Here are 50 Trump Nicknames That Would Be More Effective Than the Democrats’ Pathetic “Dangerous Donald”

By now, you’ve probably heard that the marketing geniuses at the Democratic National Committee have emerged from days and weeks of planning with a nickname designed to devastate Republican nominee Donald Trump:

“Dangerous Donald”

Yup! That’s their nickname! That’s the one that will end his terrifying campaign once and for all and deliver the White House into the arms of Hillary Clinton. Almost immediately after making this decision, the (very pleased) DNC leaders began to spread the word:

Oh god, just got a bunch of DNC emails about “Dangerous Donald.” It’s really happening.

— Benjy Sarlin (@BenjySarlin) May 6, 2016

Democrats slap Trump with a nickname: Dangerous Donald.
That name is popping up over and over in conversations with top Dem operatives.

— Jennifer Jacobs (@JenniferJJacobs) May 5, 2016

It goes without saying that this is the very worst idea in this entire election cycle—and that includes Ted Cruz’s decision to try to kiss his wife in public. I understand the motivation—Trump himself has done some solid work with degrading monikers, including “Little Marco” and “Lyin’ Ted” and “Disturbingly Vacant Behind the Eyes Ben” (may have made that last one up). But the key there is that he emphasizes a negative quality with his nicknames.

That’s where the Democrats went badly wrong. Seriously, what do Trump’s supporters think of him? They think he’s a badass who’s flipping the bird to the American political system—a system that they find corrupt, and that has let them down for years. So why in God’s name would you give him a nickname that emphasizes that roguish outsider quality? That’s called reinforcing his f***ing strength!

I mean, come on, we’ve all seen this cliche play out, right? A girl falls in love with a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, a real troublemaker, and her accountant dad lectures her and warns her that he’s no good. Does the old man’s lecture work? Hell no! She sneaks out the window and has a torrid affair with motorcycle dude, because it’s exciting and rebellious. Sure, she ends up pregnant or dead or something, but those consequences don’t enter into the equation—they just heighten the initial intrigue. So why why why why would the Democrats cast themselves as the disapproving stodgy dad? How is that meant to curb what is essentially an emotional appeal?

“Dangerous Donald” is so misguided that they might as well have gone all the way and chosen a nickname that was blatantly cool. At least then it might have thrown Trump’s supporters for a loop—wait, if dad says Dangerous Donald is okay, that must mean he’s not as great as I thought. Right?

Here are 50 of those nicknames, each of which would be better than the one they chose.

1. The Bad Boy of American Politics
2. The Renegade
3. The Virile Lion
4. The Rainmaker
5. King Midas II
6. Big Dong Donald
7. Dr. Orgasm
8. Leather
9. Ser Arthur Dayne, the Sword of the Morning
10. The Boss
11. Boss-man Donnie
12. The General
13. General-man Donnie
14. P.I.M.P.
15. Steph Curry
16. The Savior
17. Jesus
18. The Jesus Christ of Hating Immigrants
19. The Crusader
20. The Scourge of the Muslims
21. 9/11 Avenger
22. The Candidate Abraham Lincoln Would Have Just Fucking Loved
23. Orange Adonis
24. God
25. Zeus, but Without the Rape-y Stuff
26. Not Hitler
27. Mhysa
28. The Man with the Enormous Hands
29. Donnie Defense (Fuck you, Rumsfeld)
30. Donne Hollywood (Fuck you, Sutherland)
31. Donnie Baseball (Fuck You, Mattingly)
32. Donnie Numbers (Fuck you, legendary mathematician Donald Knuth)
33. Donnie Duck (Fuck you…Duck)
34. George Washington’s Wet Dream
35. American Banshee
36. Glory-Hair-Golden-Man
37. Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Best Friend
38. Ghost Writer of the Musical Hamilton
39. The Prophesied Combination of David Bowie and Prince
40. Stones
41. Stones-Man Donnie
42. El Caballo Naranja
43. The Stallion of the Heavens
44. Benghazi
45. Ole Stars and Bars
46. Ronald Reagan Jr. (Fuck you, actual Ronald Reagan Jr.)
47. Tremendous McHuge
48. The Iron Fist of the Heartland
49. Swaggrin’ D
50. Provably Not Hillary Clinton

Please nobody show this list to the DNC.