The Oscars were Oscars tonight, with Oscars Oscarsing up all over the place. The Oscars people did what they do once again, miraculously turning the magic of the movies into a backpat-athon that left almost everybody involved or watching at home feeling supremely unfulfilled. Green Book, a movie about how one co-screenwriter had a very good and not especially racist dad, went home with the Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Supporting Actor Oscars. Bohemian Rhapsody, a movie about how Queen existed for a while that apparently directed itself, won a bunch of awards, too. Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper unveiled a power source that could help save us from global warming with their erotically charged performance of “Shallow,” and Glenn Close continued her lifelong impression of Susan Lucci by not winning once again. It was certainly an Oscars, with all that that entails, and yes, we watched almost the whole damn thing, for some reason.
What made it almost tenable, once more, was following along with the show on Twitter, an app that disrupts the harassment and hate speech industries but also lets comedians tell jokes sometimes. These are the best of those jokes, at least this year, the year of Green Book, the year of Bohemian Rhapsody, the year of Spike Lee somehow winning his very first competitive Oscar for the very first time. Read the tweets and laugh and follow the tweeters and have a good life okay?
I don’t watch award shows, but then I read every tweet about them, which is an even bigger waste of time.
— ali waller (@imaliwaller) February 25, 2019
Bohemian Rhapsody had an extremely powerful and important message: Queen was a band. #Oscars
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) February 25, 2019
Now they have to add a bonus scene to the DVD where a film executive says that “Bohemian Rhapsody” will never win an Oscar, while looking straight to camera.
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) February 25, 2019
I genuinely love how many people are dressed like a large tube of glitter tonight. #Oscars
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) February 25, 2019
Without a host, the #Oscars are just people reading a list of high school yearbook superlatives.
— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) February 25, 2019
It’s nice to see all the women whose skin I plan to wear in one place #Oscars
— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) February 25, 2019
Hell yeah, baby. Can’t wait to tweet 10-12 jokes that will make no sense out of context and delete 6 of them tomorrow #Oscars
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 25, 2019
Scott Baio, James Woods, and Antonio Sabato Jr. are boycotting the #Oscars? ? by not having been in a movie in over 25 years.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) February 24, 2019
My sources say if you fave a tweet with the hashtag #Oscars, the heart turns into a gold star. I take no pleasure in reporting this.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) February 24, 2019
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY WAS A VH1 MOVIE AT BEST BUT OKAY LET’S KEEP GOING WITH THIS CHARADE #Oscars
— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) February 25, 2019
How y’all make a whole ass movie but can’t put together a 20 second Oscars acceptance speech!?!
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 25, 2019
Bohemian Rhapsody is undeniably the best Lifetime movie this year.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 25, 2019
If you feel bad for the losers tonight, just remember the following people never won an Oscar:
Stanley Kubrick
Orson Welles
Sergio Leone
Amy Adams
Emilio Estevez
Brian Bosworth
Rita Rudner
SWV
Dan Hedaya
Joan of Arc
Joseph Piscopo
Amanda Knox
Meryl Streep— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) February 24, 2019
I hope Sam Elliot wins and just opens his mouth and all we hear is the sound of a bunch of rocks being dropped on a driveway.
— Sean O’Connor (@seanoconnz) February 25, 2019
looking at my Oscar ballot as a member of the Academy hmmm I wish i could vote in even more categories for the rock biopic directed by a pedophile sex offender. But this will have to suffice
— Dan O’Sullivan (@Bro_Pair) February 25, 2019
Brunette Charlize Theron has the strength of over three St. Vincents.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 25, 2019
Bryan Singer wins for most times pointedly not mentioned on stage
— J Rosenfield (@J_Rosenfield) February 25, 2019
Every time Angela Bassett is on the stage at the Oscars and not GIVEN HER AWARD FOR WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT I throw a wine glass
— Ira (@ira) February 25, 2019
Just a note that one of the toilets on the famous-person level at the Dolby is already filled with blood.
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) February 25, 2019
Hands down, Bohemian Rhapsody was my favorite film about teeth made by a sexual predator this year
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) February 25, 2019
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President John Bailey Is Serving Looks And We Are Here For It
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 25, 2019
The average Oscar voter trying to lift their pen to fill out their ballot pic.twitter.com/EvTUUStpFV
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) February 25, 2019
the NFL has ruined significantly fewer lives than the movie biz and is 10x more entertaining. plus fewer of them think they’re changing the world by putting on a tux and saying stuff everybody knows to an audience of lubed-up psychos.
— josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) February 25, 2019
Damn, everyone’s at the Oscars this year. pic.twitter.com/H0cZaKFUwx
— Matt Singer (@mattsinger) February 25, 2019
The average person consumes eight Spiderman movies every year.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 25, 2019
There will be no better Oscar Red Carpet recap than this. pic.twitter.com/a2wtKrPxHj
— Jarrett Hill (@JarrettHill) February 25, 2019
Michelle Yeoh and Pharrell Williams: two of America’s oldest living twentysomethings.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) February 25, 2019
why does every Oscar winner say how old their mom is
“Thank you to the Academy, my Mom is here, she’s 102 years old. If you needed any proof I deserve this award, just know that I have a super old-ass mom.”
— Adam Conover (@adamconover) February 25, 2019
I always wonder why the Oscar host combos are so much sexier than most leading couples in movies and it’s just they’re not both white and women can be older.
— Sara Ghaleb (@SaraGhaleb) February 25, 2019
Hi, I’m Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine, and while we used to rally around your family with a pocket full of shells, there were no shells on one family’s harrowing trip to the beach. This… is Roma
— Jeremy D. Larson (@jeremydlarson) February 25, 2019
psst Bradley Cooper is using the voice every guy uses to sing along with Pearl Jam in the car okay bye now
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) February 25, 2019
the oscars is the movies one
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) February 25, 2019
Sincere congrats to Bradley & Gaga’s significant others for not storming the stage and choking someone out #Oscars
— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) February 25, 2019
I hope Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga’s couple name is Ladydley.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 25, 2019
I’m awkward, but I’m not “Bradley Cooper’s baby mama sitting in the front row at the Oscars watching her boyfriend and Lady Gaga eye fuck each other” awkward.
— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) February 25, 2019
lady gaga and bradley cooper singing the shallows somehow got me pregnant
— ziwe (@ziwe) February 25, 2019
It would be extremely funny if after Bradley Cooper sat down on the piano bench he just started hitting random keys like a child
— Italian Alex Pareene (@pareene) February 25, 2019
Samuel L. Jackson’s worst acting of his career: trying not to look disappointed that Green Book won. #Oscars
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) February 25, 2019
Trevor Noah is a presenter? Trevor Noah didn’t even make movies. I was America’s sweetheart. #Oscars
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) February 25, 2019
There will ALWAYS be someone left out of the In Memoriam segment of awards shows – this year it was once again James Woods.
— Marie Connor (@thistallawkgirl) February 25, 2019
the difference between samuel l jackson presenting green book with an oscar and samuel l jackson presenting blackkklansman with an oscar deserves an oscar
— ellie (@eleanorbate) February 25, 2019
I just want one person to say “I can’t wait to throw my Golden Globe in the garbage!”
— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) February 25, 2019
Get Sacha Baron Cohen in character as Borat to present an Oscar to Glenn Close in THE WIFE you cowards
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 25, 2019
You get the same trophy whether you make a long movie or a short one. Everyone should just make short ones.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) February 25, 2019
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) February 25, 2019
While Lady Gaga was giving that incredible Oscars acceptance speech I was eating a chicken burrito. Looks like we’re both big winners tonight!
— Brandon Scott Wolf (indie darling™) (@BrandonEsWolf) February 25, 2019
Wellll….I’m happy Rami Malek identified Bohemian Rhapsody as a movie about a gay man. I wish someone had told the screenwriters.
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) February 25, 2019
Bohemian Rhapsody won Best Editing for editing out all the gay sex scenes.
— Gonzalo Cordova (@GonzaloRCordova) February 25, 2019
this performance is for all the weird theatre kids on the subway rocking scarfs that aren’t necessary TO YOU
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) February 25, 2019
— Travis Helwig (@travishelwig) February 25, 2019
You can almost hear him say, “You know you don’t deserve this, right?” pic.twitter.com/i4ciY6Syre
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) February 25, 2019
As an appreciator of every decade-old British melodrama lopped onto Netflix in the middle of the night, I am very happy for the Michael Jordan of the genre, Olivia Colman.
— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) February 25, 2019
Bohemian Rhapsody wins Best Picture Made By A Pedophile Who Got Fired From The Movie But Not For Being A Pedophile
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@pixelatedboat) February 25, 2019
Just give an Oscar to everyone. Even the people outside.
— Eric Andre (@ericandre) February 25, 2019
Greenbook is the movie version of a white guy saying “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple!”
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 25, 2019
“Now more people will see The Favourite!” I said with a pained smile through Glenn Close-shaped tears.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 25, 2019
When @SamuelLJackson gives you an Oscar, apparently he lets you know exactly how he feels about you. #Oscarspic.twitter.com/0DzrmuTHsp
— W. Kamau Bell (@wkamaubell) February 25, 2019
“And that is why I think everyone should fuck a sea monster at least once. Anyway, directing…” pic.twitter.com/1oo5XGC6Up
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 25, 2019
LADY GAGA WILL EGOT
EMMY
GRAMMY
OSCAR
TFUCK BRADLEY COOPER— Aaron Eisenberg (@Eisentweet) February 25, 2019
Alfonso Cauron is so hot he looks like he would have a one-year-old child in Silverlake.
— Sean O’Connor (@seanoconnz) February 25, 2019
Amazing to think that right now, there’s someone at Yale drama who is living and breathing their craft and deftly disappearing into minutely detailed characterizations and will, in 7-10 years, lose the Best Actor Oscar to Pete Davidson.
— Michael Hartney (@MichaelHartney) February 25, 2019
“cool maybe people will leave us alone now” – crash and american beauty
— andy levy (@andylevy) February 25, 2019
the only thing hollywood loves more than an unsophisticated take on race relations is a movie directed by a pedophile. tight race this year
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) February 25, 2019
Well hold on, these best picture announcements aren’t always 100 percent right
— Mike Ryan (@mikeryan) February 25, 2019
Imagine being Spike Lee and having to lose to Driving Miss Daisy and Reverse Driving Miss Daisy smdh #Oscars
— Logan Trent (@TheLoganTrent) February 25, 2019
Greenbook would 100% have been Tracy Jordan’s attempt at an Oscar on 30 Rock.
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 25, 2019
Look 40 years from now the only movie whose politics are gonna matter is Mad Max
— Tom Scocca (@tomscocca) February 25, 2019
Green Book? More like the White Pages pic.twitter.com/DjO2dmVnqH
— Ira (@ira) February 25, 2019
The Oscar for great tweets goes to you guys
— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) February 25, 2019