Exciting New Job Opportunities at Facebook, Probably!

After Facebook Live’s first broadcasted murder surfaced earlier this month—never forget your first time—the Silicon Valley monolith has taken it upon itself to hire three thousand new employees to monitor livestreams to avoid future disasters. That’s not the only new precautionary division in the works, though, and we were given a first look at what job applications we can expect to see popping up on Craigslist and flagpoles in the next several weeks.

That’s how Facebook recruits people, right?

Embarrassing Content Manager

After the sudden, shocking realization that the shitty art they insist on posting on their Facebook profiles is actually profoundly bad, contrived and boring, a new team is being contacted to suspend users who are bumming out other Facebook members with their garbage hobbies and dreams. The ideal candidate will have already failed at their own fond endeavors (ex. folk music, developing an app for pirating a single episode of Frasier and nothing else, being a good parent) and will be eager to tear down the ambitions of others.

Candidate must be capable of developing a software that flags shitty art to Facebook users, preferably with large, glittery text reading “Look At This Tryhard Asshole! Booo! Boring!” and a sound effect that layers an air horn with a stadium full of cruelly laughing children. Preferably clinically depressed, resigned to a life of punching down.

Mental Health Quality Analyst; Tagged Photos Division

A new position designed for a logistically-minded candidate with compassion for emotionally vulnerable Facebook users with a surplus of time. Position involves monitoring which Facebook users have crushes that, if we’re being honest, don’t have a fucking chance of panning out, and identifying the inevitable moment when the user in question mistakenly likes a picture tagged more than five years ago of the object of their affections. Candidate must then immediately call a 51/50 on Facebook user, ensuring they are institutionalized for no less than six months, or at least until the object of their affections begins dating someone better-looking than the hospitalized users.

Candidate must not tell public hospitals Facebook is doing this, must have proof of being sexually rejected by at least five people or animals with embarrassing lifestyles or professions (ex. magicians, anything in finance) as evidence that they can identify a lost cause.

Emerging “Reactions” Developer

This new position is designed for those on the cutting edge of overly specific emotions shared between users. Should be able to identify when a Facebook user is merely interacting with a fellow user’s post because they are not trying to seem jealous, are trying to fuck, merely want attention or some sinister combination of the three. Some recent reactions developed by this department include:

“I am glad that you’re happy and seem to have found new purpose in life since abandoning improv comedy after seven years and $8,000 in class fees but Jesus, Mike, your child is so fucking ugly,” “foot,” “not liking because I read it, liking because a lot of other people did and I refuse to be forgotten,” “I don’t know if you’re seeing someone right now but I miss you and I hope things work out,” “it seems like you’ve put enthusiasm for a band/television program/cause where a personality should go but hey who am I to judge,” “I am better than you, I have always been better than you,” “I need you to know I exist but if we ever make eye contact I’ll burst through a glass door because I do not know how to talk to people,” “Robert Durst is innocent,” “Robert Durst is not related to Fred Durst and if you’re trying to make a joke it’s not fucking funny,” “baby deer.”

Candidate should be afraid to reveal their true emotions to others but relish in the true, dark intentions of their fellow man being revealed. Bachelor’s degree and criminal record preferred.

Ghost Risk Analyst

As with most highly successful Silicon Valley startups, the Facebook offices are at constant risk of infiltration by sneaky, technically competent ghosts. This new division will be tasked with identifying ghosts who have created fake profiles and assigned themselves as the legacy contact of unsuspecting Facebook users, murder the users in question using a series of hilarious and deadly booby traps, then mess with the deceased’s profiles in order to share content from their own ghost humor-oriented meme pages. It’s a disgusting thing to be happening on the world wide web, and the ideal person for the job will require a strong stomach to persecute these goofy, goofy ghosts.

Candidate should have seen every episode of Ghost Hunters, that show rules.

Insurance Scam Prank Risk Analyst

Another new branch of the legacy division, prompted by the looming possibility of people faking their own death on Facebook via the legacy application either to obtain insurance money or for the purposes of a hilarious cable prank show. Candidate will monitor the use of the legacy application for foul play, but executives have specified that the job will center on trying to figure out if someone has faked their own death and the death of their entire college sorority so no one is expecting an incredible flash mob at their graduation in the middle of a moving eulogy in their honor. Because there is no evidence that this has ever happened or will, it’s likely that the executive in question is trying to convince his daughter’s sorority to do so for that new show on MTV2 hosted by the cast member of That 70’s Show with the tiny head and the bad attitude, I forget his name.

Willingness to be lenient to hot sorority women preferred.

Mark Zuckerberg Baby Puppeteer

One of Facebook’s best-kept and best-loved secrets is that Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan never actually had a daughter, but rather faked the event in order to appear more likable and to dodge allegations that Mark himself is several dead bodies sewn together after from an early 1980s graveyard raid. Instead, “Baby Max” is a mechanical puppet designed in the sealed laboratories of the Jim Henson corporation, whose other recent efforts include Melania Trump’s smile in White House photos and Harry Styles.

Candidate should be Henson-certified puppeteers, willing to coo and spout precocious baby talk when the Zuckerberg family is embroiled in controversy for selling user data and/or at uncomfortable family events. Must be able to fit beneath average-size table and SUV seats. Doctorate in medicine preferred. No perverts. Just kidding, there’s no real kid, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Guy Who Makes Sure Nobody Is Giving Birth on Facebook Live

There is nothing more meaningful than the life bursting forth from a human vagina or other slick alien object. Nonetheless, this act is in direct violation of Facebook policies that strictly prohibit “gross lady shit.” Employee will spend days patrolling Facebook live broadcasts of interest for 12-16 hours, not unlike a pervert might, but in exchange for excellent health benefits and an exorbitant salary. Will also be responsible for adjusting the “X Days Since Last Facebook Live Birth” sign in flagship offices.

Candidate should be able to identify when a birth is taking place even if the people onscreen are insisting “It’s not what it looks like!”

Happy job hunting, you miserable slugs!

Jamie Loftus is a comedian and writer. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.