I think you’ll agree that if there’s one thing we’re experts about over at Paste, it’s miraculous, life-extending nutritional advice. That’s why it pains us so much to see the sad state of American life expectancy. Sure, new and exciting diet plans such as caloric restriction are a good start for those interested in pushing their lifespans toward the 150-year mark, but we think that’s aiming awfully low. After all, why choose to become a wizened crone when veritable godhood is so much more rewarding?
That’s why we’ve devised this Ultimate Longevity Diet. Combining the best aspects of disciplines such as caloric restriction and intense, health-focused prayer—programs believed and observed by thousands of real-life human beings—we’ve developed a series of easy-to-follow steps guaranteed to not only halt but potentially reverse the aging process entirely.*
*Warning: Should you notice yourself de-aging at such a pace as to be re-entering a previous larval stage, you’ll want to reduce the intensity of the diet by at least 20% so as not to blink out of existence, Benjamin Button-style.
It’s as simple as following these guidelines.
Let us not forget, even for a moment, that your so-called “sustenance” actually wishes you grave bodily harm. Food is a fickle, duplicitous thing. It schemes behind your back, drawing up secret plans and schematics in the war room you call a refrigerator. Every meal represents your potential destruction at the hands of a nutritional insurgency.
Those who practice caloric restriction diets already know this. They know all the obvious basics, like the fact that any morsel of food large enough to potentially block one’s windpipe should be discarded immediately. Gentlemen like the fellow in this NY Mag story also know that there’s a MASSIVE difference between consuming an optimal 1,913 calories per day and a grossly excessive 1,914th, which would no doubt launch a destructive spiral from which return is quite impossible, in the same manner that light cannot escape the event horizon of a black hole.
And once one gets beyond the annoyance of occasional hunger pains, the realization soon comes that food is truly more trouble than it’s worth. All that time one would normally be spending cooking or consuming foodstuffs? That can all simply be repurposed into an extra two hours of daily Bikram hot yoga, which is a much more satisfying sustenance … for the chakra.
And then of course there are the more direct health benefits of the foodless lifestyle. As is well-known in caloric restriction circles, the body responds to stress with a “fight for survival” instinct that promotes long life. This same cellular instinct can also be used for intensive healing—say, from malignancies, tumors and otherwise undesirable lumps of flesh. Forced with a lack of otherwise pointless food to digest, what do you think your body is going to eat? Cancer cells, that’s what, and the result is an abominal cavity that is pure and clean as a whistle. Ask any respected yogi (loudly, repeatedly, and in English), and he’ll confirm these teachings.
Great news: Just because you’ve moved into a post-food chapter of your life doesn’t mean you can no longer enjoy the tactile sensation of putting an object into your mouth and masticating it until it’s a fibrous pulp. Plenty of objects can be chewed and swallowed purely for recreation, without contributing any unwanted calories: Plastic, wood chips, medical gauze and sugarless gum are all wonderful for this purpose.
Might I suggest, though, that you also take to swallowing other materials that will actively promote your lifespan in addition to being fun? Take the miraculous Kinoki Foot Pads, for instance. These life-saving squares of white magic paper are traditionally attached to the feet, where they withdraw toxins and form a black smudge that can’t be explained in any other way, so please don’t try. It stands to reason, though, that what works fairly well via simple application against the feet would work even better if it was scrubbing you clean from the inside out, passing through your digestive system. We recommend 17 to 24 Kinoki Foot Pads in every mid-day meal, taken at the same time as you’re preparing your daily homeopathy solutions. Try sprinkling them with Stevia if the “foot pad” flavor is a little too robust.
You may be familiar with the Blue Zones philosophy, which revolves around emulating the lifestyle choices and environmental factors of people who live in “blue zones”—so-called areas where residents are much more likely to live beyond the age of 100. These factors include numerous conditions that hinge on everything from diet to pollution to community dynamics, but let’s focus in on what is undoubtedly the most important: Religious membership.
Yes, as it turns out, religious membership or faith of some kind is directly linked in various Blue Zones to longevity, which means that we absolutely need to incorporate it into our own Ultimate Longevity Diet. However, as with these other tips, we’re also going to KICK IT UP to the next level in order to enjoy the immortality-granting effects of true body and soul harmony. Suffice to say, it’s not enough to simply join a church. You’re going to need to join something a little stronger.
What you want is a health-promoting cult, whose members will really be ready to “get on your back” about infringements such as the eating of food or neglecting of foot pad consumption. After all, in your weak moments of doubt and self-loathing, who is going to stop you from indulging in the soul-deadening hedonism of a loaf of fresh bread? Cult friends, that’s who. Cult friends are the friends who can always be counted upon to remove meddlesome personal qualities such as free will and independent thinking. We recommend seeking out the local apocalypse cult or Scientology office that fits you juuusssst right, as this is not a decision you want to make idly. If none are immediately available, your local Flat Earth Society would probably be happy to have you as well.
Simply following the steps above in Paste’s Ultimate Longevity Diet should fairly easily grant you a lifespan that stretches into the millennia, and possibly heat vision as well, but if you REALLY need to speed up the process there is one more extreme measure that might be taken: The Preacher Method.
The Preacher Method is named after AMC’s hit TV comics adaptation of the same name, airing Sunday nights at 9 p.m. EST. As a noted expert in the fields of metaphysical nutrition and wellness, I was contacted by an AMC research intern who inquired after realistic procedures the show’s two angel characters, Fiore and Deblanc, could perform on the protagonist in order to rid him of supernatural infestation. Naturally, I was happy to provide them with a detailed process in return for a nominal fee.
As seen in Sunday’s upcoming episode, “El Valero,” the method revolves around the classic 1889 American children’s poem “Wynken, Blynken and Nod,” which is set to music and sung in the creepiest manner possible in order to entice powerful entities to abdicate the body of the host. No one knows quite why all mischievous entities seem to respond to this particular song, but what is known is that you will require a rusty old coffee can to place on the chest of the afflicted person to act as the “domicile” for the entity after it has been banished. You should empty the can of coffee first. Entities do not like coffee.
I provide to you the show’s rendition of the song below, free of charge, but I honestly recommend the more melodic version recorded by The Irish Rovers in 1969.
If, for any reason, Paste’s Ultimate Longevity Guide fails to provide you with the immortality you’re seeking, you are entitled to a full money-back guarantee. Simply send an invoice for the old, rusty coffee can to email@example.com, along with a $49.99 processing charge, and I’ll make sure your grievances are fully addressed.
I look forward to meeting you and shaking your hand in the year 3016, and knowing from the self-satisfied look in your eye that you have profited from my valuable advice.
Jim Vorel is Paste’s staff writer, and he’s currently 243 years old, thanks to his use of the Ultimate Longevity Diet. You can follow him on Twitter.