Nintendo recently announced that their latest Zelda game, Hyrule Warriors Legends for the 3DS, will feature the choice between a male or female Link (who will be called Linkle)! According to redditors, this is the literal end of the male race. But will Female Link really be all that different from normal Lin- we mean, Male Link? Here’s our take:
1. The Master Sword will be renamed…The Mistress Sword! It’s the same exact sword, but it sounds so much kinkier for some reason.
2. Female Link’s weapons will be 10% more expensive…because they’re pink! That’s how you know that bomb is for ladies. It’s pink. Can you imagine a lady using a regular black bomb? She wouldn’t know how! And those unscented boomerangs…how is Female Link supposed to throw a boomerang that doesn’t smell like cucumber melon?
3. Female Link will be really into crystals for some reason.
4. Conversely, Male Link will get all his anecdotes from reddit. Ugh. Neither of these Links are winners.
5. Female Link will text Male Link, like, 30 times a day asking weird questions about the hookshot instead of just googling, “How does the hookshot work?”
6. Female Link will get WAY more texts from Ganondorf saying, “send me nudes hah hah j/k but srsly if u want send.” Act like you’ve been there before, Ganondorf.
7. Male Link will text you “K,” then goes silent for 5 days. Female Link would NEVER be this cruel.
8. Female Link will ask all sorts of unnecessary questions during movies. We don’t know who the murderer is either, Female Link! You didn’t miss anything! Just wait for the movie to unfold! Also, the murderer is clearly Kevin.
9. In one dungeon, Female Link will discover she gets WAY more responses to job openings when she writes “Male Link” on her resume. Suddenly people are evaluating Female Link on her potential to defeat Octoroks rather than her gender! Quickly, to The Huffington Post!
10. Female Link’s nipples will be banned from Instagram, but Male Link’s WON’T? C’mon, it’s 2016, Instagram. And seriously, we’ve all seen Male Link’s nipples, right? Be honest here, folks. You’ve seen Male Link’s nipples. He texts them to everyone.
11. Female Link will be really into drag queens. Male Link just won’t get it. Why are they so popular? This is just like when Glee happened.
12. Female Link could go to the hospital and be like “I’ve been stabbed!” and they’d be like, “Are you sure this isn’t an emotional issue? When was your last period?” Also, while we’re on the subject, Female Link will spend a ton of rupees on tampons. Why are they taxed so heavily? Who made this game? What do they have against Ladyblood Johnson? (That’s what Female Link calls her period.)
13. Navi wouldn’t have had to say ‘Hey! Listen!’ a bunch of times. Female Link remembers everything about Navi, from her favorite flower to what time she gets off work (never o’clock!) And Female Link won’t shout unhelpful solutions to Navi’s problems just so she’ll shut up. Lady Link will know Navi can fix these problems herself and just wants a sympathetic ear. Female Link is always up for Navi’s stupid bullshit! Quickly, to the bathroom!
Well, we hope you all learned a little something about gender equality from this article. And that lesson is…uh…
OK, what is the lesson here. I guess men…women and men should…should be…better at…being…good?
Oh, hey, look over there! Donald Trump just said something offensive! Let’s get him! Yeah…we’re really changing things…
Hana Michels and Asterios Kokkinos are comedians in Los Angeles.