Dino Binging: Watching the First Three Jurassic Park Films

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With the much-anticipated Jurassic World hitting the theaters, I thought it would be appropriate to revisit the movie that started it all: Jurassic Park. Then I thought, “Why not just binge-watch all three of them?” So I did. I went on this arduous journey that many others have probably decided to go on before the new one opens. I added The Lost World: Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park III to my iTunes rental cue and I just went for it—and live blogged (and Instagrammed) all of it for you r reading pleasure. I’m a huge fan of the original, but revisiting the two sequels was—how should I put this? Well, let’s just say I barely remember The Lost World and never even bothered with the third one. Nonetheless, I came out of the experience alive and unscathed. I hope you do, too.

Jurassic Park

0:00:00 - This is one of my favorites of all time, so I probably won’t have lots of bad things to say about it because I’ll be too busy enjoying all of its awesomeness.

0:00:25 - This eerie intro is courtesy of John Williams’ fantastic score. Please step forward if you, like me, were a band geek in the nineties who played part or all of it in concert or in a marching band show.

0:01:28 - The production design looks exactly like the outdated ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. (Note to the makers of rides at Universal Studios: now would be a better time than any for you to update that ride. Those animatronic dinosaurs are starting to rust.)

0:01:51 - Isla Nublar sounds like a Star Wars character.

0:02:55 - First dinosaur attack of the movie—and guess who the first victim is? A black man. Do horror movie clichés apply to this film as well?

0:03:49 - I know that when I plan a trip to the jungles of the Dominican Republic, I like to pack as many suits as possible—just like the one Donald (Martin Ferrero) wears. It would probably make the humid tropical weather more bearable.

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0:05:54 - Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) doesn’t seem like he trusts computers on digs. Just wait until 2015 when a computer can fit in the palm of your hands and you can use a cool thing called SnapChat perfect for sending pictures of fossilized dino private parts to your loved ones.

0:06:20 - It seems like the uniform for archeological digs includes lumberjack or denim button ups, aviator glasses, Timbaland boots, bandana neckerchiefs, bucket caps and a nice pair of khakis or jorts pulled up very high. This is all starting to look like a page from an Eddie Bauer or L.L. Bean catalog.

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0:07:39 - What is this awkward boy doing at a dig? Is this someone’s kid? Or does he just go wandering the Badlands looking for archeological digs to criticize? How have we gone this long without anyone noticing this?

0:08:45 - … and FYI: that is Stephanie Tanner’s friend, Duckface from Full House.

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0:13:40 - I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Wayne Knight can’t play anyone outside of Newman or that Tommy Bahama shirt.

0:14:33 - Did you know about the ingenious Barbasol Jurassic World partnership? It’s quite clever.

0:15:35 - Again, I have to question the wardrobe choices—this time with Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum). If you know you’re going to a tropical environment, would you wear a leather jacket … or is that a blazer? And again this Donald dude is wearing a suit. This time with shorts. It’s like business on top, safari on the bottom.

0:20:26 - Remember how in awe we were when we saw all these dinosaurs? We were all freaking out on how it cool it was. It looked SOOOO real … and 22 years later these effects surprisingly hold up.

0:26:11 - Remember how we thought that extracting blood from a mosquito preserved in amber could bring dinosaurs back to life?

0:26:12 - … actually, maybe it could still happen.

0:26:13 - But don’t tell Ross from Friends that.

0:27:28 - Donald just called the workers “autoerotica” when he meant to say animatronic. We know where his mind is.

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Autoerotica in Jurassic Park.

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0:28:18 - Hey, it's B.D. Wong! (Apparently he survived the fall of Jurassic Park because he's in Jurassic World!)

0:34:34 - They say they would charge $2,000 – $10,000/day for admission to Jurassic Park, claiming that people would pay it. HELL TO THE NO.

0:35:40 - Why are they eating in a room that is constantly playing a slideshow? And how is Jeff Goldblum still be wearing that leather jacket?

0:38:16 - Ugh. Just what this movie needs: rambunctious kids.

0:45:10 - Someone meme'd this moment for us. A very YOU GO GIRL! Moment.

0:48:30 - So there just happened to be plastic glasses of water on each tour car for Dr. Malcolm to do his flirty chaos theory demonstration.

0:50:23 - If it were today, that sick Triceratops would have been played by Andy Serkis.

0:52:50 - “That is one big pile of sh*t.” For real. That pile of poop looks taller than the Triceratops. I especially like how no one is affected by the smell. I am just gagging thinking about it.

1:02:13 - Those glasses of water are there for anything else besides drinking.

1:04:46 - This is the point in the movie where the dumb-ass girl takes a flashlight and shines it all over the place in a panic because she thinks that will help.

1:05:00 - The T-Rex attack still gets me excited … and it is terrifying. I mean, it is one of the best scenes in movie history. It makes me tense up and think, “What would I do in this situation?” I know what I wouldn't do: shine a goddam flashlight like a moron.

1:07:55 - Universal Studios had the toilet where the lawyer got eaten on display in 1994. I remember posing on it. Anyways, that death scene is the best. It's what we all were waiting for. We wanted to see the T-Rex chow down on something. The fact he was on a toilet makes it even more satisfying.

1:09:26 - I wonder if at any point during the T-rex attack if Dr. Grant thought, “F*ck it, I'm just gonna leave these kids behind.”

1:11:54 - Dennis Nedry is a cross between Augustus Gloop and Chris Christie.

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1:14:54 - The girl is now hysterical. That would have been the perfect opportunity to slap her, no excuse needed.

1:16:11 - Tim ended up throwing up because the car he was in fell off a cliff and got stuck in a tree after the T-Rex attack. I would have done more than throw up.

1:18:50 - Wait a second … how could there be pieces of Genero all over the place? Didn't the T-Rex swallow him whole? At least we don't have to see that hideous shorts suit anymore. Maybe the T-Rex wasn't digging it either.

1:29:31 - How in the hell did little Timmy know that dinosaur has a cold? Is there a book for that?

1:29:58 - Ew. That dinosaur basically blew snot all over that girl. First she gets attacked by a T-Rex and now she has dino-boogers all over her. She just can't catch a break.

1:31:08 - Did he just smell the egg remnants? Gross.

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1:31:32 - Looks like dinosaurs are all growing up, having feelings for each other, exploring each other's bodies. They are gettin' freaky.

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DINOSAURS ARE KNOCKIN' DA BOOTS! #jurassicbinge

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1:31:36 - Gratuitous, seductive bare-chested Jeff Goldblum shot.

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BAE. #jurassicbinge

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1:36:40 - Sure, they let Sam Jackson go out on his own without protection, but for Laura Dern they'll give her a walkie and a partner with a gun.

1:39:02 - Laura Dern's exciting obstacle course run for the shed. Swinging from the branches is some Laura Croft realness.

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1:43:39 - Wouldn't 10,000 volts killed the little boy? Anyways, imagine how bad everyone smells.

1:47:20 - Damn. That reunion was intense. It looked like Laura Dern wanted to f*ck the hell out of Dr. Grant.

1:48:59 - It is so entertaining to see velociraptor hunting the kids and leaving them forever traumatized.

1:53:35 - MODERN TECHNOLOGY!!!

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1:56:54 - The more I see the velociraptors, the cuter they get – like the Geico Gecko.

1:57:25 - Oh look at who's coming to the rescue—T-Rex. I guess they're not complaining about him now, huh?

1:58:37 - I know what he's thinking: I wasted so much goddam money on this place.

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1:59:00 - So from what I get from the ending is that Hammond literally saw it fall apart before his eyes and that Dern and Dr. Grant want to have kids. But hey, dinosaurs are still fun, right? Um. okay. Anyways, I love this movie. I'll watch the hell out of it every time it's on.

That was fun … but now onto the sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park...

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

0:00:00 - I don't ever remember actually watching The Lost World. From it's 52% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, maybe it's better that I don't remember.

0:02:12 - Oh dear God. It' a family of privilege with accents having brunch on a remote island. This already is starting off bad.

0:03:04 - This little girl just wanders off without notice because her parents are too busy doing rich people things. Now she is feeding a baby dinosaur some roast beef. We all see where this is going.

0:03:28 - ...and now a swarm of baby dinosaurs are getting ready to attack her. She's as good as dead. This is all the result of bad parenting.

0:04:12 - The blood-curdling scream indicates that she is dead. I wanted to see that. Again, a missed opportunity for a satisfying dinosaur mauling. This is immediately cut to Jeff Goldblum boarding a subway with—you guessed it—his leather jacket.

0:05:35 - Okay. I just checked the run time on this movie. It's 129 minutes. Two minutes longer than the first one. Based on the opening scene, I think this movie could afford to be 90 minutes long—at most.

0:06:25 - Oh good. The kids are back. They are all grown up, and Timmy is wearing clothes that are five sizes too big.

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0:07:33 - So this is obviously going to be Dr. Malcolm-centric. At this point, they are cramming everything we need to know about what's happening. The world is acting like Jurassic Park never happened (for PR's sake and to protect Hammond's crazy ass) and making Dr. Malcolm look like a crazy person for saying otherwise.

0:08:39 - “This suit cost more than your education.” Nice. I wonder what brilliant mind came up with that burn in the writer's room.

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0:08:58 - Old man is in bed with fancy pajamas and has a bunch of machines around him. This doesn't look good. My guess is he's dead by Act II.

0:10:10 - Okay. So now we find out that there was another island where they raised dinosaurs before they put them into Jurassic Park. Jesus Christ. This old man is just having a grand ol' time playing God. He wants Malcolm and a new team of scientists to go document these dinosaurs and see what's going on with them. You know, just because.

0:12:01 - Remember that girl in the beginning? She's fine. I hope they show her injuries. Or her mauled body. I am hoping that maybe the baby dinosaurs gnawed off her arm and now she has a Imperator Furiosa-style bionic arm.

0:13:48 - After Malcolm says no, the old man basically says, “Bitch, your paleontologist girlfriend approached me about this and jumped on this opportunity, so you have no choice but to go.” He's basically a manipulating punk. Then again, he is quite clever with his negotiation tactics.

0:15:41 - Vince Vaughn plays a wildlife photographer and it's punctuated by his “artsy-cool” paperboy cap. Kudos to the costuming department for that.

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The Newsies make their way to The Lost World! #jurassicbinge

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0:16:30 - Dr. Malcolm has a black daughter. I have to commend this act of progressive casting—and this was released in 1997.

0:22:49 - First gratuitous dinosaur shot: stegosaurus. It's quite anti-climactic.

0:23:46 - The reveal of Julianne Moore's character, Sarah Harding, was more exciting than the dinosaurs. She's very eager. (Read: annoying.) Sure, all of this dinosaur watching is exciting until a T-Rex eats a guy sitting on a toilet.

0:25:52 - Nikon: the official camera of The Lost World. Your pictures will ROAR with realism!

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0:27:22 - Sure, when your life is endangered by a pack of stegosauruses, you run towards them. Not away. Do what you need to do to make yourself look smart, Sarah.

0:29:33 - Uh oh. They have a stowaway! It's Malcolm's daughter. And she tried to make dinner for everyone but ended up setting something on fire outside of the trailer where she was cooking. I don't understand the logic behind that.

0:32:13 - This is getting worse than the original by the minute. It's focusing too much on the relationship between Sarah and Malcolm. Who cares about that? We want dinosaurs! We want a body count! We want that intensity and thrill that was delivered by the first! We want Dr. Grant! We don't want domestic spats.

0:35:00 - So now another group of people led by Pete Postlethwaite are coming to the island to basically poach the dinosaurs. I've noticed that a lot of the dialog is blatantly telling us the purpose of each character; taking away all the intrigue and making the movie really boring. They might as well just have name cards for that.

0:36:07 - Is this guy a founding member of Duck Dynasty or an extra in Walker Texas Ranger?

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0:39:15 - Now this movie has become an anti-hunting and animal abuse campaign, but at least the evil soulless poachers have made the movie a little bit more interesting … but I'm still counting down till the closing credits.

0:42:40 - I'm too busy thinking of what would make this movie better to pay close attention. The story would have been a lot more interesting if the poachers were already on the island and Malcolm's team was sent to infiltrate and stop them. That would of made it more action-packed Mission Impossible-esque movie rather than a “free all the animals” extravaganza.

0:48:33 - As much as I am not enjoying this, I still have to give major props to all the practical effects—especially this baby T-rex. I want one of my own.

0:50:15 - It's surprising that the only one with any sense in all this is the little girl. She knows that the big T-rex is gonna come back for her baby while the other dumb asses remain totally clueless to do “the right thing” and fix the baby's leg. I expected more out of you Julianne Moore.

0:54:10 - This question is for all you paleontologists out there. If you were to come across a baby T-rex with a fractured leg, would you know what to do to? Do they teach you that kind of thing in dinosaur school?

0:56:23 - Really? Did they thinking that the T-rexes would just go back into the jungle after these people basically kidnapped their kid? They're acting surprised that they came back to f*ck them up.

1:00:13 - It's clear that after the studio saw that Jurassic Park was a gigantic success, they decided that they needed to make a movie immediately so they wrote a script in an hour and forced Steven Spielberg by gunpoint to direct it.

1:05:58 - Finally! A dinosaur mauling scene that I can get on board with. More of that would be wonderful.

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1:07:25 - Looks like the good guys are going to have to partner with the bad guys to get off the island. It's going to be a very Jets vs. Sharks situation. Paleontologist-on-paleontologist crime is never pretty.

1:09:00 - They just discovered that there are velociraptors. So both T-Rexes and velociraptors are making a return. BORING. The audience have already seen all that. Introduce some new crazy dinosaurs that are a bigger threat … or at least have some nudity.

1:15:43 - The movie gets points for the swarm of Compsognathus attacking Peter Stormare's character. It's quite enjoyable. I just wish we would have seen his final demise instead of a lame stream of blood noting his death.

1:22:45 - The T-rex is going on a panty raid y'all!

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PANTY RAID!!!!! #jurassicbinge

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1:24:40 - Question number 2 for all you paleontologists out there: Would there be a tranquilizer powerful enough to sedate a T-rex? I mean, it ain't no horse or lion so I am guessing it would have to be pretty damn powerful.

1:25:44 - Julianne Moore just got a tongue bath from a T-rex. Was that necessary? Either way, it was kind of gross … and a little bit hot.

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Some hot T-Rex tongue action from The Lost World that deserves your attention. #jurassicbinge

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1:27:27 - So now the velociraptors are attacking. You know, because they mentioned it earlier so they just needed to just throw it in there. This movie is full of “and then…” storytelling with no satisfying outcome.

1:32:42 - At this point, I just want Sam Neill and Laura Dern to helicopter in and save the day. Just so that the movie could be done and over with.

1:35:26 - Why didn't they just take higher ground to begin with?

1:36:21 - FINALLY! Gymnastics are getting the attention they deserve in a film! I'm sure this was a bigger deal back in '97 when everyone was still excited about the Magnificent Seven from the Atlanta Olympics. In your face Dominique Moceanu.

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Good form, but the dismount left much to be desired. #jurassicbinge

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1:39:14 - So that's it? They just get helicoptered away? What's going to happen for the last half hour of this movie? For the love of God why can't this just be over?!

1:39:33 - I guess they have to rescue that T-rex that almost killed them because it's the “right thing to do.”

1:48:50 - So now the T-Rex is just wandering through the suburbs willy nilly. This movie has officially become a joke.

1:53:08 - I bet you an executive said, “Wouldn't it be cool if there was a part of the movie when Asians were running away from the T-Rex—just like Godzilla! That would be so funny!” He got his wish of being an unfunny racist.

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1:59:02 - This movie is just all over the place, isn't it? I cannot handle it anymore.

2:00:58 - Someone just needs to stop Hammond. He's a mad man for trying to keep these dinosaurs alive … and if they stopped him, we wouldn't be subject to a third one.

Okay, that was pretty painful, but let's finish what we started with Jurassic Park III...

Jurassic Park III

0:00:01 - Good news: this installment is only 92 minutes. Bad news: It has a 49% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

0:00:40 - They are really overdoing it with this water ripple effect in the opening title sequence. It's like they just discovered they could do this cool effect on Final Cut and so they use it every chance they could get.

0:00:45 - And for the record, I never watched this one. I'll be popping my Jurassic Park III cherry.

0:00:53 - Isla Sorna? How many fake islands did Hammond put dinosaurs on. Jesus.

0:03:24 - I cannot handle this obvious green screen parasailing sequence. It looks like one of those special effects shows at Universal Studios where they call upon awkward volunteers from the audience to get on stage to re-enact a scene so it's like “they're in the movie!”

0:04:24 - Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler are back! And do they have kids?!

0:05:33 - Oh snap! They aren't together anymore! Dr. Sattler was jeepin' with another dude, so she can have some babies. Apparently, Dr. Grant still couldn't be convinced to have kids. Good for him.

0:06:00 - The dramatic music during the talk about raptor vocalization indicates that this is an important detail in the plot. If it is, then God help them.

0:09:17 - Dr. Grant said, “No force on Earth or Heaven can get me on that island” in regard to studying dinosaurs on Isla Sorna. The movie should have just ended there.

0:11:20 - He's making her stroke a bone. This is paleontologist porn.

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Jurassic Park III enters the BONE ZONE. #jurassicbinge

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0:12:58 - It's William H. Macy! Another Boogie Nights alum in the Jurassic Universe!

0:14:45 - Basically, dumb ass rich people want to go to Isla Sorna. Dr. Grant is iffy about being their guide, but as soon as Macy busts out the check book, he's on board. Apparently, Earth and heaven could make him go, but a bunch of zeroes on a check could. In your face, GOD!

0:15:00 - The best scene of the movie.

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LOL. #jurassicbinge

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0:21:50 - Once again, rich people who think they don't have to listen to anyone and do whatever they want … and I'm mad at Tea Leoni's hair.

0:23:57 - As compelling and two-dimensional as this story is, I really enjoy how they are getting straight to dinosaurs eating people.

0:31:20 - I have been fooled. Macy and Leoni's characters aren't dumb-ass rich people. They're just dumb-ass people looking for their son. (He was the dude parasailing in the beginning.)

0:34:45 - Well, someone doesn't like skeletons. She seriously needs to take a pill.

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Calm the fuck down…geez. #jurassicbinge

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0:40:43 - There is absolutely nothing for me to say about this movie. It's so boring that it doesn't deserve to be made fun of.

0:42:22 - Raptors sound like they have lots of phlegm. Like they're hocking a loogie.

0:44:48 - So this movie is basically an instructional on the language of a velociraptor and how a kid brings together two divorced parents.

0:46:00 - Oh Christ. The lost boy has become some sort of jungle Rambo warrior. I am so not in the mood for this. It just gone from worse to worser.

0:48:20 - I do want to see how he got the T-Rex pee. If they flash-backed to when he did it, it would liven things up. He must have been really bored to think, “Hey, this T-rex pee has gotta to be good for something. Let me go find some.”

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T-Rex pee looks like lemonade! Just like ours! #jurassicbinge

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0:50:54 - This is how I rank the remaining people from the least to most deserving to get eaten by a dinosaur:

Dr. Grant
Billy
Eric
Paul
Amanda

0:52:33 - I sure hope he isn't drinking some of his run-off pee.

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0:57:19 - I knew that Dane Cook Matthew McConaughey hybrid is up to no good. He's stealing raptor eggs! Shame on him. Now Dr. Grant won't be giving him a gold star.

0:58:39 - I am just now noticing how glorious Macy's pornstache is.

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1:07:11 - I hate to admit it, but this pterodactyl sequence is pretty good. I think I'm actually getting excited.

1:08:11 - Well, that was quick.

1:10:00 - Great. Since Billy is considered dead, Doctor Grant has to deal with these people on his own. I feel for him.

1:10:35 - I think I had that Nokia ringtone in 2001.

1:11:00 - GROSS. THEY ARE DIGGING THROUGH SH*T. What is it with these movies and people just willing to dig through sh*t?

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1:19:45 - Eskimo kisses!

1:20:39 - So all of a sudden, Dr. Grant speaks fluent velociraptor. Whatever gets us to the closing credits faster.

1:22:27 - KISS HIM!

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The most romantic part from Jurassic Park III. KISS HIM! #jurassicbinge

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1:24:32 - Oh Lord. This was so bad. Why did this movie feel like it was three hours?

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