Hollywood did some Oscars again tonight, and all the movies you either loved or hated won every award. Here’s the list! Definitely a lot of movies this year, some of which won some awards, both ones that were deserved and undeserved. It was an Oscars kinda show!
As the night slowly rolled into the next morning, and Jimmy Kimmel appeared on screen less and less frequently (he almost kinda disappeared after marching some stars into a movie theater across the street from the Oscars, where Gal Gadot and Margot Robbie gave the common folks Milk Duds, and Armie Hammer and Ansel Elgort pelted them with hot dogs), the importance of two crucial Oscars aids grew more apparent. Those are booze and Twitter, of course. The best drinks of the 2018 Oscars included bourbon and spicy ginger ale, Creature Comforts’ Koko Buni milk porter, and Pabst Blue Ribbon (the Eva Marie Saint of this year’s selection of Oscar drinks). The best tweets—and by best we mean funniest, as we are a comedy section, concerned pretty much exclusively with comedy and the people who make it and the business that has grown around it—are in a tidy little list below. Go ahead, scroll through ‘em, and relive the endless awards show that you were desperate to immediately forget. The jokes are good. You don’t even need any PBRs to enjoy ‘em.
Excited to judge celebrities for every nervous mistake on stage while eating soup with my hands alone in a darkened room
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 4, 2018
I just got a little sad knowing my grandma would have called it: “Why Not Just Put It All On One Billboard In Ebert, Mississippi?”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 4, 2018
Thrilled that the stage got vajazzled for the occasion!!! #Oscarspic.twitter.com/6UNFhARII6
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) March 5, 2018
With as much shit talking as I’m about to unleash right now, please know that I think the #oscars are the most important thing that happens.
— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) March 5, 2018
No matter what disappointments you may feel after tonight’s ceremony, let’s all take solace in the fact that Downsizing was shutout completely and we won’t have to hear it lovingly recapped at any point. #Oscars
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 5, 2018
The Oscars is like going to see live music, in that the show is like 4 hours long and you have to wait forever to get to the band you came to see. #oscars
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 5, 2018
If you must know, I’m wearing about four pounds of pasta weight tonight. #oscars
— albertina rizzo (@albz) March 5, 2018
No lie, there was a cum shot in that montage #Oscars
— Dr. Brendon M. Walsh (@brendonwalsh) March 5, 2018
Before 1963 it was actually illegal for sounds to mix. #Oscars
— Travon Free (@Travon) March 5, 2018
Ansel Elgort looks like every dude that has a billboard about DJ’ing in Vegas. #Oscars
— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) March 5, 2018
If Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern try to seize control of the United States I will support them.
— Guy Branum (@guybranum) March 5, 2018
Greta Gerwig and Laura Dern holding hands is actually the theme of my wedding. pic.twitter.com/MqXnLNgXxk
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) March 5, 2018
Trivia: Gary Oldman did not know he was filming a movie when he played Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour, he thought he was auditioning for the new MadTV.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 5, 2018
So many low-angle POVs at the Oscars, you’d think the Muppet Babies were shooting this
— Kyle Buchanan (@kylebuchanan) March 5, 2018
Film About Boom Mic Operator Caring For Dying Sennheiser MKH-416 Sweeps Technical Film Oscars
— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 5, 2018
When I host the Oscars there will be a montage of ICONIC BOTTOMS.
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 5, 2018
Disgusted that these Hollywood elitists won’t give any awards to my favourite movie of the year, Some CGI Punches Some Other CGI
— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural 4 hours (@pixelatedboat) March 5, 2018
If Trump knew how many dead Mexicans were in Coco he totally would’ve seen it by now #Oscars
— Mike Lawrence (@TheMikeLawrence) March 5, 2018
when the edible kicks in and you’re on stage at the oscars pic.twitter.com/XsX0ODt08g
— erin chack (@ErinChack) March 5, 2018
Dude who wore sneakers and sunglasses should win award for having speech that was surprisingly not as annoying as his outfit. #Oscars
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) March 5, 2018
This guy won an academy award and now he’ll be able to afford sleeves pic.twitter.com/ZerjGRV21i
— Steve Agee (@steveagee) March 5, 2018
“if ANYONE has seen the rest of my sleeves PLEASE find me after the show” pic.twitter.com/unLPAeEiZg
— josh androsky ???? (@ShutUpAndrosky) March 5, 2018
I think Lupita Nyong’o is the only person who can pull off “Deal or No Deal reboot in Xanadu” glamour. pic.twitter.com/UX6FkwDjwi
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 5, 2018
I wish I could sing like Gael Garcia Bernal. Oh wait, I can.
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) March 5, 2018
My favorite game to play while watching the Oscars is “Is that their daughter or girlfriend?” #Oscar2018
— Michelle Buteau (@MichelleButeau) March 5, 2018
I never wanted a world where we had to choose between Allison Janney and Laurie Metcalf
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 5, 2018
KOBE BRYANT! OSCAR WINNER! RAPIST! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) March 5, 2018
In Kobe Bryant’s head he’s just thinking: “I’VE GOT MORE OSCARS THAN JORDAN!!!”
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) March 5, 2018
And they said Kobe couldn’t win an Oscar without Shaq
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) March 5, 2018
My mom’s Oscar winning scene would be her barely holding it together while wearing hot shorts and hitting me with a spatula
— Desi (@DesiJed) March 5, 2018
and the award for best “not bothering to get a hot pad and instead wrapping a bathrobe tie around a saucepan handle” goes to me.
— Muscular Baby (@Mobute) March 5, 2018
I can’t even fit into my dress from the last time I watched West Side Story.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) March 5, 2018
lavar ball will eventually be an EGOT winner
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) March 5, 2018
wow cool that the oscars are taking place this year in Versace’s tomb
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) March 5, 2018
Looked up and saw Kobe Bryant holding an Oscar next to BB8 I think my edibles just kicked in.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) March 5, 2018
bb8 is the fattest person at the Oscars
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) March 5, 2018
Kobe Bryant has won more Oscars than that one filmmaker/actor/screenwriter/cinematographer you really love.
— Tim Grierson (@TimGrierson) March 5, 2018
Timothee Chalamet is so young, he thinks the Boss Baby is just a normal boss
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 5, 2018
People who go to see a movie at a theater right next door to the Oscar ceremony DURING the Oscars, don’t give a shit about the Oscars. #Oscars
— Doug Benson (@DougBenson) March 5, 2018
This crowd is gonna be so devestated when instead of seeing a wrinkle in time, they get to meet the guy who directed the fish fuck movie
— Brooks Wheelan (@brookswheelan) March 5, 2018
I love that jimmy Kimmel was like “by the way we’re only looking for stars to join us on this trip to the Chinese theater” thereby causing everyone in that room to question if they were actually a star. #oscars
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 5, 2018
And the Oscar goes to…great lengths to stay relevant in today’s media landscape! #Oscars
— Allen Strickland Williams (@TotallyAllen) March 5, 2018
“Meow that hurt!!” – Kevin Spacey watching rapist Kobe Bryant win an Oscar
— Peter Miller (@peter_miller) March 5, 2018
move over EGOT, Kobe Bryant is the first person ever to pull off the LMFAO (Larry O’Brien Trophy, MVP, Finals MVP, All-Star Game MVP, Oscar)
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) March 5, 2018
“we don’t have time to televise your particular category now sit down while we spend 10 mins running up in that AMC theatre over there for giggles”
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) March 5, 2018
My favorite part of the Oscars is when the elites blast gruel at middle america
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 5, 2018
“How was the movie?”
“Armie Hammer shot me with a hot dog”— Ben Hoffman (@thebenshow) March 5, 2018
Just taking a pee break during a sneak preview of A Wrinkle In Time. Hope I didn’t miss anything good.
— Stefan Heck (@boring_as_heck) March 5, 2018
One minute you’re watching a movie, the next minute Jimmy Kimmel puts you on the spot in front of millions of people and makes you Adele Dazeem the shit out of somebody’s name.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) March 5, 2018
Tiffany was NOT joking when she said she’d wear this Alexander McQueen dress over and over and over again pic.twitter.com/whyMw44lWb
— Jessica Goldstein (@jessicagolds) March 5, 2018
Tiffany Haddish saying “Hi Meryl, i want you to be my mama one day” made me cry, I have violent PMS
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) March 5, 2018
“Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph” pic.twitter.com/65etUaNSuA
— Ali Arikan (@aliarikan) March 5, 2018
We don’t want these Oscars to run long so speed up those speeches!
(1 hour later)
Okay for this next bit I need 37 volunteers to bicycle with me to New Mexico— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) March 5, 2018
Maya Rudolph and Tiffany Haddish appeared and I immediately screamed “Thelma and Louise reboot” at a stranger.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 5, 2018
HADDISH/RUDOLPH 2020
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 5, 2018
oh great just what i need i already have a million deadlines and now greta gerwig is waiting on my fucking movie #Oscars
— Lauren Flans (@LaurenFlans) March 5, 2018
What realization did Jennifer Garner just come to? pic.twitter.com/pWtycEDEVs
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) March 5, 2018
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) March 5, 2018
loving this ad for War, during the Oscars. really changing my mind about War
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 5, 2018
if you haven’t seen the shape of water (which I’m sure is good or whatever) the clips in the nominee montage play like a hilarious parody
— Katie Nolan (@katienolan) March 5, 2018
i saw dunkirk in a reserved seating theater full of old people and they were all accusing each other of being in their seats
— raandy (@randygdub) March 5, 2018
is @JordanPeele winning an Oscar the only good thing that’s happened in like 2 years
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 5, 2018
would your rather be included in the In Memoriam and have the least amount of clapping of the other recently dead people or be the person everybody was the angriest about being excluded from the In Memoriam? #Oscars90
— erin ryan (@morninggloria) March 5, 2018
I’m bummed this is the FOURTH year in a row I was left out of the In Memoriam #Oscars#NotDeadYet
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) March 5, 2018
i know other stuff’s going on right now but the crashing finale was out of this world
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) March 5, 2018
The shape of water should’ve been called “man chest hair by the sea”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2018
Years from now, the Robert Mueller movie is gonna CLEAN. UP. at the Oscars https://t.co/grhNohSq5K
— Bonnie Stiernberg (@aahrealbonsters) March 5, 2018
Colin Ferrell is like “Wait, I was in Roman J Esq.?”
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 5, 2018
congratulations to gary oldman for his stunning performance as fat bastard
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 5, 2018
Oh god what if Kobe wins the jetski
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 5, 2018
Darkest Hour (2017) pic.twitter.com/KOgH1gNDmb
— bobby (@bobby) March 5, 2018
Gary Oldman should have just gone up and said “I don’t deserve this.” And then won the jet ski.
— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) March 5, 2018
How many are googling “Jennifer Lawrence height?”
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) March 5, 2018
It’s impossible to talk about The Post without the same inflection as two friends settling on Chili’s for lunch
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 5, 2018
Looking forward to a long life of never having to hear an opinion about Three Billboards again.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) March 5, 2018
Instead of music, If an Oscar acceptance speech go too long, the mic should just slowing go back into the floor.
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) March 5, 2018
I heard if Get Out wins Best Picture Barack Obama becomes president again.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) March 5, 2018
The best part of the #Oscars is tomorrow’s rightwing radio hosts screaming about how they don’t care about the Oscars, for 3 full hours.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) March 5, 2018
fish fucking beats race commentary every single time #oscars
— Ziwe (@ziwe) March 5, 2018