Classic Disney Princess weddings have become all the rage. Everyone knows that the best way to approach relationships is like a classic Disney princess: Find some handsome stranger, go completely silent for a few years, and just assume you will live happily ever after. You don’t have to get to know each other or even talk to him. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. After all, you’re an emotionally immature teen with a dead mom and unresolved problems with your father or stepmom or whoever. Also you don’t know what forks are. But that’s ok, because your prince can make you feel whole, right? Charge your groom with the task of making you happy and also being a fucking prince. Overlook his gaping flaws (or the fact that you don’t know him well enough to know his flaws at all!) Remember, the happy ending is on your wedding day, the last day of your entire life, so you don’t need to put any effort into this relationship when that day is over. Here are some Disney Princess wedding themes that will hopefully fulfill you enough to keep going.
He’s handsome, rich, and completely emotionally unavailable. He owns his own cutlery and that’s all you need to know! There’s no better way to tell your guests you and your groom don’t really know each other than a gorgeous Ariel wedding. Ariel weddings are perfect for any bride who’s afraid of speaking her mind to her groom and also refuses to invite her father. He was wrong about you rushing into this wedding and all your problems are going to disappear now! Alienate the older women and drag queens at your reception with a cool Ursula cake! It’s all fondant! Everyone loves the taste of fondant! Bonus: Have the wedding underwater as a metaphor for your emotional state.
Do you want to make your friends worry about you while simultaneously insulting your groom’s looks? Then put on some puffed sleeves and become the sexy kidnapping victim you’ve always wanted to be! A Belle gown is a great way for any bride to say “I fixed him, right? RIGHT??? Please tell me I fixed him.” Beauty and The Beast was a magical romp about a woman anthropomorphizing objects in order to deal with intense isolation. Plus, it’s just fun to draw eyes on a candlestick (even ones that sound like Jerry Orbach with a bad French accent). Your Belle wedding will have the BEST centerpieces because they’re centered around your loneliness and unhealthy devotion!
Give a great big “fuck you” to your family with a Cinderella wedding! Bonus: Make it a destination wedding at some far off castle and make your family spend some money on you for once. Now that you’ve traded their undue ownership for the undue ownership of a prince who’s super into your feet, everything’s gonna be fine! Right? Right. No more chores means no more problems! Please tell me that’s what it means.
Nothing says “I’m trapped in the prison of my own mind” like a Rapunzel wedding! When it comes to sad Disney Princess weddings, Rapunzel weddings top the list. Have a Rapunzel wedding and convince yourself you’re rescued now! You’re free! It’s all going to be ok! Be sure to tell your groom that. Then start crying until he agrees.
These weddings are so fun and quirky! Have yourself a Disney Princess wedding and show all your lovely guests the unhealthy characterization of love you learned from kids’ movies and a genetic predisposition for depression! Plus, fondant! Do you have any idea how much fondant goes into making a fun cartoon cake? So much fondant. Choke down that fondant like you’ll choke down those wedding night tears! Good luck!
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.