The 11 Best Replacements for Bill O’Reilly at Fox News

Well, so ends the run of Fox News’ most palatable racist. The sexual harassment firestorm that still engulfs the network is too large for even Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly’s evil sorcery to combat—and now Fox News has a giant gaping hole in their 8 pm time slot while a grease fire spreads from the kitchen to the board room. Tucker Carlson will take O’Reilly’s place for the foreseeable future, but after losing their cash cow, there is no doubt that Fox News is looking for a much splashier pundit who can restore the money fountain that O’Reilly took with him. I reached out to Twitter for help on finding his replacement and a few chimed in with their thoughts.

@Jakeweindlinghttps://t.co/1vPJnq6SQE

— Seth Pringle (@spring1e) April 19, 2017

@Jakeweindling 5 old white men from St. Louis who recently moved into assisted living.

— Screamer Jim ???? (@HeheWaitWhut) April 19, 2017

@Jakeweindlingpic.twitter.com/Ep2Y4I0nIU

— Shane Kirby (@ShaneKirby) April 19, 2017

That last one is Pedobear. You may think that it’s absurd to pluck an entity spawned by the 4chan message boards, but hey—that’s also where our president came from, so maybe it’s not such a crazy idea. Here are Paste’s 11 best replacements for Bill O’Reilly.

1. Tomi Lahren

Pros:
— Is blonde.
— Is willing to sell her public persona to the highest bidder.
— Fox could totally get away with telling their viewers that she’s Megyn Kelly’s daughter to boost their ratings.

Cons:
— Is pro-choice (kind of?).
— Is one-third the age of Fox News’ target demographic.
— Isn’t Megyn Kelly (how shitty does 21st Century Fox feel chasing their only other bankable personality out the door in the same ordeal where they had to sacrifice their golden goose? Let’s all take a moment to laugh at the hilarious mismanagement by Fox News executives in what looks to be a horrific and disgusting scandal that will hopefully burn the current iteration to the ground, so something more reasonable may spring from its ashes).

2. Milo Yiannopoulos

Pros:
— Is Pepe the frog in human form.
— Thinks Trump is his “daddy.”
— Is super racist AND super sexist—a Fox News bingo!
— Probably wouldn’t sexually harass any women.

Cons:
— His pro-pedophilia stance.
— His stupid fucking hair.
— That thing where he perpetually professes his love for black dicks.

3. Tiffany Trump

Pros:
— Is blonde.
— Last name is Trump.

Cons:
— Double majored in sociology and urban studies, so she’s probably too smart for O’Reilly’s audience.
—  Donald Trump probably wouldn’t watch Fox News as often.

4. Kellyanne Conway

Pros:
— Is blonde.
— Basically worked at Fox News for the past year anyway.
— Has a ton of free time now that she’s been relegated to creating a buffer zone all day between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner.

Cons:
— Lies too much even for Fox News’ standards.

5. Steve Harvey

Pros:
— Humiliated a Spanish-speaking woman in front of the entire universe.
— Willingly met Donald Trump once.
— Has experience mediating family feuds.

Cons:
— Viewers may confuse him with the other black man on the network.

6. Bender from Futurama

Pros:
— He’s a narcissist who loves gambling, cigars, hookerbots, committing crimes and has 100,000 terabytes of porn on his hard drive, so he’s basically O’Reilly’s id.

Cons:
— Last name is Rodríguez.
— Has experienced the end of the universe twice and is frequently drunk, so he’d definitely spoil the news at some point.

7. Skeletor

Pros:
— Is the Evil Lord of Destruction.
— Looks like Rupert Murdoch.
— Is completely insane.

Cons:
— Is completely insane.
— Acknowledges when he’s failed.
— Nearly every male Fox pundit thinks they’re He-Man, so his ongoing plot to kill him probably wouldn’t go over so well.

8. Malik Obama

Pros:
— They’d get to say “Obama” a lot more—just like old times!
— Sherriff David Clarke and Sean Hannity would finally have a friend at the network who’s similarly disconnected from reality.

Cons:
— Not as popular with Nazis as you’d think.
— His name is still Obama.

9. Vladimir Putin in a Clark Kent Disguise

Pros:
— Would instantly become Donald Trump’s favorite show.
— Less ill-tempered than Bill O’Reilly.
— Would annex CNN.

Cons:
— Fox News is already under federal investigation, so this certainly wouldn’t help.
— Would certainly be the final straw for the remaining real news people at Fox.
— Sean Hannity would definitely challenge him to an MMA fight.

10. A Ronald Reagan Mask Covering an Air Horn

Pros:
— Reagan!
— I CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE’S SAYING BUT HE SOUNDS ANGRY SO I’M ANGRY!
— REAGAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!

Cons:
— Would eventually make all their viewers deaf.
— Not Ronald Reagan.

11. Donald Trump’s Tremendously Tremendous Fireside Chats

Pros:
— TV President!
— Ratings bonanza.
— Would streamline the feedback loop between the presidency and his preferred propaganda.

Cons:
— Would become a perfect symbol of everything America aspires to be while utterly failing to meet our own standards.
— He’d probably just hang around the office all day just so he doesn’t have to go back to his real job.
— Would actually increase the rate of sexual harassment from the O’Reilly era.

Jacob Weindling is Paste’s business and media editor, as well as a staff writer for politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.