Everybody Wants to Be Italian

Release Date: Sept. 5
Jake Bianski (Jay Jablonski) is hopelessly in love with his ex-girlfriend from an unrealistically long eight years ago.She’s moved on, with a husband and three children, but still he obsesses over her while she fails to remember about the existence of restraining orders.After his friends have finally had enough of his ridiculousness, they set him up with Marisa (Cerina Vincent), and the two very slowly begin dating.This happens just in time for his ex to suddenly decide she does love him, mostly because otherwise Everybody Wants to Be Italian’s plot would be too thin, even for a cheaply made romantic comedy.

Director/Writer: Jason Todd Ipson

Cinematographer: Michael Fimognari

Starring: Jay Jablonski, Cerina Vincent, John Kapelos

Studio/Run Time: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer , 105 mins.

The film’s gimmick is that both Jake and Marisa are pretending to be Italian because they meet at an Italian singles-club party.But rather than acting as a metaphor for how both parties are lying to each other, this subplot is fairly innocuous and mostly there just for some cheap jokes about Italians and stereotypes.If the whole Italian business was removed, the film would be just the same, only a little bit less grating and offensive.

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But what ultimately makes Everybody Wants to Be Italian painful is its characters.Jake is not just psychotic, as noted in the film, but also a huge jerk.He mistreats both women in his life and their attraction to him seems merely physical.Jablonski gives him a certain level of charisma, but even the film’s best moments come crashing down because of his obvious acting.Not that this problem is localized to him, though, as director Jason Todd Ipson managed to illicit self-conscious performances from everyone.Marisa is almost as difficult to watch as Jake, and forms the other half of their relationship based entirely on physical attraction rather than chemistry.

The film is a reminder why romantic comedies have died off so much in recent years.But it can be done; Italian just lacks the fundamental elements of the genre.The film’s romantic half is tiresome and unrealistic while its comedic half consists of little more than poor observations about Italians.Together, the two are linked by aching montages set to sad indie music, all of which combines into one of the most dull and predictable pictures of the year.