7 Ways Summer Blockbusters Could Be More Inclusive

First off, right off the bat, congratulate yourself. Pat yourself on the back. If you’ve found this article, then you are officially better than the herd of sheeple that surround us day in and day out. You aren’t allowing yourself to be distracted by all the buzz and the noise of public discourse, and I respect the hell out of you for it. By the end of this article, you will be in the top, infinitesimal percent of people who know what the real priority is right now. You may think that “public menaces”, like pornography, Pokémon Go, or female Ghostbusters are keeping us from making America great again, but I assure you, that’s all smoke screen generated by the fat-cats that run our country from the shadows, keeping the American public from asking the hard questions. It’s not about porn or your self-inflated perception that you’re somehow important enough for transgendered people to care about and actively affect your life. No. It’s bigger than that.

The truth will stay hidden no longer, however. What I say next might feel controversial to you at first, but I swear to our sweet Lord and Savior the Tiny Baby Jesus that it’s one hundred percent true, and it’s the thread that’s going to unravel this whole goddamn sweater:

Action movies are bigoted towards people who don’t really like action movies.

I know, how can a truth be so simple yet so earth shattering at the same time? You can never go back to the way things are, and I’m sorry, but this is too important. What you can do is join the fight and help us make a real, tangible difference in the world.
What follows is my seven point manifesto for change. Join Those of Us Who Don’t Really like Action Movies (TUWDRLAM for short), there’s like dozens of us. Let this document guide you in your crusade against the real menace to society, and help those of us who are truly the most oppressed.

1. Less Explosions, More Kittens

First and foremost, we need to need to address the explosions. While they may seem like a commonplace pillar of the action movie genre, that’s the first lie to unravel. Explosions are, in fact, the primary weapon used in the suppression of TUWDRLAM.

Imagine: you’re in the movie theatre, excited for a pleasant night out with a loved one. A trailer comes on. Oh, an actor you like; you start to put your guard down. Ah, the soothing voice of the narrator; you’re placated. What’s this? A change in the tone of music? The scene fades to black? What did the narrator just say? BOOM! That’s when they ambush you! Suddenly, the screen is full of fire, you’re emotionally devastated by the experience, and the fat cats have made you the butt of their joke again!

This doesn’t need to happen. This can be changed. Instead of explosions, we can have kittens. Studies have shown that kittens trigger the same areas of the brain that explosions do, providing the same thrill, excitement, and joy, without the sick satisfaction of alienating members of the TUWDRLAM community. So why can’t inclusiveness be our goal, rather than divisiveness?

Who’s the real villain of this movie?

2. Less Violence, More Talking About Feelings

The next most pervasive tool in the systemic oppression of the TUWDRLAM people is action movie violence. The convention that separates an action movie from a rom com is also what separates TUWDRLAM from the “normals”, and that isn’t fair. Why must there be punching? Or kicking for that matter? The whole premise of beating someone up is a flawed one as soon as you consider that you can also just talk it out.

A conversation about how a person’s actions can upset the feelings of those around them is scary. Believe me, I know. But I sought to confront my fear and now I voice my opinion whenever possible, regardless of whether or not it’s warranted. All we in the TUWDRLAM community ask is that action heroes face their fears in the same way and throw some “I feel” statements, rather than haymakers. Is that too much of an ask Hollywood? Or are you too big of idiots to make the change!?

3. Less Beautiful Humans, More Classical Art

I know I’m not “conventionally attractive.” I don’t “exercise whatsoever.” Maybe I don’t “wash my clothes with the appropriate regularity” or “even wash my own body often either.” But do I have to be reminded of that every time I go to the movies? Don’t they know that all of these perfectly sculpted human specimens will make us recognize that maybe we have a lifestyle that in no way could sustain a healthy human being?

The sick part is that they do. They know what they’re doing, and they relish any opportunity to stuff the glistening abs and perky breasts of the Hollywood elite down the throats of we TUWDRLAM, and I’m sick and tired it! I reject their implied encouragement to not eat so much straight mayonnaise and demand that in their place, true art should reign supreme! Let us not wallow in the shallowness of what we are told is the optimal human form, but instead infuse our media with the beautiful images of our collective history. Specifically, art from any of those time periods where it was admirable to be fat. Or I think there was a neckbeard era; that one was important too.

4. Less Sex, More Conversations about the Intersectionality of the Feminist and Black Lives Matter Movements

On that same topic of shoving the so called Normie Agenda down our throats, we will only thrive as a country if we can eliminate all of these needless acts of sex from our action movies as well. Besides, the whole “well placed quip, then smash cut to coitus” trope is humongously unrealistic. It actually takes an entire night of careful manipulation from an alpha male to be able to win a woman’s interest, and then from there, days, months, years, perhaps, for some, even an entire lifetime of negging before they stop impulsively calling security.

So instead, what we can do is fill the gap left in a movie’s run time is recognize that nothing happens in a vacuum and dedicate some screen time to initiating a national dialogue about the intersection between the parallel Feminist and Black Lives Matter movements. While the current debates regarding the violence against of black people in America are incredibly crucial, they often ignore the additional layer of sexual violence that predominantly affects women. Google it brah.

These are complex issues and deserve attention, and I demand that action movies reflect the social and political climate of their times, rather than another scene of people mushing themselves together.

5. Less Car Chases, More Attention to the Less Fortunate

The TUWDRLAM campaign is not only focused on what we can take away from action movies, but about giving to those in need; the real heroes. Like people who still have the iPhone 4. Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what that must be like, and how alienating it is to only see iPhone 5s or 6s up on the silver screen. Why must we be so obsessed with cars!? Don’t people know that there are those out there who aren’t getting Starbucks!? I mean, some of those unfortunates just prefer Caribou, but others are lactose intolerant! That means no lattes for them. No. Lattes. Is that what you think our delicious Lord Tiny Baby Jesus wanted for his children!? Is it!?

I’m sorry that I’ve become some emotional in my writing. I know it’s uncouth to do so in a manifesto, but I just wanted to demonstrate a mere sliver of the raw power, the uncut emotion that courses through TUWDRLAM. Let us harness it as a power for change.

6. Less Bomb Diffusions, More Tedious Discussions About Religion

I don’t even care what religion the movie talks about, just that the discussion is there. I mean, if you look at the percentage of people who would self-identify as bomb disposal professionals vs. those who follow a religion, then I think extensive, granular, technical-language laden speeches on the virtues of a god or set of gods would be the most inclusive gesture Hollywood could make, and inclusiveness is all that the TUWDRLAM wants, really.

What does anyone really get from watching someone diffuse a bomb anyway? A cheap thrill? Why settle such a meager tingle when you could instead be blown by the power of our succulent Lord Tiny Baby Jesus, the Prophet Mohamed, Vishnu, or the Jew God! Bask in the powerful rays of salvation and, for the first time in too long, be on the edge of your seat with excitement. Plus, the additional 2 hours of evangelizing is a value-add to the ticket price, without the studios incurring any costs beyond the CGI to animate all the hellfire cast down on the unbelievers throughout the film.

7. Less Action, More Listening

In conclusion, we just want to cut through the noise. Instead of using attractive people escape explosions to forget for just a brief moment your dreary life and the various, seemingly daily tragedies that are happening to us, all we want is for you to listen. Compassion is all we care about in the TUWDRLAM; just listening is crucial to our success. By clicking on this article and reading all the way through, you’ve further validated the TUWDRLAM movement and have helped confirm that it is in fact the most important movement currently happening, no contest, and we thank you for that. Without your support, we wouldn’t be able to stand on the moral high ground that we do, and without the clear moral high ground, we wouldn’t be able to effectively bombard people with our message or adequately berate them if they don’t listen. So again, thank you.
Action Movies can be changed. No more do we need to sit idly by and watch our fellow Americans be prejudiced against just because they don’t like action movies very much. No more! This is our time to stand! This is our call to arms! This is priority one above all other injustices facing our peoples today! Welcome to the fight!

#TUWDRLAM #TUWDRLAMismoreimportantthananyoneelse

Cameron Petti is a Chicago-land native. He’s currently attempting to survive off of freelance theatre work, and hasn’t had to eat too much cat food to achieve this goal. Check out how happy and full of life Cameron is on tumblr and twitter.