Pump Me Up: A Tribute to Ridiculous and Magical Movie CPR
Photos via Netflix, Paramount Pictures
There are few things more annoying in the arena of film criticism than those who seek to critique movies by simply jumping on errors in how tasks are technically performed, savaging a film for the apparent ignorance of its characters in the “proper way” of doing things. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to be the guy in the theater loudly complaining about the way a sheepshank knot is actually tied, or insisting that “THE 1974 PONTIAC FIREBIRD DIDN’T HAVE THAT STYLE OF SPOILER UNTIL FIVE YEARS LATER.” This is an insufferable manner of would-be criticism, substituting the histrionic quibbles of a hobbyist in place of substantive debate on film; the type of armchair criticism that proliferates in the most anal retentive and self-aggrandizing corners of YouTube. We are allowed, however, to have our own little peccadillos when it comes to what personally annoys us when we’re watching movies, provided we’re able to compartmentalize that annoyance as “this trope bothers me,” rather than “it RUINED the film!” And I was reminded of that fact once again recently while reviewing Netflix’s trilogy of R.L. Stine Fear Street adaptations, in which not one but two of the installments fall back on one of cinema’s most well-worn contrivances: The limitless powers of movie CPR.
Truly, there is no malady so grave, nor corpse so thoroughly dead, that it can’t be brought back to life (and no worse for the wear) by someone determinedly pounding on your chest a few times. Movie CPR is the gift that just keeps on giving to screenwriters who want to dabble in near-death experiences and dramatic resurrections, always there to pull off feats that are beyond impossible in real life.
The first use of movie CPR in Fear Street Part 1: 1994 is actually on the pedestrian side, at least as far as the absurdism scale here is concerned. At the conclusion of that film (movie CPR almost always happens in the last 10 minutes), a character has willingly ingested large quantities of drugs in order to stop her own heart and magically thwart the film’s rampaging slasher killers, with the plan being that other drugs will then be used to “bring her back,” Flatliners style. Things don’t quite go according to plan, however, requiring the character’s girlfriend to resort to 20 seconds of movie CPR. A few compressions and a couple of rescue breaths later, the character is revived, no longer suffering from a drug overdose for reasons unknown. Regardless, this is quite a standard example of silly movie CPR.
Sequel Fear Street Part 2: 1978, on the other hand, propels this trope to gloriously stupid new heights, in a scene that deserves a permanent place in the pantheon of ridiculous movie CPR. Be aware, spoilers will necessarily follow.
Near the conclusion of 1978, two characters are fleeing the same slasher killers when both are ultimately caught and viciously attacked. Our viewpoint heroine reels as a 12-inch butcher’s knife is repeatedly plunged into her chest and side. She collapses to the ground as the killer triumphantly continues to ram the knife into her chest, over and over. Few slasher killings are so visually definitive—we have watched this young girl be stabbed to death. There’s no doubt to be had about her alive/dead status. The killer departs, victorious.
Never seen a girl so dead.
… and then her romantic interest shows up and performs CPR for a few seconds. And lo and behold, she awakens, apparently no longer in danger of re-dying from the massive stab wounds littered throughout her entire torso. Nor is she any worse for the wear—the same character, seen in 1994, shows no sign of physical trauma and apparently made a 100% recovery from having been stabbed to death in 1978, as she’s able to assist in physically vanquishing the bad guys once again in the third film’s conclusion.
Suffice to say, this is on another level even for bad movie CPR, which is typically reserved for people who have been, say, electrocuted, or drowned, or beaten. At least those are ailments that one typically associates with performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation, because they’re all cases where the heart is theoretically undamaged and primarily just needs help pumping blood through the body. Having a knife repeatedly plunged into the chest cavity—which is where your heart is located, FYI—is a rather less common scenario for recommended treatment being “pounding on the flayed chest.” You might as well go full Neo in The Matrix Reloaded at that point, sticking your hand directly into the person’s chest to massage the heart manually. The stab wounds are right there, after all—make yourself at home!
Although I don’t really think this should need to be said, here’s a reminder of the actual function of cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR), as opposed to the magical process that is CPR in cinema.
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