By now, you’ve probably heard that the marketing geniuses at the Democratic National Committee have emerged from days and weeks of planning with a nickname designed to devastate Republican nominee Donald Trump:
“Dangerous Donald”
Yup! That’s their nickname! That’s the one that will end his terrifying campaign once and for all and deliver the White House into the arms of Hillary Clinton. Almost immediately after making this decision, the (very pleased) DNC leaders began to spread the word:
Oh god, just got a bunch of DNC emails about “Dangerous Donald.” It’s really happening.
It goes without saying that this is the very worst idea in this entire election cycle—and that includes Ted Cruz’s decision to try to kiss his wife in public. I understand the motivation—Trump himself has done some solid work with degrading monikers, including “Little Marco” and “Lyin’ Ted” and “Disturbingly Vacant Behind the Eyes Ben” (may have made that last one up). But the key there is that he emphasizes a negative quality with his nicknames.
That’s where the Democrats went badly wrong. Seriously, what do Trump’s supporters think of him? They think he’s a badass who’s flipping the bird to the American political system—a system that they find corrupt, and that has let them down for years. So why in God’s name would you give him a nickname that emphasizes that roguish outsider quality? That’s called reinforcing his f***ing strength!
I mean, come on, we’ve all seen this cliche play out, right? A girl falls in love with a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, a real troublemaker, and her accountant dad lectures her and warns her that he’s no good. Does the old man’s lecture work? Hell no! She sneaks out the window and has a torrid affair with motorcycle dude, because it’s exciting and rebellious. Sure, she ends up pregnant or dead or something, but those consequences don’t enter into the equation—they just heighten the initial intrigue. So why why why why would the Democrats cast themselves as the disapproving stodgy dad? How is that meant to curb what is essentially an emotional appeal?
“Dangerous Donald” is so misguided that they might as well have gone all the way and chosen a nickname that was blatantly cool. At least then it might have thrown Trump’s supporters for a loop—wait, if dad says Dangerous Donald is okay, that must mean he’s not as great as I thought. Right?
Here are 50 of those nicknames, each of which would be better than the one they chose.
1. The Bad Boy of American Politics 2. The Renegade 3. The Virile Lion 4. The Rainmaker 5. King Midas II 6. Big Dong Donald 7. Dr. Orgasm 8. Leather 9. Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning 10. The Boss 11. Boss-man Donnie 12. The General 13. General-man Donnie 14. P.I.M.P. 15. Steph Curry 16. The Savior 17. Jesus 18. The Jesus Christ of Hating Immigrants 19. The Crusader 20. The Scourge of the Muslims 21. 9/11 Avenger 22. The Candidate Abraham Lincoln Would Have Just Fucking Loved 23. Orange Adonis 24. God 25. Zeus, but Without the Rape-y Stuff 26. Not Hitler 27. Mhysa 28. The Man with the Enormous Hands 29. Donnie Defense (Fuck you, Rumsfeld) 30. Donne Hollywood (Fuck you, Sutherland) 31. Donnie Baseball (Fuck You, Mattingly) 32. Donnie Numbers (Fuck you, legendary mathematician Donald Knuth) 33. Donnie Duck (Fuck you…Duck) 34. George Washington’s Wet Dream 35. American Banshee 36. Glory-Hair-Golden-Man 37. Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Best Friend 38. Ghost Writer of the Musical Hamilton 39. The Prophesied Combination of David Bowie and Prince 40. Stones 41. Stones-Man Donnie 42. El Caballo Naranja 43. The Stallion of the Heavens 44. Benghazi 45. Ole Stars and Bars 46. Ronald Reagan Jr. (Fuck you, actual Ronald Reagan Jr.) 47. Tremendous McHuge 48. The Iron Fist of the Heartland 49. Swaggrin’ D 50. Provably Not Hillary Clinton
