The last few months have seen tremendous political change in Washington, and President Trump’s administration is off to a rocky start. But whatever the coming years may bring, we can be sure people will still be looking for romance online. At least, until the computers become sentient and systematically destroy everyone who’s ever posted a bathroom selfie. Here are some Tinder profiles we can expect to see throughout the next four years of the Trump administration.
2017
Mandy, 26
Hi! I’m a freelance web designer living in Brooklyn. I like the beach, yoga and brunch with friends. I’m looking for a partner in crime who can make me laugh and hopefully has at least three years of medical school under his belt. Since getting kicked off my parents’ health plan, I’ve been really nervous about that thing on my arm in picture three. Message me with a diagnosis plz! 🙂 No hook ups—unless you think it needs to be removed and are a qualified dermatological surgeon willing to do so.
Myron, 79
New to Tinder. Looking to get back out there since my wife passed ten years ago. Lovable grandfather type seeks younger lady/car owner who enjoys old movies on public television, ointment rubs, and bringing meals to the elderly and impaired.
2018
Olga, 21
Russian born supermodel now living in U.S. Looking for strong man to have much sex with. Nothing gets me hotter than a patriot brave enough to message me with information about the treasonous plots of cowards trying to oust our great leader.
#MakeAmericaGreatAgain
#TotallyARealPerson
Chris, 55
I’m a big Jersey guy. Typically, kind of an alpha dog, but more recently have been exposed to my submissive side. Turn-ons include being ordered to eat meatloaf and being teased relentlessly by having what I really want dangled in front of me without ever getting it.
If you think we’re a match, let’s get to know each other. I’m not into games. (Unless it’s causing traffic jams to punish my political enemies).
Tom, 28
Hey, I’m a former coal miner currently working in President Trump’s Re-Education Program as a POTUS Twitter account follower-in-training. I get 1/3 of a food credit each time I retweet the President, but that goes up to a full credit if I can get enough people to follow me. Seeking a permanent relationship with a special lady. Looks not important so long as you have at least 10k Twitter followers. Bonus, if you have photoshop skills and enjoy government-issue Soylent.
2019
Zahra, 24
Sexy, smart, Iranian financial analyst who came here four years ago on a student visa before the Travel Ban. Seeking older man for marriage. Not for me though. I haven’t seen my mom in three years and she’s a catch for the right gentleman with solid citizenship status. You’ll like her! Mom is smart and sexy just like me. Also fluent in sarcasm (and Farsi).
Julian, 46
Australian computer programmer and journalist, typically residing in Ecuadorian embassy, only in town for the weekend. Ssssh! 😉
I enjoy leaks, breaches, and penetrating walls. (Search HackerFetish.com if ur not hip to those terms). Interested? Swipe left or right. Doesn’t matter, I can tell either way, and I’m not really a stickler for consent.
Steven, 25
Hey, I love working out, guacamole, and hooking up with hot chicks. If you still have a stash of now outlawed birth control, swipe right!
2020
Rachel, 24
Turn ons: Wine, puppies, and open-minded guys.
Turn offs: Bigots, organized marching and this stupid yellow star I have to wear that color-coordinates with like literally nothing.
I’m fun, loving, and spontaneous. Looking for a guy with sense of humor and spacious attic, hypothetically capable of housing me and loved ones until free elections return
Jake, 51
Former journalist, now detainee, seeking intelligent informed woman for new leads and conjugal visits. Hobbies include bribing guards for wifi access, editing the weekly Enemy of the State newsletter, and tooling on Wolf Blitzer during yard time.
Kellyanne Conway fans swipe left!
Stacey, 22
Hi, I always say, “Life’s a Beach!” and now that the snow caps have melted, I mean it! 🙂 My hobbies include water aerobics, water dancing, and water-Netflix-binging. Looking for a guy who can hold his breath for at least three minutes. Not for that. LULZ! I’m just tired of boyfriends drowning. 🙁
Gladstone is the author of the Internet Apocalypse Trilogy. He has contributed to The Onion, Cracked, Slate and Thrillist.