The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo from Unsplash
Well, it was another week. Yep. Let’s see… there’s a pandemic going on? Have you heard about this? With no end in sight. Crazy stuff. And uh Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion released that video for “WAP” that everybody was talking about, including conservative talking head / perennial Twitter punching bag Ben Shapiro. Meanwhile the Republicans are trying to kill off the postal service, Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and Herman Cain’s Twitter account starting sending out pro-Trump tweets after Cain himself had died. These are the big ones, the things you most need to be aware of to understand all of the tweets below. I mean, normally I just assume you’re up on all the news, but things happen fast these days, and are generally so unpleasant, that I understand if you don’t want to know what’s happening. Anyway. Read the tweets, follow the tweeters, get a good night’s sleep, and see you next week.
obsessed with the fact that the first idea you ever see Don Draper write down in Mad Men is “I love smoking” pic.twitter.com/bb3hiBbD44
— Julie Greiner (@JulieAbridged) August 6, 2020
Wtf is the umbrella academy you’re either an umbrella or you’re not you can’t really learn
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) August 7, 2020
The most memorable part of this pandemic has ben washing 80,000 dishes
— Leah Spigelman (@leahspig) August 8, 2020
when my homie starts tickling me pic.twitter.com/43KG7TjmUU
— the Poop lady (@lovephoebecates) August 8, 2020
How did George Bush get a million people killed in Iraq then just rebrand as Bob Ross
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) August 8, 2020
between global warming melting the ice caps and now the future of democracy hinging on the fate of the post office I think we all owe Kevin Costner an apology
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) August 8, 2020
Every year, once a year, my fellow students and I would gather in the gymnasium for a series of challenges that determined that the president thought I was fat.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 8, 2020
COVID: you can stop me if you pay everyone to stay home and do widespread testing
REPUBLICANS: hmmm let’s get rid of the mail
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) August 10, 2020
oh fuck oh fuck fuck pic.twitter.com/CIviSekshh
— Matt (@matthwatson) August 9, 2020
This part…. pic.twitter.com/63MyNj9qMC
— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) August 9, 2020
Barber Shops With Threatening Auras pic.twitter.com/8QgyWy8CtJ
— K. Thor Jensen (@kthorjensen) August 10, 2020
I’m not trying any of these. pic.twitter.com/tFSg7ND76M
— Jason Gore (@sonicdork) August 10, 2020
ben shapiro: lets say, hypothetically, you did “cum”
his wife: i didn’t tho.
— randy (@randypaint) August 10, 2020
There’s two kinds of British TV shows, the one that has five episodes and a Christmas special, and the one that has aired every afternoon since 1951.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) August 10, 2020
moms are just people who clean the house because they think they need to impress your dad’s other kids
— ashley ray (@theashleyray) August 11, 2020
that’s moby pic.twitter.com/rTkoRXx8o2
— chris (@BassoonJokes) August 10, 2020
(some no name twitter person posts a questionable joke) let’s wreck this guy’s shit. let’s make sure he never gets another job in his life
(a professional politician gets nominated for vp) look everyone has a past, the important thing is,
— Build Back Better (@InternetHippo) August 12, 2020
2019 2020 pic.twitter.com/xr52mw1l83
— Adrián (@Adrogomo) August 11, 2020
me and the timeline reading new herman cain tweets pic.twitter.com/m6CH9bZtC1
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) August 13, 2020
if a dead person is going to start tweeting again couldn’t it at least be carrie fisher
— Connor Goldsmith (@dreamoforgonon) August 13, 2020
my death will trigger 1,000 years’ worth of scheduled Paddington gif tweets. none of you shall live to see the end of it. only the bear will remain, eating marmalade at the end of time.
— david ehrlich (@davidehrlich) August 13, 2020
I have pre-written over 8,000 tweets so I can Herman Cain the shit outta this place in the event of my demise and whatnot.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) August 13, 2020
Herman Cain continuing to tweet in favor of Trump after dying from a disease he probably caught at a reckless Trump rally is a pretty decent encapsulation of why it’s a waste of time for Democrats to try and court Republican voters.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) August 13, 2020
There are many valid opinions on the question of What Is The Most Purely ’90s Shit In Film History, but I will cast my vote here for Event Horizon ending on a cheesy fake-out scare, a literal THE END title, and then the credits rolling under The Prodigy’s “Funky Shit.”
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) August 13, 2020
me: my whole family died when I was young, leaving me to fend for myself, I had to l steal to get by and sometimes even kill
iphone friends: Loved “my whole family died when I was a kid, leaving me to fend for myself, I had to l steal to get by and sometimes even kill”
— lil egusi vert (@yedoyeOT) August 12, 2020
There is not one single piece of television that is more relatable than Marge Simpson saying ‘at times like this, I guess all you can do is laugh’ and then staring silently pic.twitter.com/4yptzz9KMA
— Taylor Swift Socialist (@labourtswift) August 12, 2020
Seeing some comments along the lines of “why give QAnon a platform?” Friends, I’m afraid that horse has left the barn, bought a laptop, gone to 8kun, posted a drop in a 200,000-member Facebook group, laundered it onto cable news, and filed papers to run for Congress.
— Kevin Roose (@kevinroose) August 13, 2020
The housing market for Millenials pic.twitter.com/wLr2tjhryl
— Spike Friedman (@SpikeFriedman) August 13, 2020
A reporter should ask Trump if he’s ever cried. The answer will be amazing whatever he says
— Mike Royce (@MikeRoyce) August 14, 2020
TRUMP: Mail is illegal now
DEMOCRATS: Fam, smash that RT if you agree someone should do something about this
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) August 14, 2020
i hate this pandemic, if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have just moved to boston
— sippin on dat (@vivafalastin) August 14, 2020
Doing my part to save USPS through extended correspondences with married ladies, full of fervent passion and bittersweet longing, with an emotional arc from intense infatuation to the most steadfast of friendships, leaving historians to question if there was something bi going on
— That’s “Ms.” Make Matters Worse (@katewillett) August 14, 2020
Me logging on to twitter each morning: pic.twitter.com/JNnaX2IWOe
— Travis Heath (@DrTravisHeath) August 14, 2020