The last time we looked at the greatest quotes from Ted Lasso, Barack Obama was President, and Coach Lasso only existed as a promo for NBC Sports’ brand-new rights to air English Premiere League matches in the United States. In 2013, Jason Sudeikis portrayed an American hired to coach Tottenham Hotspurs, alongside his trusty assistant Coach Beard (Brendan Hunt). Some of the quotes from Lasso 1.0 made it into the Apple+ TV series two administrations later, at least in spirit: “How many countries are in this country?” “I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside… It was the mob.” “Ties and no playoffs? Why do you even do this?”
But thankfully, Sudeikis and his fellow writers recognized the buffoon from the ads was too one-dimensional to carry a whole TV show on his back, and the world got its hero it didn’t know it needed in Lasso 2.0, the kind, emotionally intelligent coach of Richmond FC, along with a brilliant cast of characters surrounding him. He’s still the same fish out of water, but the wit is filled with much more wisdom this time around. Here are our favorite quotes from the first two seasons of Ted Lasso.
Best quotes from Coach Ted Lasso:
“You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. You know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam.”
“Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain’t nobody here gonna kiss their sister…which is an American phrase that I’m now realizing does not exist here, and that’s good, ‘cause it’s creepy, and I hate it myself; I don’t know why I said it.”
“I do love a locker room. It smells like potential.”
“Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.”
“If God would have wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn’t have invented numbers.”
“I promise you there is something worse out there than being sad, and that’s being alone and being sad. Ain’t no one in this room alone.”
“Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson—on a high!”
“You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.”
“If the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes it’s easier to speak our minds anonymously.”
“I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. It’s horrible. No, thank you.”
“Your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.”
“I haven’t seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.”
“It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.”
“So I’ve been hearing this phrase y’all got over here that I ain’t too crazy about. ‘It’s the hope that kills you.’ Y’all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it’s the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief.”
“Little tip for y’all. Fries are called chips. Chips are called crisps. And bangers aren’t great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing because they’re so darn tasty.”
“This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able take my eyes off of it either.”
“I think that you might be so sure that you’re one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there you’re just one in 11.”
“Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.”
“Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough and tumble playgrounds of Bookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fouch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no and get the hell out of there cause there’s a good chance that little son of a gun has pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper. No one ever saw him do it, but a couple people ate it. Number two, teacher tells a bully not to pick on someone, it’s just gonna make it worse.”
“Here’s an idea that’s gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot. Who needs a drink?”
“We all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that’s like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak. It don’t get nearly enough credit.”
“Takin’ on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse. If you’re comfortable while you’re doin’ it, you’re probably doin’ it wrong.”
“I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.”
“I think that if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothing you can’t get through together.”
“You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like ‘em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ‘em in one piece, you hear?”
“If y’all were really introverts, you would’ve been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won’t shut up.”
Best quotes from the rest of the cast:
Coach Beard: I’ve been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many.
Coach Beard: Oh what a lovely inscription… that you wrote completely over my head, face and body.
Keeley: “I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.”
Keeley: “Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fucking mistake. But you’ve really helped me to feel good about this decision just by… being you.”
Keeley: “This place is for rich twats who piss away all their money on an outfit they only wear once. But, Nate, today you are one of those twats.”
Keeley: “Roy, are you sure they still take paper tickets at airports? Like, is the plane gonna have propellers? Oh my God, am I gonna be able to smoke on the flight?”
Roy: “You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by fucking lightning. Don’t you dare settle for fine.”
Roy: “We lost. Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren’t allowed to do headers yet.”
Roy: “Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It’s bullshit. I didn’t need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is—they just want to feel like they’re part of our lives. Little idiots.”
Roy: “Does my face look like it’s in the mood for shape-based jokes?”
Roy: “Fuck!”
Rebecca: “I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear… Being alone. Big whoop.”
Rebecca: “Right, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I’m just gonna… get straight to the point. No faffing around, ’cause that’s just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating. Procrast… procrast… That’s a good word, isn’t it? Procrastinating. Pro… procrastinating. Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is. Obviously, ‘pro,’ very good, but ‘crast?’ Crast… I have no idea. Hey! Why don’t we look it up?”
Rebecca: “You’re nearly 70, and you’re having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fu#king Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you’ll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.
Sam: “Oh, God. I’m very nervous. But also very excited. That’s similar to whenever Colin drives me somewhere in his Lamborghini.”
Sam: “I like the idea of someone becoming rich, because of what they gave to the world. Not just because of who their family is.”
Jamie: “Coach, I’m me. Why would I want to be anything else?”
Jamie: “Old people are so wise. They’re like tall Yodas.”
Jamie: “The email said ‘Secret Santa.’ I didn’t wanna ruin the surprise, did I?”
Nate: “I’d like to be reincarnated as a tiger… and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.”
Nate: “You’re constantly getting beat on the wings. It’s ’cause you’re indecisive. You second-guess more than a shitty psychic. The only African I know more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.”
Nate: “The great Roy Kent. You’re old now. And slow. And your focus drifts. But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are. It’s your anger. That’s your superpower. That’s what made you one of the best midfielders in the history of this league. But I haven’t seen it on the pitch at all this season, Roy. I mean, you used to run like you were angry at the grass. You’d kick the ball like you’d caught it fu$king your wife, for Christ’s sake. But that anger doesn’t come out anymore when you play. But it’s still in there. And I’m afraid of what it’s gonna do to you if you just keep it all for yourself.”
Higgins: “Oh, no, no, no, no. I have five boys. I never look over anyone’s shoulders to see what’s on their screens. I used to.”
Higgins: “This is my cat’s collar. She was a faithful companion for 20 years. Gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford.”
Higgins: “I should go. I promised the boys we’d watch Empire Strikes Back tonight, and I have to get my thoughts together for when they ask about Luke and Leia making out.”
Dani: “I don’t drink coffee. My mother always says I was born caffeinated.”
Dani: I like to give away joy for free.
Dani: “Football is life!”
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