EDIT: As if to spite us, shortly after the publishing of this little piece, The Emoji Movie gained its first positive review, moving the score up to a brawny 3% fresh.
Look folks, some things you just can’t see coming. Some events are beyond the capacities of the human race to predict. Who can say if you’ll be shocked when you stick a fork into an electrical outlet? Who can reasonably say that each successive year being the hottest ever recorded might have something to do with climate change? These mysteries are clearly not meant for man to understand.
Case in point: Who could possibly have predicted that The Emoji Movie, on the day of its release, would be able to brag of a perfectly catastrophic 0% score on internet review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes? Certainly not us—that’s not the kind of thing you would have heard us saying last week, or last month, or the first time we ever heard the concept. We thought the idea of a talking fecal emoticon was pure gold that couldn’t possibly fail.
Nevertheless, it would seem that those rascally film critics thought differently, alternatingly referring to the film in such colorful terms as “bad” and “really, really painfully bad.” Fronted by comedian T.J. Miller (whose misogynist attitude toward female comedians we recently lampooned) as a rebellious “Meh” emoji, the film also stars the vocal talents of a slew of unfortunate actors: Ana Faris, James Corden, Maya Rudolph, Sofia Vergara, Rob Riggle and even poor old Patrick Stewart as the aforementioned pile of human shit. Do you need help, Sir Patrick? Who made you sign on for The Emoji Movie?
Here are a few choice lines from reviews, as they continue to roll in:
“A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry.” – Charles Bramesco, The Guardian
“A soulless endeavor and a painful viewing experience. Your kids deserve better.” – Brian Orndorf, Blu-Ray.com
“As far as expanding on smartphone-related IP, this is an even weaker starting point than Sony Animation’s recent The Angry Birds Movie.” – Vadim Rizov, AV Club
“If only this smartphone-centric dud, so happy to hawk real-world apps to its audience, could have done the same in its release strategy – coming out via Snapchat, where it would vanish shortly after arrival. But even that wouldn’t be fast enough.” – John DeFore, Hollywood Reporter
“T.J. Miller’s ticket to oblivion.” – Roger Moore
Ouch, Roger. That seems a little personal, even to us. True, yes—but personal.
Keep an eye on The Emoji Movie’s score this weekend as it attempts the difficult feat of remaining at 0%. Can it accrue enough rotten reviews to become the highest-volume 0% rated film of all time? Only time can tell, but we like its chances.