You know those recipe videos on FaceBook – overhead shots of a recipe being made, super fast? They’re from a page called Tasty, created by BuzzFeed in their ongoing effort to reduce every aspect of life to a 90 second morsel of content. I follow that page, actually, because the videos are really great and it’s a wonderful way to bookmark recipes – BuzzFeed wins again! How could I resist? Who doesn’t want to learn how to make french toast four ways?
So when I noticed that BuzzFeed had started a new page for DIY projects and crafts called Nifty, I signed the fuck up. I love crafts! I own a drill and love to scrapbook. Clearly, Nifty would be just as good as Tasty, right?
I could not have been more wrong.
This one is only vaguely migraine inducing but it’s just so…. Unnecessary. Number one, this is just a recipe for tie dye. Just call it that! You haven’t invented the color indigo here. Two, one of the ingredients for indigo dye is apparently indigo dye. I love it when my crafts are completely tautological.
Not only do these look like something out of a Cronenberg film, they’re definitely going to pop, and no one is going to be happy about the result.
The most irritating aspect of these crafts are that they’re just so, so time consuming for a result that looks tacky at best. Here you get the best of both worlds, sorta. Washi tape is made out of paper, so, first off, if you use your keyboard with even a tenth of the frequency I do, every single preciously handwritten key is gonna smudge, fade and fall off. Secondly, washi tape is pretty expensive, and you’re supposed to use a lot of it and then use a fucking exacto knife to cut off the excess. Who has the time?
Who has the time? Who has the time? The end result is ugly as all hell and why are you spending time doing this? You’re getting married! Stop making ugly cookies! Why are you not paying someone to do this for you? Isn’t that the point of getting married?
This is just a whole video on how to screw some hooks into wood.
Sometimes when I watch these videos I feel like I am losing my mind. Is this a joke? Is this a real thing people do? Oh yes, we all remember good old Sponge Ball Water Tag! Takes me right back to my childhood, where we gathered our sponge balls to keep cool in the summer heat. Has anyone done this, in their life? Please, let me know, save me from my very specific private hell.
The title for the page that hosts this video is, “Impress Everyone With These Super Simple Yet Elegant Clay Bowls.” Let me assure you: these bowls impress no one. What do you even do with a decorative bowl you buy let alone one you for some reason dedicate time to making yourself? You can’t eat off that shit! That’s what a bowl is for. These might not be elegant but they are simple as fuck.
Ah yes, my favorite genre of Nifty video – the thing that will fall the apart the second it gets wet because it’s just made of cardboard and duct tape. Why would you not just buy a shelf in this instance? This will not help you organize and it’s made out of garbage.
I don’t even know who this is for. Tell me, gentle reader, do you keep reminders of your own mortality hanging around the house all cutesy? I feel like if you wanted to be uncomfortably conscious of your impending death you could just take up smoking. And jesus, these bucket list items, please aim higher. Read ten books? How about instead of spending an incredible amount of time making this morbid object you just read a fucking book.
I promise you, if someone has these in their garden they have absolutely for sure killed someone. This is something only a murderer has. These horrifying, lifeless hands are what Hannibal Lector would deem an appropriate garden decoration. Every single part of the process of making this is tedious and and depressing. It’s like you’re watching joy die.
I’m not losing it right? This is just some shit on a stick. I feel like, Nifty, a website owned and operated by BuzzFeed, accidentally uploaded a DIY video for how to put some shit on a stick and forgot to put a craft in there. How is this a hanging garden? Sure, I guess glue a few soon-to-be-dead plants on there but 90% of this is string on a fucking stick. Is that what you see when you watch this? Because I have watched it so many times I am no longer sure what’s real and what’s not. Is this what a craft is? Should I return my drill? Is anything real? Please help me.
Gita Jackson is Paste’s assistant comedy editor.