“We’re two 30-something executives living in the city with a sweet medium-sized, hypoallergenic dog,” begins this San Francisco Craigslist ad, and I suggest you bail out now, because if you read on, this will be the last moment when you are not consumed by blind fury. The two execs need a personal assistant, you see, and their demands will not just make you hate them, but also Silicon Valley, and San Francisco, and America, and humanity. It honestly might make you root for North Korea in the coming apocalypse.
I’m barely exaggerating. This is everything you hate about this kind of person, distilled into a really long Internet post. It is self-involved, it is condescending, it is entitled, it is demanding, it is outlandish. It’s like if someone made a TV show about the most annoying billionaires on Silicon Valley, but instead of a comedy, it was a worshipful Sorkin-esque drama. It is so bad that we are shoehorning it into the Politics section, because it clearly proves that our national experiment has been an utter failure. We cannot recover from this.
Someday, someone will make a movie of this post, and it will be called “American Hate Read.” Until then, here are the 30 most batshit parts of a really batshit post.
1. “Does the idea of helping us to go from zero to hero in all of the above areas make you smile OR cringe? For the cringers, feel free to exit now :) Good luck with your search! For the smilers, you’re making me so happy. I know that you’re going to help us so much.
This is how it begins, after a really unnecessarily long description of all the shit that’s gone to hell in their house because they work too hard (“picture frames hang on the wall with no photo inside”). And I dare you—I fucking dare you—to read this intro as anything but a line from the beginning of a horror movie, delivered with an eerily serene smile, children’s music tinkling out of a music box in the background. “I know you’re going to help us so much. I think with time, you’ll find that this job is truly…to die for.
2. “You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve.”
This is from the approximately 9,000-word description of the ideal applicant, and I have never seen a clearer indication that these are the kind of people who will scream at you if they find a bread crumb inside the toaster, and expect you to thank them for the constructive criticism.
“We are going to make outrageous demands of your time, and your life will be hell. We want to abuse you, emotionally and verbally, and you have to sit there and take it because we’re rich and you’re a piece of shit personal assistant.”
3. “You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.)”
“You will smile cheerfully when we have friends over and refer to you as ‘the help’. You will respond with gratitude to creative punishment.”
4. “You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)!”
“Like most Silicon Valley execs, a life spent staring at a computer has deprived us of the ability to understand all but the most blatant emotional cues. Please be the kind of person who broadcasts your feelings in the most overt way possible, or it will fly right over our heads. When you are sad, we ask that you rub your knuckles dramatically below your eyes while pouting and saying the words “boo hoo,” and when you make a joke, please wear a giant sombrero and ring a bell so that we may safely join you in your mirth.”
5. “You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story.”
“We want you to entertain us, but also have sex with us.”
6. “You take pride in how you look — whatever that “look” or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you’re “bohemian chic” but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re “cool hipster” but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)”
Honestly, up until this point, I could almost pass this ad off as being written by your generic rich anti-social weirdo. It wasn’t until this masterpiece of insanity that I realized we were dealing with a true Patrick Bateman type, if Patrick Bateman were a psychotic micro-manager instead of a serial killer. This was when it became apparent that we were dealing with a sociopathic control freak who will wait approximately one week before demanding to look into the PA’s bank account as part of a background check. This is when I understood that the house they live in has at least 15 nanny cams.
7. “Hours = Approximately 40 hrs/wk (mostly during the workweek)
Mon – Fri
- 10am – 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)
- 11am – 12pm = cleaning home (dishes, laundry, vacuum, dusting, wiping down countertops, clean up rare dog accident, etc.)
- 12pm – 1pm = improving look, ambiance & functionality of home (reorganizing cabinets, refreshing flowers, etc.)
- 1pm – 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)
- 3 pm – 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research, post on our social media for us, planning a trip, ordering things online, scheduling an appointment, organizing receipts & other bookkeeping, taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call, cooking us dinner, food prep for the dog, book us dinner reservations or schedule our “date nights”, etc.)
Sat or Sun
- Take the dog to the beach before dropping him off at the dog groomer for a wash and blow out
- Sometimes you may need to help us with something over the weekend”
Sorry to post that whole thing, but I just wanted to note that “40 hrs/wk” actually means “40 hrs/wk except when we need you to work 90 hrs/wk, which is always.” Now, let’s revisit some of those responsibilities in greater detail….
8. “10am – 11am = dog time (feeding, brushing, walking, washing, play with, teach tricks, take photos)”
There’s a 100% chance that every day when these maniacs come home, they will make the PA show them what new tricks the dog has learned. If the tricks aren’t satisfactory, that’s a loss of one hour’s pay and ten minutes in the “punishment circle.”
9. “1pm – 3pm = run errands (dry cleaning, tailor, groceries, clothes shopping, dog store, picking up Rx, stop by the office, etc.)”
It all seems semi-normal until “stop by the office.” Yup, you have to visit them at work! And if you don’t think that’s because they want to say, “oh, this is our personal assistant” as a humblebrag to all their co-workers (who fucking hate them, of course), then you are WRONG.
10. “3 pm – 6 pm = on your computer/phone (investment research)”
It’s not enough that you take obsessively take care of their entire household and sculpt their dog’s excrement into a miniature model of the Eiffel Tower, or whatever—you’re in charge of their finances now too. Hey, Craigslist! Any hedge fund managers out there who love their jobs, but also wish they were being abused for 90 hours every week by a pair of narcissists? Please apply!
11. “post on our social media for us”
There is one excuse for having somebody else post on your social media, and that excuse is, “I am a celebrity entertainer or athlete or politician.” Can you imagine the kind of nobodies who think their personal Facebook is so important that they actually hire someone to make fake posts? God, I hate them.
12. “taking notes while listening in on a meeting or call”
“You also have to do our day jobs.”
13. “schedule our ‘date nights’”
“The ideal candidate will study astrological charts to predict exactly when our mutual loathing is lowest, and we might be able to tolerate a night where we spend two hours complaining about a waiter, followed by the possibility of intercourse. On these occasions, we will need you to provide encouragement in the bedroom, as we both suffer from severe sexual insecurity and are prone to bouts of weeping. To us, intimacy is terror.”
14. “Sometimes you may need to help us with something over the weekend”
Yeah, but these people are so chill, I’m sure that almost never happens.
REQUIREMENTS: * Written and spoken English language FLUENCY
FLUENCY, folks! Which means NO ACCENTS! And NO GHETTO TRASH!
15. “Able to maintain strict confidentiality”
Why? You’ve already told us everything we need to know about you. If you’re worried that the PA is going to tell everyone how much you suck, don’t worry—everyone already knows.
16. No heavy drinkers (max of 5 drinks per week)
Yes, of course these people have an exact drink maximum. I really hope the person they eventually hire gets wasted in the house and pees in the fresh flowers.
17. Experience with GSuite, MSOffice, Adobe Suite
* Experience with MacOS and iOS (computer and phone will be provided)
* Touch typing 60+ WPM
I was half-joking before when I said they wanted the PA to take over their day jobs, but I’m becoming more and more convinced that this is exactly what they’ll be grooming him or her for. The ultimate goal here is for them to live in a Wall-E style bubble and just slowly die.
18. “Able to swim well in the ocean (dog likes swimming; you may need to get him when he goes out too far)”
Yup! Gotta be willing to risk drowning as you undertake daring ocean rescues, because our dog hates us so much that the minute it gets into open water, it makes a break for Europe.
19. “Able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog”
“Sacrifice your body for our pet. If you go too long without having your flesh torn off by another animal, you are not trying hard enough.”
20. “Willing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea”
“Hey, Sarah…sorry to confront you, but we were watching on nanny cam 7 the other day, and you seemed to show some faint disgust while picking up Elon’s poo. Please, never, ever do that again, as it lowers his self-esteem. I’m afraid I have to assess you 15 minutes in the punishment circle.”
21. “Experience with long hair in general (you have long hair and know how to brush tangled hair without causing pain)”
That’s right, you’re also their hair bitch.
22. “Enjoy giving manicures/pedicures”
I honestly can’t take this ad anymore. I can’t do it. These are the grossest human beings to ever walk the earth. I’M NOT TOUCHING YOUR FUCKING FEET! AAAAAAA!
23. “Prior experience reviewing and negotiating contracts
24. “Practiced in self defense or fighting styles (you can protect someone who is in danger)”
HAAAAA. You’re a bodyguard now, lucky applicant! But honestly, is it any surprise that other people are constantly trying to kill these two? I mean, if you knew them in person, wouldn’t you?
25. “You watch GoT and/or Silicon Valley”
These two shows are bad now.
26. “RULES TO APPLY: 1. Submit an email with the subject line: ”[INSERT YOUR FULL NAME] + [INSERT YOUR WORST QUALITY].” We’re confirming that you read the job description thoroughly, as well as breaking the ice by seeing if you’re aware of how you’re not perfect :p No one is so feel free to be candid :) If you don’t follow that formula for the subject line, your email won’t be opened.
Subject Line: “Shane Ryan + Often Makes Jokes That Are Too Subtle/Tortures Dogs”
27. “2. With your computer webcam or handheld smartphone, record and attach a 5 min video of you answering ALL of the following: What did you like about this posting?”
“Please flatter us.”
The hilarious thing about this is that NOBODY is going to follow all their directions, and they’re going to be totally disappointed and finally have to hire someone who obviously hates them, and it’s going to make their home lives even worse. I hope, anyway. That’s my happy ending here.
28. “Confirm if this posting applies to you 100%”
Let me save you the suspense—it doesn’t. Not for one single human in world history, ever. You know how you want someone who is an expert in labor contract negotiations, but also can assemble an aquarium? That alone reduced it to like 12 people worldwide, and none of them want to work for you. You are going to hire someone who claims to fit every single category, and then steals all your shit and/or poisons your food. Just resign yourself, weirdos.
29. WARNING: If you don’t follow #1 – 3 then you won’t be considered for an interview.