The Funniest Tweets of the Week

The week is over, long live the week. A few highlights: Elon Musk going bananas over the free press, Grimes aiding and abetting Elon Musk going bananas over the free press, a baboon running amok in an airport, a bunch of tech companies updating their privacy policies, Barack and Michelle Obama signing a multi-million dollar Netflix deal, a whole bunch of jokes about Solo. Wow! What a week! Maybe this week will be the week where things finally turn around. Or maybe not! As Solo says in Solo, “I’ve got a good feeling about this.” I haven’t seen the movie yet so I don’t know if events bear out his good feeling, please do not @ me.

pic.twitter.com/YzmOEgSWFj

— Rian Johnson (@rianjohnson) May 24, 2018

Little bit about me… I’m constantly all like, “your secret is safe with me” then I go right to the police!!

— John Reynolds (@JohnReynoldss) May 25, 2018

Mr Bean is an idiot.

— Ben Jenkins (@bencjenkins) May 27, 2018

I think they should have a 12-digit code, and implant each digit in a different volunteer. Also, all the volunteers are cowards, and they all panic and try to fight off the president. Also, they’re all champion swordsmen, so the president has to be an even better swordsman. https://t.co/YiUz3rb3c2

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— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) May 28, 2018

stupidest assholes ranked:

1.) person who stands up as soon as the plane pulls up to the terminal

2.) person who drives 10 under in the left lane

3.) me

4.) person who claps after a movie

— ryan (@ryanyeetz) May 25, 2018

pic.twitter.com/67Uw7QcxPQ

— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) May 25, 2018

i’m at the microblogging website
i’m at the fiery, black pit of hell
i’m at the combination microblogging website & fiery black pit of hell

— isaiah breen (@isi_kbreen) May 26, 2018

I spent 10 hours editing a 6-second meme. pic.twitter.com/8TTCzu4Bmj

— Puppet (@PuppetMasterIX) May 25, 2018

By age 35, you should have everything under control. Situation normal.
Uh… had a slight weapons malfunction. But, uh, everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here, now, thank you. How are you? pic.twitter.com/U4nXZqM05w

— Tom Taylor (@TomTaylorMade) May 25, 2018

Steven Spielberg should make a Star Wars movie about that big fuckin space worm. I’ll see that shit I don’t care. How did the worm get so big

— Track Suit Eliot (@alexqarbuckle) May 25, 2018

here’s some pics of my moms cat trying to escape her house pic.twitter.com/QXAqtDiueb

— dave (@soft_btw) May 24, 2018

em dash: perfect, versatile, only good thing about writing
en dash: an abomination, disgusting, useless, a joke

— Alex Press (@alexnpress) May 24, 2018

(HBO pitch meeting)

Producer: So basically the show is about a bunch of robot cowboys that fuck and fight each other

HBO Executive: Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun!

Producer: It won’t be!

— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) May 23, 2018

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Alright, I got my billion dollars, my girlfriend is one of the coolest art-pop performers alive, and my solid gold private Space Shuttle I only use for sex tourism is almost out of the shop. Time to… constantly shitpost on Twitter?

— Kaleb Horton (@kalebhorton) May 23, 2018

Please, call me by my birth name, pic.twitter.com/Mu8NsfIcuN

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 23, 2018

Let those of you who haven’t tarnished your gf’s reputation by obliging her to defend your questionable labor practices and then directed your anger from that episode at the media for poking holes in your heroic self-conception, cast the first stone against him.

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) May 23, 2018

groot turns to the camera; “i am…..queens boulevard?”

— patrick gray (@patrckgray) May 23, 2018

“It’s a comedy but you’re never going to laugh, not once ever. And uh, YA, it’ll be bad.” -white guy who will be given 30 million dollars to make his TV show

— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) May 23, 2018

We are truly living in a golden age of sinkholes

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) May 22, 2018

Rocking out to my favorite tunes pic.twitter.com/j1fW1sFqYo

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) May 22, 2018

“my boyfriend’s not a cyberpunk villain and I’ll prove it during the promotional tour for my next album” is, to be fair, incredibly 2018

— alex hern (@alexhern) May 22, 2018

One of the most iconic moments in cinema history pic.twitter.com/6ygTbEcRLt

— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) May 22, 2018

Sully has weighed in on the escaped airport ape: pic.twitter.com/T8NhTxvT1i

— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 21, 2018

The political alignments of Mario characters pic.twitter.com/pcQttdiw4v

— Art House Politics (@ArtHousePtx) April 4, 2018

I always say – if you want to make it in entertainment, you need to be ready to work for a decade to break in (of course its best if 8 of the years of that decade are spent being president)

— therm scissorpunch (@jackallisonLOL) May 21, 2018

Caitlin: Thanks for hopping on the phone. There’s so, so much great stuff here.
Jason: I’m having so, so much fun in this world.
Caitlin: We are wondering if we can get the story started faster—-
Barack: Totally, totally.
Michelle: Makes perfect sense, Caitlin! https://t.co/N6z7EzJhOT

— Matt Hubbard (@mrhubbard00) May 21, 2018

im president barack obama and this is jackass https://t.co/5k9sI8R6YX

— bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) May 21, 2018

I mean you pretty much got it pic.twitter.com/JvANqiMYrT

— calvin lord (@calvinthelord) May 21, 2018