“Uncool” isn’t a bad half-hour of TV, but it is the weakest episode of Married’s still-promising infancy. It’s disjointed and misleading, its themes are muddled and hackneyed and irrelevant to Lina’s half of the story.
A message about parents coming to grips with their uncoolness floats around, but never really coalesces in Russ’s half, which keys in on his and Bernie’s feeble attempts to collect payment from a “difficult” client, an evasive fraternity treasurer named Doogie. (We now know what Russ does—freelance graphic design—and this is why money is so tight.) You can probably guess how things go: Doogie and his frat brothers are misogynistic assholes; Russ and Bernie lament their status as “the old guys they used to make fun of,” and fail to intimidate Doogie into paying up. Ultimately, to be tough/cool, they have to not care about being tough/cool, as is the tough/cool way. (Shattering a window with a keg doesn’t hurt, either.)
This is a lesson that’s been handed down by television since the Days of the Fonz, and Married doesn’t put a fresh spin on the lecture, or the college setting. The frat boys are chugging one-dimensional dicks who use “skank” and “slut” as synonyms for “girl.” The old guys are awkward and out of touch, and find their chivalry misplaced on Greek Row. The most surprising thing about this story is Russ enlisting Angel, the waxer’s tattooed ex from the pilot, to be their muscle… only for Angel to hammer these kids with a speech about the dangers of alcohol abuse in lieu of his fists. During the big showdown, he bails to call his sponsor.
Angel and Bernie are the highlights of the episode (“It appears that Doogie has come on our face as well”). I love Angel scoffing at Russ’s orthodontist bill: “Five grand? What, are you getting braces for the whole family? You white people always pay too much for shit.” This little truth-seed grows into an epiphany for Russ. Ostensibly Russ learns that, as a dad, he doesn’t have to be cool—he screams as much at Doogie. But the most (or only) significant thing he learns in “Uncool” is that he can’t afford to pay white people prices anymore, because he’s a freelance artist with three kids, and a wife who works her ass off—but not in a way that nets checks.