Four Perfect Disney Princess Weddings That Say “Our Love is Unhealthy”

Classic Disney Princess weddings have become all the rage. Everyone knows that the best way to approach relationships is like a classic Disney princess: Find some handsome stranger, go completely silent for a few years, and just assume you will live happily ever after. You don’t have to get to know each other or even talk to him. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. After all, you’re an emotionally immature teen with a dead mom and unresolved problems with your father or stepmom or whoever. Also you don’t know what forks are. But that’s ok, because your prince can make you feel whole, right? Charge your groom with the task of making you happy and also being a fucking prince. Overlook his gaping flaws (or the fact that you don’t know him well enough to know his flaws at all!) Remember, the happy ending is on your wedding day, the last day of your entire life, so you don’t need to put any effort into this relationship when that day is over. Here are some Disney Princess wedding themes that will hopefully fulfill you enough to keep going.
1. Ariel Weddings
He’s handsome, rich, and completely emotionally unavailable. He owns his own cutlery and that’s all you need to know! There’s no better way to tell your guests you and your groom don’t really know each other than a gorgeous Ariel wedding. Ariel weddings are perfect for any bride who’s afraid of speaking her mind to her groom and also refuses to invite her father. He was wrong about you rushing into this wedding and all your problems are going to disappear now! Alienate the older women and drag queens at your reception with a cool Ursula cake! It’s all fondant! Everyone loves the taste of fondant! Bonus: Have the wedding underwater as a metaphor for your emotional state.
2. Belle Weddings
Do you want to make your friends worry about you while simultaneously insulting your groom’s looks? Then put on some puffed sleeves and become the sexy kidnapping victim you’ve always wanted to be! A Belle gown is a great way for any bride to say “I fixed him, right? RIGHT??? Please tell me I fixed him.” Beauty and The Beast was a magical romp about a woman anthropomorphizing objects in order to deal with intense isolation. Plus, it’s just fun to draw eyes on a candlestick (even ones that sound like Jerry Orbach with a bad French accent). Your Belle wedding will have the BEST centerpieces because they’re centered around your loneliness and unhealthy devotion!