Suit up, because this list is going to be LEGEN…wait for it…DARY.
1. “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and
green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”
2. “Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more
accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot
for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do
it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger!”
3. “It’s gonna be legend-… wait for it… and I hope
you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”
4. “Jesus waited threedays to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard he
died. They’d be all, “Hey Jesus, what up?” and Jesus would probably
be like, “What up? I died yesterday!”
and they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude…” and
then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a
miracle, and the dude’d be like “Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro…”
And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy, doing chores, workin’ the loom, trimmin’ the beard,
NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it’s Sunday, so
everyone’s in church already, and they’re all in there like “Oh no, Jesus
is dead”, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin’ up the aisle,
everyone’s totally psyched, and FYI, that’s when he invented the high five.
That’s why we wait three days to call a woman, because that’s how long Jesus
wants us to wait…. True story.”
5. “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is
a second awesome gland. True story.”
6. “God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk
much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”
7. “Oh right, because there can be too many of something
wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let’s not hit too many homers. Hey
Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America’s laughed
enough.”
8. “Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution?
Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.”
9. “Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial
equivalent of a baby’s smile.”
10. “Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on
top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”