Things in Stranger Things, Ranked by Strangeness

What day is it? That’s right, it’s Stranger Things Day. Tomorrow will be Stranger Things Day too, and so will Sunday, and all of next week, and however long it takes this content train to ride into the fiery sunset of some other show everyone loves and talks about for a month. We know it may be a year or longer since you watched season one, so we’ve prepared a brief guide to catch you up before you binge season two. Here they are, all the important things in Stranger Things, ranked by strangeness:

Hawkins, Indiana: arguably the “true main character” of the series; NOT STRANGE

Lucas Sinclair: friend of Mike, Will and Dustin; middle school student; AV Club member; NOT STRANGE

Mike Wheeler: friend of Lucas, Will and Dustin; Dungeon Master; alpha figure in the friend group; rescues, then falls for female protagonist; NOPE, NOT STRANGE

Barbara Holland: a.k.a. “Barb”; friend of Nancy; prudish, and brutally punished for it; a meme; BETTER GET SOME GAS, ‘CAUSE BABY WE’RE MILES FROM STRANGE

Jim Hopper: a cop; divorced; alcoholic; lives in a trailer; sick of those meddling kids; NOT STRANGE IN MY OPINION

Nancy Wheeler: older sister of Mike; initially likes a dude named Steve, then later doesn’t like him anymore; is a dick to Barb, effectively condemning her to death; handy with a baseball bat; NOTHING STRANGE HERE

Steve: a chill guy who turns out to be a total jackass and then turns out to be pretty cool again; NOT STRANGE

Phil Callahan: a cop; comedy’s good boy John Reynolds; always a pleasure; NOT STRANGE

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‘80s and/or horror tropes: rampant; shameless; lazily integrated; provide a brief high that collapses upon further reflection; is it worth it?; yes, no, who cares, it’s your life, it’s the weekend, go wild, eat popcorn, pat a dog, I’ll see you on Monday; NOT STRANGE

Jonathan Byers: older brother of Will; sensitive, and bullied for it; photographs Nancy, in various states of undress, when she’s not looking; teams up with Nancy and Steve anyway to save the day; KINDA STRANGE BUT NOT REALLY ALL THAT STRANGE IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS

Dustin Henderson: friend of Lucas, Mike and Will; hat-wearer; goes by “Compass Genius”; crafty and oft-indignant; a fan favorite; TEEEENSY BIT STRANGE

Joyce Byers: mother to Will and Nancy; Winona Ryder, overacting; rescues Will, somehow, with Jim Hopper, though we never see how?; EHHH, SURE, STRANGE

Matthew Modine: human; male; not Ted Danson; GONNA GO WITH “STRANGE” ON THIS ONE

Will Byers: nice enough; kidnapped by monster; evades monster; succumbs to monster; burps up a slug; MOST STRANGE INDEED

The Upside-Down: dark; spooky; flakes of stuff floating about; PRETTY STRANGE I MUST ADMIT

Eleven: human; female; psychic; named “Eleven”; DEFINITELY VERY STRANGE

The Demogorgon: some sort of monster which, if you pay close attention, was actually summoned by the main characters in the very first episode, in the D&D game that basically set everything in motion, you idiots, you utter rubes, it was all right there in front of you; STRANGE! I GUESS. THE BITS WHERE IT WAS COMING OUT OF THE WALL WERE COOL, BUT WHEN IT WAS JUST LUMBERING AROUND THE SCHOOL GETTING SHOT AT? GOTTA SAY THAT LOOKED PRETTY CHEAP! MAYBE THEY COULD’VE USED SOME OF THOSE MILLIONS OF CHAPPELLE/SEINFELD/CHRIS ROCK DOLLARS ON MAKING THE MONSTER LOOK BETTER? JUST A COUPLE MILLIONS WORTH IS ALL I ASK!

Seth Simons is Paste’s assistant comedy editor. Follow him on Twitter.