As human beings we have many things in common, namely that we are all me. I am the only person that exists. It seems redundant to say that since you already know that because you don’t exist outside of my perception. But then again a lot of things don’t make sense. Why am I the only person? Why is the only other person Chad? Why does Chad take so many forms? Why is it that Chad must be destroyed at any and all costs? These are all questions and no one can say they aren’t because no one else exists besides me and you (who is, again, me) but also Chad (who is not me) and we all know Chad is bad, baby. That is why I am putting this list together of all the known Bad Chads.
1. Chad Kroeger
Another thing we all have in common is disliking the musical group The Nickel’s Back. They show up and say “ey, ya hoosers, who wants to hear some rhythms and melodies?” and we all boo them because they are bad at providing those things. We don’t enjoy broken promises. We also don’t enjoy the front man because he has dumb greasy hair and the devil’s eyes and a long time ago in another form he stole something very dear to me. No one could say this is a good person. He is one Bad Chad.
2. Chad Michael Murray
Also known as “The Pretty Chad”, this Chad has been put on the screen to torment me. I heard about the television show One Tree Hill and I thought “this sounds like my kind of program because I enjoy a nice view to look upon the world that was made entirely for me.” But then who should show up but a Chad? His striking eyes and perfect cheekbones were in stark contrast to me, an anthropomorphic cartoon potato. The rage filled inside me and I yelled “no, Chad, no!” but I still watched the entire series from 2003—2012 even though I didn’t enjoy it as much as I might’ve if it were Chadless.
3. Hanging Chads
If you thought Chad could only be pop culture people, you thought stupidly. Chad can take many forms. He shows up when you least expect it and does some very bad things, like change the course of American history by rigging the election for George W. Bush (birth-name Chad W. Chad) and plunging the country into darkness. Now do you think Chad could be your friend? No. Chad is nobody’s friend. Chad is Bad.
4. Chad (the country)
There are many ways in which Chad can hurt us. For example, the nation of Chad is the 7th poorest in the world and 80% of the population lives below the poverty line. Corruption in the government is rampant and has resulted in the country ranking 5th on Fund For Peace’s index of Failed States. Ummmm, yeah. That’s one very Bad Chad!!!
5. The Original Chad
Once upon a time there was Adam and Eve and Adam and Steve and it was good. Four people. Two Adams. Even numbers. It was a perfect balance and they lived in harmony. Then one day Chad showed up. Everyone collectively went “uuuuuuuughhh, this guy.” But Chad didn’t leave. He just stuck around and made everything worse. It didn’t matter how many times Steve, Eve or the Adams dropped hints like “well I guess we should probably get going now”—Chad would just keep tagging along. Since then he has continued to plague existence throughout all of time all the way to present day. Now it’s just like the end of The Matrix Revolutions and I am Neo and he is Agent Smith except I am me and he is Chad.
6. Childhood Friend Chad
Probably Chad’s cruelest form was when he was my best friend when I was 8. Did he stay my friend? No. It was all a trick to borrow my Green Power Ranger toy and scuff it up with all sorts of marks even though I told him to be careful with it. Did he apologize for this? No, he was like “oh, sorry” and not in a believable way but more like “I am an elemental form of chaos and I’m here to erode all that is good in the world.” That was when I knew all I needed to know about Chad. I did some research and found out no one else in the world exists, they’re all Chad tricks, and then set about on my mission to fight Chad by hiding in this room alone for 35 years. You’ll never beat me in any of your forms, Bad Chad!