Dating in Los Angeles is a super fun way to find out your value as a human being. It’s also a great way to judge the value of others! Here is a list of the quirky “human beings” you will date in Los Angeles.
Even in the best relationships, this person will say “I love you” but will always follow with “But I have to take this.” Yeah, we get it, you’re important and we can’t go two minutes without hearing your Bruno Mars ringtone or sword-slash sound effect text notification. Also, you somehow, for some reason, still have a Blackberry along with your Samsung Galaxy. I mean, the screeners are great and dinner is fucktastic wow, but you’re just trying to buy us. It’ll work, don’t get us wrong, but it’ll only work for so long.
“Oh, I worked with him!” “Yeah, her cousin is an EP, I hang with her.” “Think your friend would look over this script over coffee?” This person is always on, always hustling, although not to get in your pants. They just can’t turn off the part of their brain that tries to know who you know or partake in what you do in order to further their own agenda. It’s usually not malicious. It’s usually not intentional. It’s essentially a business meeting where both entities see the benefits of a collaboration, which sometimes ends with fucking. You know, a marriage.
She’s quirky, creative and definitely needs help. You’ll find her mental illness charming for three months because even though you’re in your late-20s you still believe in the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. After the three month grace period, you’ll resent the fuck out of her for “tricking” you into falling in love with a mentally ill person. But she didn’t trick you. You just passed by every red flag with a giant shit-eating grin because she’s just so clever and cute. Next time, just watch Garden State and get it out of your system.
Who’s up for an early morning dirt run? Not sane people! But definitely this person. You can’t say they didn’t warn you they were a hiker because hiking was in literally all of their dating profile photos. Seriously, every Instagram selfie has dirt, trees, a Nalgene water bottle, and a post about Clif bars. I mean, you’ll try it because walking in the woods every so often sounds fun, but the goddamn heat, the prep, and hundreds of others walking the trail? Just… just, gluh. After the third week in the row of “oh… this again,” you’ll break up with the Fucking Hiker and sell your CamelBak backpack on eBay for pizza money.
Oh, honnnnnneeeyyyyyyyyy. You’re adorable, aren’t you? You are the nicest, sweetest, most supportive person we have ever ran across. And you’re legit nice, which makes this even sadder. You’re a puppy dog and everyone loves a puppy dog. They’re just never in love with a puppy dog.
You’re attractive, but not hot. You’re determined, but not passionate. You’re great, but not amazing. Because you’re just short of our delusional standards and just don’t “feel” right, we’ll hold out for something better. This town is going to chew all the flavor out of you, step on you, scrape you off it’s foot, and leave you on a bus station bench. It’s sad because you deserve better. It’s sadder because we didn’t deserve you. It’s saddest because this is still about us, not you.
They helped you out during your worst moments and this is what they get? Your first spouse moved to LA for you with $100 in their pocket and a Red Hot Chili Peppers playlist in their heart, and you just up and abandoned them? I mean,they took the shit jobs so you could “find yourself,” “live your truth,” and “achieve your dreams.” They loved you fifty times more than you ever loved them. They fucked you when you were sad and no one. They woke up and you’re still dreaming. God, you hate them so much! Mostly because they remind you of what kind of monster you could become.
This is what binds Los Angelinos together. We have all dated Angelyne. Every single one of us. We have all taken a ride in the pink corvette. It’s in the city’s charter. Angelyne is a generous soul. Every Angelino is an Angelyno.
If this person describes themselves as a “prankster,” run. The words “YouTube Prankster” are a license to commit atrocities against strangers. Otherwise, this person probably just writes bad but “relatable” material with tenuous excuses to include hot ladies wiggling their butts. This person only raised enough money on their Patreon to take you out on a matinee movie, but on the plus side you got some free nerd stuff when they did that unboxing video for Lootcrate.
Cut them a break, they just moved here…nine months ago! This person is like a curse from the non-union horror movies they keep auditioning for. Hook up and you will be doomed to house this person until you finally get them to hook up with someone else. Actually, this whole scenario sounds like a plot to a non-union horror movie.
They are super well established in the industry and kind to you…but…something’s off? Yep. This person studied Freud exclusively to fuck you. Hooray! P.S. Just like dad, he will make promises he won’t keep. Don’t sleep with him until after you get that role.
Hana Michels is one of the authors of this piece. Do not date her unless you want to hear it read aloud. Erik Barnes is okay, we guess. He doesn’t know. Date him or not, he’ll still feel empty.
Hana Michels is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Erik W. Barnes is a comedian, writer, actor, and aspiring riverboat gambler.