My friends tend to know that I have a fascination with unhealthy, decadent or otherwise ridiculous food, to the extent that I have a regular feature at Paste that specifically focuses on that topic, but this is a new one even for me. This afternoon, I was forwarded the above image, which purports to show a “pizza box pizza.” Those words, strung together in that order, are meant to convey the following: A pizza, inside a “pizza box” that is also made from pizza.
Yeah, that’s a thing, courtesy of Vinnie’s Pizzeria in Brooklyn, who revealed this abomination in the eyes of God via their Twitter.
But enough background—I have questions for Vinnie’s. Many questions, concerning the physical makeup, procedure and execution of this thoroughly original pizza. I am going to need these questions answered immediately. Please contact me at your earliest convenience, Vinnie’s. I am not joking. I really, truly want to know the answers to all the following questions.
Pizza Box Pizza Queries
1. The bottom side of the top half of the box—is it also covered in toppings?
And if so, how do you keep them firmly attached to what amounts to the lid of the box? If you close the crust box (does it fully close?), do all the toppings fall off the lid of the box and onto the sub-pizza within? And while I’m at it, is “sub-pizza” appropriate terminology for the auxiliary pie inside the crust box?
2. How does the hinge work, exactly?
It’s just that I’ve never seen a working hinge made of dough before—not even on the many episodes of Modern Marvels or Unwrapped that I watched on The History Channel/The Food Channel in the mid-2000s. Has Vinnie’s Pizzeria invented some sort of space-age crust polymers that can repeatedly bend into right angles and beyond without breaking or tearing? Could this technology be applied toward making, say, ultralight aeroplanes out of crust, assuming that the bread would also be poisoned to discourage meddlesome birds from eating the aircraft in mid-flight?
3. How does one deliver the pizza box pizza?
The mere fact that it has a box implies that this item is not intended for consumption in-store but for delivery, so how is that achieved? Is the pizza box pizza wedged inside another, larger, slightly less edible box of some sort? Or does the delivery person simply slide the crust onto the vinyl seats of his 2004 Honda Civic? Moreover, are special gloves required to carry the crust box, if it’s coming out of the oven piping hot?
4. Have you considered any other objects made of pizza?
You know, a pizza oven constructed entirely of blackened, nearly atomized crust and Buffalo mozzarella would probably perfume the shop with an unforgettable aroma. Just saying.
5. What substances were you ingesting while giving birth to this concept?
...and where can I get some to fuel my own late-night listicle-writing benders?