8 Advance Chapters from Bill Clinton and James Patterson’s The President is Missing
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I can’t wait for the release of the upcoming thriller The President is Missing, a collaboration between former President Bill Clinton and the author James Patterson. Since hearing about it this morning, I’ve been pulling every string I have to get an advance copy. Luckily for me, I have a knack for getting run over in crosswalks by publishers. It’s partially my fault—I don’t go anywhere without a book, which I usually tape to my face using a couple rolls of duct tape. That way my hands are free to do air drums, give cops high-fives and shake my fist at Knopf employees after they flatten my ass out with a Kia. So it didn’t take me long before I got my hands on the manuscript. But don’t worry, I won’t spoil the whole thing for you! I’ll just give you a taste of what will surely be the most exciting book-on-tape my dad will get from the library. Here are some brief synopses of some of the best chapters in the book.
Chapter One: Fiddlin’ on the Porch
The story opens on our protagonist, Cal Weston, playing a fiddle on the porch of his humble Arkansas home. His very diverse group of friends is gathered around, shoving entire loaves of cornbread into their mouths, open-mouth kissing each other and singing songs like, “The Past Was When Things Were Good” and “God Made Birds Wrong.” The party is over when Cal’s wife, who is made out of shoeboxes but really smart, tells him he got a call on their landline—he doesn’t even have a flip phone!—telling him his country needs him again. His diverse friends wander directly into the nearest swamp, bummed the fun is over, as Cal puts on his President’s robe, platform shoes and helmet for the first time in 20 years.
Chapter Nine: Off the Market
Having pursued the killer into a nearby grocery store, Cal is forced to use a shopping cart to fend off an army of sex-crazed interns. “I love my wife!” he shouts as he swings the shopping cart around, knocking the beautiful interns into pyramids of soup cans and cleaning products. “I would never!” he shrieks, throwing a grocery basket onto a nude intern to cover up her enormous breasts. “I have a family!” he barks, spraying lemon juice into his own eyes so he doesn’t get too turned on watching all the gorgeous interns tongue-kiss.
Chapter 17: Para-Shoot
Cal is forced to use his cardigan as a parachute after the villain sends Air Force One into a tailspin. As Cal floats safely to land, he reads the entire contents of an Eddie Bauer catalog out loud, which is featured in its entirety as an insert in the novel. Cal sees the plane explode, slowly burn down to a pile of smoldering ashes and watches as those ashes are carried away by ants. But deep down, his gut tells him the villain is not dead.
Chapter 18: Ant-mazing Grace