A few weeks ago, Eric Trump insisted that harassment is something a person allows themselves to experience. He also implied his sister Ivanka wouldn’t subject herself to it at a job. (Considering her job is being Donald Trump’s daughter she doesn’t seem to have a choice after all.) This got me thinking: Could Eric Trump avoid a critique of his looks with weird sexual overtones? And what’s wrong with Eric Trump’s face? Is he constantly airing out his teeth? Let’s see if I manage to get to the end of this unnecessarily invasive and gross article about Eric Trump’s looks without being stopped by Eric Trump. Here are some possible reasons I came up with for why Eric Trump’s face looks like that:
Those beady little eyes! They stare blankly, coldly, as if they have no connection to the brain controlling them. And perhaps they don’t. Perhaps Eric Trump’s giant teeth don’t fit in his mouth because they’re not his teeth. He probably lifted his eyes and teeth off his servants as punishment for being late or having babies or something. Or maybe he chose those particular teeth so women would be afraid to ask him for oral sex. Eric Trump is afraid of clits because they’re like tiny girl penises. Can you imagine what his father would say if he put his mouth on a girl penis? Eric figured he’d better stay safe from girl penises and install the biggest, most rat like teeth he could find.
He even seems to have covered it in a clear, congealed sauce. Look, we can make fun of the Trump family’s hair like slobs and losers, but Eric Trump’s pasta hair serves a purpose. It helps him hunt. It’s not easy to lure in an endangered orangutan in order to kill it and graft its thin, tense lips on your face. To attract rare intelligent animals you’re going to need to cover your head in fancy Italian cuisine. Eric Trump’s hair is clearly very pungent and effective. (RIP Albino Joe.)
It’d explain pretty much everything about Eric Trump’s face and wardrobe. Eric Trump has a lot in common with Draco Malfoy besides his looks. After all, both Trump and Malfoy families like to project a certain social status. Like Draco, Eric Trump was taught to believe in bloodline purity. And both boys were raised in the hopes they’d make a grand wizard someday. Why wouldn’t Eric Trump want to dress up as smarmy rich Draco? Eric had to choose between Malfoy and Joffrey Lannister costumes and even though he and Joffrey share some sexual kinks, he just couldn’t keep the Game of Thrones crown on his saucy pasta hair.
Look, this is America. And everyone is entitled to the pursuit of orgasm.
Hey, look! I just implied I watched Eric Trump get off to burning a cat! And nobody stopped me! I guess Eric Trump was asking for it. After all, a strong, powerful man would not allow himself to be subjected to that.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.