University – $250
7. University of Texas at Austin – $232
8. Columbia University – $225
9. University of Florida – $218
10. University of Georgia – $209
11. University of Arizona – $198
12. Duke University – $186
13. Louisiana State University – $177
14. University of Virginia – $163
15. University of Notre Dame – $159
16. University of Wisconsin – $150

A few thoughts.

A. Holy shit, Jayhawk men, you’re willing to pay $324 for a date???! And that’s the average??? I don’t understand this at all. At that point, why not just go to Craigslist and hire an “escort”? Believe me, I’m not advocating that path for anyone with an ounce of integrity, but I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who will pay over $300 for a date. Isn’t that just a mis-allocation of resources? It’s like prostitution, but for cowards.

(Or they could pool their resources and hire a basketball coach who won’t lose in the second round to Wichita State, am I right fellow sports fans??)

B. As someone who attended Duke, I expected my school to be much higher on this list. I met a lot of desperate men in Durham, my friends. But I also met some desperate women, so I bet this website results in a lot of desperate marriages at Duke. From now on, anytime I hear of two fellow alums getting married, I’m going to assume they’re lying about how they met, and it actually started as a $186 paid date.

C. Rutgers is a really depressing second place here, because after paying all that money, you have to go out in Piscataway, NJ. Essentially, you’re paying $310 for a case of depression.

D. Surprisingly high results in the 3-4 slots for the Los Angeles schools. Aren’t USC and UCLA co-eds all hip aspiring actors?

E. There are a whole lot of giant public schools on this list, which makes me think there must be a lot of rich graduates with no social skills who are hanging on to their school email addresses and just trolling for undergrads. This whole thing is creepy.

One thing I’m not clear on is whether the dude also pays for the usual date expenses after handing over the cash, but I suppose some mysteries will have to remain unsolved. In any case, congratulations to Lawrence, KS for your impressive supply of desperate men. May I suggest an outing with the good people of Knoxville, TN? You probably wouldn’t even have to pay them $324. Just bring a copy of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, snuggle up, and start the rest of your sad, desperate lives.