Is your bed just a pile of rats under a sweater? No problem! There are tons of ways to seem like a functioning adult with acceptable sleeping quarters. Especially if you live in Los Angeles. Look out the window! There are like 5 beds in the street.
1. Turn the lights down low, light a few candles, and make a big pile out of all your hoodies.
As a comedian, you’ve still got plenty of hoodies from when they were cool, from various cancelled TV shows you’ve PA’d on, or for when you get your period. Maybe one of them still has weed in it? Only one way to find out!
2. Stick a drawing of a bed in your window.
When your date tries to go inside, ask if they want to go to Applebee’s. Everyone loves Applebee’s! PRO TIP: Pick an Applebee’s that is near where they (and their real bed) live. DOUBLE PRO TIP: Find it with the APP-lebees!
3. Use your improv skills to create the illusion of a bed frame.
Really get into it: don’t just call it a mattress, call it a “Serta.” Bounce your hand up and down in midair, as if you’re really showing your date how comfortable and real it is. They’ll respect your space work! Improv skills are hard to come by in New York or LA. It’s not like they just let anyone take classes. Just TRY to get someone to tell you a story about improv class. See? You can’t do it.
4. Sell your date on the health & wellness benefits of sleeping on a hardwood floor.
It straightens your spine…keeps you humble…your body stays nice and cold…the dust inhalation desensitizes you to mold…the joint pain allows you to empathize with the elderly… you can REALLY hear the neighbors fight about their kid’s Montessori school…it’s like paleo sleeping!
5. Hire Kevin Nealon to curl up in a fetal position and say “Bed” over and over.
Photo by Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images
He’ll do it. He’s up for anything. Even Xarelto! ESPECIALLY Xarelto. Screw Warfarin. Anyway, Kevin Nealon was an underrated Weekend Update host. Will he make an underrated fake bed? Let your date decide, as you awkwardly make out atop the Weeds fan favorite.
6. Say you’re from New Zealand and they don’t have mattresses there.
They’ll believe you. Nobody knows anything about New Zealand. Nobody gives a fuck. They’re douchebags. They’re Australia’s wallet chain. Honestly, we really do hate them. Go fuck yourselves with your “We have no native mammals” bullshit, New Zealand; seals ARE mammals. Real talk: you could replace Rhys Darby with an orange “Halloween Sounds” cd and no one would notice. Oh, is a “Rhys Darby” reference too “inside”? GUESS WHAT: ALL NEW ZEALANDERS ARE. We would LOVE it if they died. What were we talking about again?
7. Pile up all your stuffed Tribbles.
We know you have stuffed tribbles. Everyone does! Get enough of them together and you have a semi-passable bed. Quit acting like you don’t have them. You bought them from David Gerrold’s booth at Long Beach Comic Con. He’s the guy who wrote the episode. Why are you reading this when you could be piling up your tribbles? There’ll be no trouble with THIS bed substitute!
8. Say you’re the opposite of The Princess & The Pea and you feel nothing beneath a mattress.
In fact, you can’t even feel a mattress. He’ll be so impressed with your low maintenance-ness he’ll drag you behind Del Taco to dumpster bang. Yay! See? You CAN get laid without a bed!
Hana Michels and Asterios Kokkinos are comedians in Los Angeles.