Our favorite vampire-driven supernatural drama has returned to HBO, and with it comes all the bizarre and unpredictable moments we could ever ask for. But even for a show that requires complete suspension of disbelief, things sometimes get pretty freaky.
We’ve compiled 11 moments from the past four seasons that are so insane, repulsive and downright out there that all we can do is shout “WTF!” and frantically turn up the volume.
Season 1, Episode 4: Escape From Dragon House
Up until this point, Sam Merlotte was portrayed as a friendly, well-meaning fellow with a major crush on Sookie. Okay, maybe we caught a little whiff of shady doings, but in a town overrun with vampires and lady-killers, who doesn’t have secrets? Still, as we watch him creep into the bed of one of his freshly murdered waitresses while sniffing deeply, things start to get a little weird. What is it, boy? Do you smell the killer? Can you tell whe—oh, nope, you’re just rolling around in dead girl sheets, aren’t you? This is uncomfortable.
Season 4, Episode 4: I’m Alive and On Fire
What’s that True Blood fans? You’d like a little incest? Alright, let’s have Portia Bellefleur hook up with vampire Bill, who as it turns out is her great-great-blood relation. Don’t worry. Portia doesn’t mind.
Season 4, Episode 12: And When I Die
The Season 4 finale carries True Blood’s highest body count to date, with important characters just dying all over the damn place. Most shocking of all, however, were the final two minutes. A crazed, shotgun-toting Debbie breaks into Sookie’s house, and just before she can blow that pretty blonde head off, Tara flings herself in the middle. The results aren’t great for the True Blood vet, who hits the ground minus half of her head. Those writers aren’t screwing around anymore.
Season 3, Episode 3: It Hurts Me Too
True Blood isn’t shy when it comes to sex, and several seasons full of the freakiest “gettin’ it on” this side of HBO are there to prove it. But nothing comes close, or will ever (we hope) come close to the scary hate-sex between Bill and Lorena in Season 3. After Lorena emotionally breaks Bill down, he responds by declaring his all-consuming hatred for her and initiating the most terrifying slap-and-tickle TV has ever seen. Bill twists Lorena’s head—slowly, we might add!—a full 180 degrees. And she’s down with it.
Season 2, Multiple Episodes
We’re just going to call it as it is: Season 2 is the orgy season. Maryann the Maenad runs rampant in this story arc and leaves a trail of sexual ick everywhere she goes. While under her spell, the townsfolk resort to their baser instincts, including violence and, what else, group sex. Still, it’s not nearly as bad as some of her other tricks, which leads us to…
Season 2, Episode 4: Timebomb
Maenad-controlled Tara and Eggs feast on a human heart. Om nom nom no thanks.
Season 4, Episode 3: If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?
The introduction of werepanthers into True Blood’s supernatural cesspool was memorable for several reasons. First, despite having such a badass ability, every panther is methed-up white trash. Second, they’re having trouble breeding. And third, their solution is to try and turn Jason Stackhouse into one of them, and then repeatedly rape him. Although the series continued on as though this never happened (with Jason bouncing back surprisingly well), audiences will never forget this traumatic occurrence.
Season 3, Episode 6: I Got a Right to Sing the Blues
Don’t get us wrong: we have no sympathy for Franklin, the crazier-than-this-show vamp who kidnaps, sexually violates and ultimately tries to turn Tara. By all means, let’s get this guy in line for the true death. It’s not the manner of Tara’s revenge, but the sheer gore of it all, which is gruesome even by TB’s standards. Mace, meet Franklin’s face. Franklin’s face, prepare to look like a ketchup-drenched boiled potato.
Season 3, Episode 9: Everything is Broken
We interrupt your nightly news to bring you this (spine) breaking report. Russell Edgington had already established himself as True Blood’s greatest villain in our minds, but his Mortal Kombat-style fatality sealed the deal. His vicious, yet mercifully quick murder of a newscaster on air is a WTF moment for sure, but a delicious one. We’d let you eat our children, Mr. Edgington.
Season 4, Episode 8: Spellbound
Season 4 shook things up with everyone’s favorite bad boy Eric Northman. After memory loss at the hands of a powerful witch, Eric makes his way into Sookie’s care—and her bed. And though we all saw this coming, it’s doubtful that anyone could have predicted the vamped-out hallucination sex the two would embark upon for the majority of the episode. Nevermind that every other character in this episode at least has something meaningful to contribute in order to move the plot forward; Sookie and Eric are satisfying the fan-fic penning dreams of lonely older women everywhere—in imaginary snow, no less.
Season 3, Episode 10: I Smell a Rat
Three years were spent hinting at Sookie’s supernatural origins, and fans finally learned the truth as the season drew to a close. But though the True Blood universe is filled with a ton of cool supernatural beasties, our heroine is revealed to be the lamest of them all. Sookie is a fairy? Oh, COME ON.