IMDb closed its long-running message boards on February 20th after admitting the feature was “…no longer providing a positive, useful experience for the vast majority of our more than 250 million monthly users worldwide.” It was not a total shock: even in the lowly world of internet message boards, IMDb’s forums had developed a reputation for an almost brazen level of idiocy.
Oddly enough, I’ll miss them. Although undeniably stupid, the boards were a very unusual and often fascinating brand of stupid (minus the bigotry and intolerance you’ll find in just about any website’s comments section). Listed below, for the sake of posterity, are 12 of the finest examples of the inspired lunacy that defined IMDb’s message boards (and ultimately got them shut down).
1. That Airtight Defense of the Plot to Weekend at Bernie’s
Having vacationed several times on a resort island, I can attest to the “continuous party” atmosphere. Everyone is there to lose themselves and have a good time.
Those people were in constant party mode, expected to see Bernie wasted, and so, were none the wiser, or interested in being so. It’s not like they were close friends or anything, they were island party friends. Plus, it wasn’t like Bernie was a warm and fuzzy guy when alive. He is depicted as an inveterate playa. —Planet-38
2. Those Two Vivid and Rather Dark Theories as to Why Patti Mayonnaise Didn’t Have a Mom
Before Doug moved to Bluffington, Patti’s house was invaded by a masked intruder, armed with a gun, who seemed to have a history of stalking women. He broke into the house, killed Patti’s mom, shot Chad in the leg, and ran off. The crime was never solved, and the identity of the killer is unknown. —tommy_gun1221
Now to think about it, was it ever implied she died? There is also the chance she ran way/got a divorce after the accident as maybe she was not able to handle her husband having a handicap or something. —CountOroku01
3. Those Six Answers to that Eternal Question: How did Pee-wee Herman Make Ends Meet?
I think we are to assume that he got a moderate sized inheritance from his family and that he spends it slowly. —bing-57
I think it could be government benefits; the guy isn’t mentally normal. —ResidentEvil1
He’s a monkey trainer. —SofaOnWheels
He seems to invent all kinds of little knick-knacks and Goldberg machines?—?perhaps he owns several patents that pay high dividends? —MaximusGrandimus
I always thought that he made a living by playing himself on Pee Wee’s Playhouse?—?and that this film was just simply Pee Wee with a few days off from work. —Karliah
There’s a lotta things about Pee Wee we don’t know anything about. Things we wouldn’t understand. Things we couldn’t understand. Things we shouldn’t understand. —anderscl-1
4. That Grasping of Painfully Obvious Political Subtext of Disney’s Aladdin
I’ve concluded that the Genie on one level represents the atomic bomb and the political power whoever wields it commands, and the inherent danger in one’s power being based on a weapon that can be potentially controlled by multiple entities. Remember also that in 1992, the Cold War had just ended, and there had to be someone who was worried about what would happen to these weapons that we “didn’t need anymore.” Aladdin finally keeping his promise to free the Genie represents the Utopian idea of nobody having the bomb. —Stellanera
5. That Think Piece on How Edward Scissorhands Wiped His Ass.
He was a golem. A robot that has fake skin attached to his face. He has a very small amount of sentience, but not fully sentient. He didn’t truly need any kind of food or drink, so he doesn’t have any kind of excretion. This is why when he was given alcohol, it had an overtly adverse effect on him. His system couldn’t handle it. So basically, he doesn’t have an ass to wipe. —meiliken
6. All Those Nonstop, Brutal Takedowns of Pierce Brosnan’s character’s restaurant order in Mrs. Doubtfire.
Stu was pretty dumb for ordering Jambalaya in the first place. Jambalaya is meant to be spicy. Why would he even order it if he’s allergic to pepper? What’s going to happen if the cook forgets to make it non spicy like how he requested?
That’s like if I’m allergic to peanuts and I order a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. —racy1285
Seriously! I was just saying this last night… And to just say “not spicy I’m allergic to pepper” pepper doesn’t even make it spicy it’s everything else. —Pinkdaisy678
I agree 100% with this thread. Jambalaya IS a spicy dish! What the heck is it without the spices … blah!And lastly, just what kind of jambalaya was that supposed to be?! Jambalaya has rice, shrimp OR chicken, sliced sausage, diced veggies. That looked like an hor’deurve plate! —fiatlux-1
7. That Thorough Breakdown of Whether Each Character in Batman Returns would Have Voted Clinton or Trump.
Bruce-Trump, prioritizes security and generally doesn’t mind some brutality to achieve it.
Selina-reluctantly Clinton from thinking a woman would be at least a little better and really disliking Trump for his sexism and egotism.
Alfred-Clinton because he would consider Trump distasteful.
The Mayor and Gordon-Clinton-would be more likely to give them more resources and not demand accountability.
Josh and Jen-Trump out of blind partisanship.
The Ice Princess-probably wouldn’t vote since she would like both for being celebrities.
Oswald-Clinton because he resented Trump’s inherited wealth.
Gang-unknown but would probably just back whoever Oswald favored.
Max-would give to both but probably vote for Trump because he would think he would be more friendly to corporations and especially against energy regulations. —AndrewGS
8. That Surprisingly Reasonable and Incredibly Depressing Forrest Gump Fan Theory.
None of the stuff he talked about when he was sitting on the bench actually happened?—?at least not to him directly.
Think about it. Here’s a guy who won the medal of honor, international ping pong championship, cross-country runner, multi-millionaire, etc, etc, etc yet no one on the bench that he talks to recognizes him (or really believes him)? Also, once we’re in the present time, he doesn’t do anything extraordinary anymore, nor does he do anything to show his vast wealth!
As for the pictures that Jenny shows him in magazines and newspapers, I’m thinking his friends and family printed those things out to support his imagination, or whatever that is, because they see that it brings him a lot of happiness to talk about. —mherbert219
9. Those Very Aptly Titled “Disturbing Implications about Poison Ivy.”
I’ve mentioned some of these in the past, but this film has a lot of disturbing, and sometimes even gross, implications about Poison Ivy and the nature of her character if one really thinks about it.1. How Ivy discovers her powers. She mentions how her lips are filled with venom (which she likely finds out through taste), her skin with chlorophyl (which she can tell by looking at and feeling herself), and most importantly her blood with aloe. She has no noticeable cuts when she learns this information so the only way she could know about her blood is that she is menstruating, which would make sense especially when considering #2. Also later in the movie, when Robin asks if Ivy’s thumb is the only part of her that is green, and she responds by saying “you will just have to find out,” which implies he might get to see Ivy naked and she has a green vagina.
2. Ivy is pregnant. Because she is fertile and wants to rule the world and populate it with her plants, Ivy impregnates herself through sex with a plant (maybe underground during her transformation, there were some vines hanging out of her ripped up pants) or Bane (Ivy might have chosen him for his strength and as a way to celebrate her defeat of Woodrue, also because of his mask and venomous nature, Ivy could be intimate with him without killing him, and he always follows her around like a devoted lover for no reason and she calls him “darling”). Ivy’s children are conceived as seeds and grow inside her until she gives birth to them in the Turkish Baths scene. Notice how the seeds do not appear until Ivy squats down and puts her hand near her crotch, which implies she births them. On several occasions, she refers to the plants as her babies and herself as mother and acts as such around them. Also, the plants display several human characteristics like the one Ivy holds in the jar and the giggly childlike sounds the plants make.
3. How Ivy uses the Turkish Baths water. The Turkish Baths appears to have been vacant for some time when Ivy and Bane take it over, so there is liking no running water in the building, meaning she probably used the big pool as a toilet, which makes it extra gross for Robin when Ivy pushes him into the pool (i.e. she would rather have him drown in a pool of piss than let him win).
4. How Ivy gets her costumes. There is no way Ivy could have tailored her costumes considering how tightly they fit on her, especially the lime-green one. Perhaps she has the ability to grown her costumes on her body as a sort of second skin or a sort of shield to protect her body from harm (i.e. weapons, unwanted sexual advances).
5. How Ivy makes her pheromones. Pheromones are usually produced through sex organs, so Ivy likely makes her pheromone dust by synthesizing vaginal fluid she collects from herself (maybe via a tampon), which is gross but necessary to get men to be overtly attracted to her specifically.
6. Ivy and Freeze have sex. Ivy (thinks she) kills Freeze’s wife and forms an alliance with Freeze to take over the world and make herself the only woman in his life to become “Adam and Evil.” Ivy appears enamored by Freeze throughout the film and even stares at his crotch when Freeze asks what Ivy wants in return for helping Freeze escape and bring about global winter. Ivy and Freeze likely have sex considering how upset Freeze is when he learns that Ivy attempted to kill his wife, the fact that Ivy’s green suit isn’t seen again (ripped off), and Ivy’s need to conceive plant children who would be ice compatible to survive the new Ice Age. —Broncho_Knight
10. That Guy in the Tom Hank’s Big Forum Who Inadvertently Reveals Himself to Be a 35-Year-Old Virgin
Since josh was a 13 year old how he could make love to a grown woman even with an adult body ? —theromanempire-1
[A bunch of people reply that it’s pretty reasonable that a 13-year-old would have enough familiarity with sex for this to happen]
i knew many guys in their early 20s who never had sex before.when i was 25 half of my friends never had sex yet or they had sex once or twice…
the majority does sex between 17 and 30 years old.there are those who does it at 13 like you and there are those also who do it after 30 year old like a friend i had who had no problem not having sex until after 30 years old and only felt the need AFTER 30……..BUT U GUYS ARE THE MINORITY.THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. —theromanempire-1
[A bunch of people respond and are like “lol”]
I have a friend who never had sex until his 35 and now that he is 46 he has been with more women than many men who started sex at 13……as he has been now with around 1,000 women already in last 10 years.
IT’S WHEN U WILL BE READY TO DO IT. —theromanempire-1
11. Those Existential Deep Cuts on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.
Well the third movie is very deep and somewhat emotional…I get the sense that they’re tired of being what they are and living the lives they live. In the end they kind of just give into it and admit that they’re needed in NYC more as opposed to 16th century Japan…The movie also leaves you with questions that even humans face. Will they find love? Most likely not. Why would a human hook up with a turtle? Sad, isn’t it? Unless they mutated a girl turtle but they wouldn’t do that. So in the end they’re kind of stuck having to do what they do. I’m not even the emotional type but after all these years I’ve given it serious thought and it’s kind of sad. —osaji922
Sure, the surface of the 3 movies is incredible juvenile and immature, but they deal with some pretty heavy subjects. Raph is clearly someone who battles depression. They all deal with being outcasts. The Foot Clan deals with kids who are abandoned and unloved. The entire theme of III is about tradition vs modernism and the influence of colonialism.…it’s actually a depressing story because you realize that the Turtles will simply die alone in anonymity despite being saviors of the city. (though the anonymity is a bit off considering the whole Vanilla Ice scene in II and “Ninja Rap”) They will never know romantic love, nor will they ever be parents to another generation of TMNTs. They will merely age, lose their ability to perform ninja heroics and die alone as old Turtle-men reminiscing about the times they saved the city. —dan6pitcher
12. That Response to a Three-Page Back-and-Forth Thread about the Logistics of Arnold Schwarzenegger Providing Nutrients to his Unborn Baby sans Umbilical Cord in the Movie Junior
I love the movie junior and i also hate when people say some bad things about the movies that i like to watch. —Jeniachel
And that, my friends, which really sums up IMDb’s message boards.