Greetings, prospective Trump TV personality! You are receiving this casting notice because our CEO and founder, Donald J. Trump, has identified you as a young upstart with great journalistic potential, most likely from across the street, with binoculars. When we said “We’ll be hiring her in 10 years,” we meant it! Here at Trump TV we value diversity—whether you’re white, caucasian, European or even Italian, everyone has a place on our staff! Here are some of the requirements for a Trump TV female lady anchorette:
Be comfortable putting the fate of your career in the hands of a fleshy orange pig-man who demanded the key to your dressing room. Also, your dressing room has a scale in it. Please log your weight on the chart we provided. If it’s not satisfactory, don’t worry, we’ll just film you running in a giant hamster wheel.
Be skilled in bull-riding, t-shirt wetting, beer pong and anything else Fox & Friends considers a journalistic activity. Also if you could encourage other young militants—er, upstarts—to take action, that’d be great. Your field pieces should make viewers want to go out and buy more guns (our viewers already have guns).
Try to make your male co-host seem smart by cocking your head like a confused puppy whenever you hear big words, like “Filibuster,” “Oligarch,” or “Reince Preibus.” Our viewers are much more comfortable when the man is the smart one.
Can you dye your hair blonde and not blink? It’s really important to the Republican Party that high-profile women don’t blink. Stare down that camera like you know it’s cheating on you. The ideal look here is, “Young white girl with authoritarian parents.”
You must be good at modulating your voice and speech. You should be able to use sexy baby talk for Donald Trump and scream at any Muslim, Latino or suspiciously tan guest. We will provide a book of condescending, grammatically incorrect Spanish words. Do NOT speak any Spanish if it’s not included in this book.
Interrupt your guest as much as possible. This is known as debating, and we’re the best at it. The less your opponent (guest) can articulate their point of view, the better you are at arguing. That’s just science.
Do you have a double name? Try to go by “Kelly Ann” or “Carly Jo” or something like that. Research shows it comforts our viewers. A lot of things comfort our viewers as they slide blissfully into nonexistence. That’s why we want you blond and white! You’ll look like the light at the end of the tunnel. You should be comforting, but also…
Practice ominous facial expressions to accompany footage of an Eid celebration. Our viewers don’t just like their anchoresses hot—just angry and xenophobic. You should be able to give them something we call a “fear boner.”
If you’re not into Donald Trump’s advances, you must sign paperwork assuring him you are a lesbian. The contract is ready and binding, and it’s the only way to calm him down.
We think this one’s pretty self-explanatory. If you look like her, you will not be hired, and Donald will run from the room screaming that he is a real man and you can’t hurt him anymore.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.