Dating in Los Angeles is a super fun way to find out your value as a human being. It’s also a great way to judge the value of others! Here is a list of the quirky “human beings” you will date in Los Angeles.
The Producer Who Doesn’t Put Down His Phone To Meet You
Even in the best relationships, this person will say “I love you” but will always follow with “But I have to take this.” Yeah, we get it, you’re important and we can’t go two minutes without hearing your Bruno Mars ringtone or sword-slash sound effect text notification. Also, you somehow, for some reason, still have a Blackberry along with your Samsung Galaxy. I mean, the screeners are great and dinner is fucktastic wow, but you’re just trying to buy us. It’ll work, don’t get us wrong, but it’ll only work for so long.
The Networker
“Oh, I worked with him!” “Yeah, her cousin is an EP, I hang with her.” “Think your friend would look over this script over coffee?” This person is always on, always hustling, although not to get in your pants. They just can’t turn off the part of their brain that tries to know who you know or partake in what you do in order to further their own agenda. It’s usually not malicious. It’s usually not intentional. It’s essentially a business meeting where both entities see the benefits of a collaboration, which sometimes ends with fucking. You know, a marriage.
The Ingenue Who Actually Just Needs Mental Help
She’s quirky, creative and definitely needs help. You’ll find her mental illness charming for three months because even though you’re in your late-20s you still believe in the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. After the three month grace period, you’ll resent the fuck out of her for “tricking” you into falling in love with a mentally ill person. But she didn’t trick you. You just passed by every red flag with a giant shit-eating grin because she’s just so clever and cute. Next time, just watch Garden State and get it out of your system.
The Fucking Hiker
Who’s up for an early morning dirt run? Not sane people! But definitely this person. You can’t say they didn’t warn you they were a hiker because hiking was in literally all of their dating profile photos. Seriously, every Instagram selfie has dirt, trees, a Nalgene water bottle, and a post about Clif bars. I mean, you’ll try it because walking in the woods every so often sounds fun, but the goddamn heat, the prep, and hundreds of others walking the trail? Just… just, gluh. After the third week in the row of “oh… this again,” you’ll break up with the Fucking Hiker and sell your CamelBak backpack on eBay for pizza money.
Good Natured Midwesterner That Will Die Alone
Oh, honnnnnneeeyyyyyyyyy. You’re adorable, aren’t you? You are the nicest, sweetest, most supportive person we have ever ran across. And you’re legit nice, which makes this even sadder. You’re a puppy dog and everyone loves a puppy dog. They’re just never in love with a puppy dog.
You’re attractive, but not hot. You’re determined, but not passionate. You’re great, but not amazing. Because you’re just short of our delusional standards and just don’t “feel” right, we’ll hold out for something better. This town is going to chew all the flavor out of you, step on you, scrape you off it’s foot, and leave you on a bus station bench. It’s sad because you deserve better. It’s sadder because we didn’t deserve you. It’s saddest because this is still about us, not you.