Eat slop, you dirty pigs, because Adam Sandler signed another four-movie deal with Netflix and we haven’t even had to sit through all of Sandy Wexler yet. Fortunately for you little dirty birds, we got early access to the details of his next four films, and it seems like Sandler might be well on his way to maybe making an okay movie for the first time in his life.
Summary: A daring cinematic experiment, Adam Sandler’s children put all the scripts from every movie he’s ever made into a food processor and what emerged is being called Live From New York, You Don’t Mess With Grown-Up Daddy Pixels, a salute to Sandler’s deeply offensive body of work and a “spiritual sequel” to Pixels, which is somehow not the worst movie that Josh Gad has been in.
Characters: Daddy Pixels (Adam Sandler)
Daddy Pixels’ Teenage Girlfriend (Abigail Breslin)
Megabyte Mommy (Naomi Watts)
The Big Monster Who Just Wants Love and Has a Bunch of Good Lines (voice of John Turturro)
Favorite Lines: “Once I was in a movie called Click. Here’s a little reference to it, but in this movie, for the fans.”
“Once I was in a movie called Spanglish. Here’s a little reference to it, but in this movie, for the fans.”
“Once I was in a movie called I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. This isn’t really a little reference to it, but it is a joke at the expense of the LGBT community, so get ready to laugh.”
“I would like to distance myself from the box office failure of Jack & Jill. I will not be referencing it in this film, with regrets to the fans.”
Written by: Adam Sandler and Joss Whedon
Directed by: Garry Marshall’s ghost
For Fans of: seppuku
Summary: Finally, every single blooper that Adam Sandler has produced in his career has been preserved in this forty-five-hour compilation that takes us from Sandler’s younger years as a shock jock comedian to his current standing as an older, puffier shock jock comedian. This courageous film cuts no corner—you’re gonna see every spit take, line goof, and uncomfortable female costar hesitating to tell him that it’s a weird touch because he signs her check and has intensely fragile masculinity!
Characters: Adam Sandler (Adam Sandler)
Favorite Lines: “Oopsie!”
“Did somebody put something in my coffee? Jeez Louise!”
“Is the camera rolling? Oh my gosh, I feel foolish! But that was fun for you to watch, and I have a feeling the fans might agree!”
“[racially insensitive comment!]”
Written by: no one! This guy loves to go off book and have a good time and honey, we’re just along for the ride.
Directed by: no one! Adam Sandler is such a wacky character that it’s impossible to truly direct him—his comedy has a mind of its own! I love this guy.
For Fans of: surgery without anesthesia
Summary: In a nod to early successes like Happy Madison and The Waterboy, The Joke Is That the Title Character Has Severe Autism is a return to form for Adam Sandler. He plays the title role of Hey, Something’s a Little Off About this Guy!, a clumsy boy at a bagel shop who accidentally spills a tub of cream cheese onto Guy Who Laughs at Adam Sandler But We’re Rooting for Him Anyway (Bradley Cooper), who takes him on as his protégé. Women are in the movie, but you’d barely know it. Features the debut of rising star Skateboard Dog, who is a dog but the catch is that he skateboards. Not for fans of people who like delicate subjects handled responsibly!
Characters: Hey, Something’s a Little Off About this Guy! (Adam Sandler)
Guy Who Laughs at Adam Sandler But We’re Rooting For Him Anyway (Bradley Cooper)
The Lady Who Says No Kiss at the Beginning But At The End Says Okay Kiss (Amanda Peet)
Only Nonwhite Character Who Yells Expository Dialogue (A Distant Relative of a Wayans Brother)
Dog Who Skateboards (Skateboard Dog)
Bradley Cooper: “Hey what’s up with this guy?”
Adam Sandler: [joke about being horny because man this guy is unfiltered he’ll say anything he’s making all the uptight normals uncomfortable and we as an audience are loving this guy but seriously what’s WITH him!]
Bradley Cooper: “So as you can see, I used to be mean to the guy that we don’t know what’s up with, but now I’m not as mean to him even though we still don’t know what’s up with him, and so you should kiss me and we are married now.”
Amanda Peet: “Okay sounds good.”
Wayans Brother Relative: “Is that dog on a skateboard?! Let me go get my boombox!”
Written by: Adam Sandler
Directed by: The only high school friend who still talks to Adam Sandler
For Fans of: For fans of The Big Bang Theory who have never questioned why Sheldon is a deeply fucked up television creation, being locked in a closet with your elementary school bully and yikes looks like he’s horny
Summary: In a bold cross-genre move, Sandler combines mumblecore with shitcan-comedy-where-one-guy-plays-every-part with A Surprising Dramatic Turn. Sandler stars as Steven Goodguy, a man in a troubled relationship who’s doing his best while Jennifer Badguy (also Sandler, who looks just like himself with a wart on his nose) is screwing around with him on the side with Derek Worstguy (Sandler in a leather jacket and chinos). Sensitive and charming, every song in this horny tone poem is the first four measures of that one Shins song that was in that terrible Zach Braff movie where Natalie Portman wears the helmet.
Characters: Steven Goodguy (Adam Sandler)
Jennifer Badguy (Adam Sandler)
Steven Goodguy’s Mom (Adam Sandler)
Fart Grandma Who Swears (Betty White)
Tertiary Character Adam Sandler Gets to Kiss At The End Signaling That Hey We’ve All Gotta Move On Even If It Hurts and Even If Your New Girlfriend Is You Guessed It A Dog (Skateboard Dog)
Steven Goodguy: What went wrong? I’m so good!
Jennifer Badguy: You’re right. And I am bad. I am so bad. I’m bad.
Steven Goodguy: Yeah. I’m good, and you’re bad.
Steven Goodguy’s Mom: You’re good.
Steven Goodguy: I know.
Fart Grandma: You’re good.
Steven Goodguy: I know.
Fart Grandma: farts
Written by: Adam Sandler and Mark Duplass
Directed by: Skateboard Dog
For Fans of: The Puffy Chair, skateboards, dogs
I hope I never work in this town again!!!!
Jamie Loftus is a comedian and writer. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.