Now that Donald Trump is the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party, everyone wants to know who’s going to be his Vice Presidential pick. Trump claims he won’t announce his running mate until after he’s sealed up the nomination, but we know he has a shortlist with six or seven names on it. These are the candidates we think Trump should seriously consider…
Andross, from the Star Fox series of videogames, provides a couple of benefits right off the bat. He’s a capable military leader, who has successfully constructed a massive starfleet numerous times in secret. He’s also from Ohio, a crucial swing state. And although his armada of thousands of massive ships is regularly defeated by four tiny ones, we feel the voters will overlook this, as he’s very funny.
A critical note: we are specifically talking about giant flying brain Andross and NOT monkey Andross. The brain polls far better.
Dr. Tolian Soran is a self-made, plain talking outsider who doesn’t kowtow to the “stuffy elites” in Starfleet. He hates these asteroid beltway insiders so much, in fact, that he destroyed the USS Enterprise-D, a feat that hundreds of inferior television antagonists could never achieve. Soran can also provide America access to The Nexus, an energy ribbon where all your dreams can come true. That’s pretty cool, right? Seems like that could secure a few votes. And although killing the ever-popular Captain James T. Kirk may be considered a liability, a few attack ads portraying Kirk as a boorish sexist should fix that right up. After all, who’d elect someone like that, right?
Chris Christie is a longshot pick compared to safer choices like The Zodiac Killer or Darth Plagueis, but hey, let’s have some fun! The garden state Governor brings a lot of negatives to the table, what with his experience in actually running a government, but we feel voters might overlook that in a “change” election. Other drawbacks include not having rich parents who gave him everything, and having to work for a living for dozens of years (sad!) But here’s the good news: he once closed down a bridge and endangered lives just to spite one guy. That’s going to resonate warmly with Trump and his voters.
The Wacky Racers meet the Wacky Racist! Dick Dastardly and his hench-dog Muttley have a lot of experience participating in races that are crazy, exhausting and feel overly long, putting him right at home in 2016. Another advantage: Trump is having trouble connecting with minority voters, but Dastardly helps seal up the older Italian hipster demographic, which some say might exist. And you’d have to imagine that—if Trump or Dastardly got caught in a verbal trap at a debate, or a literal physical trap made of tar, pigeon feathers and an army trampoline—Muttley would be fully supportive emotionally…hehehehehe.
In our universe, Carly Fiorina is a failed candidate and a much maligned CEO of Hewlett Packard, who Trump mocked by saying, “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?” However, Carly Fiorina on Earth-247A is being strongly considered by the Trump camp. Alterna-Fiorina was also a terrible CEO of Hewlett Packard, who laid off 30,000 employees while lining her own pocket with millions of dollars, but in this universe, she’s a “boinkable 10,” according to Trump.
Polls show that Governor Christie would benefit greatly as a candidate if he hollowed out a metal chamber in his abdomen and allowed Krang, the disembodied brain and frequent antagonist of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to control his body. Voters say it would make him “more likeable.” Together, Christie, Krang and Trump would form a Lincoln-esque Team of Rivals: Krang would prioritize ruling Dimension X with an iron fist, Trump would prioritize ruling America with an iron fist, and Christie would constantly scream about the talking brain in his stomach. Everybody wins!
The leading candidate for Trump’s VP running mate is former pharmaceutical CEO and real life super-villain Martin Shkreli. He was criticized for massively hiking prices on lifesaving medications. But think about this: psychologically, the more we spend on something, the better we think it is. Therefore, by making medicine thousands of times more expensive, he will give us the best healthcare system ever invented. Also, he’s the only candidate who could promise to give everyone in America the new Wu Tang album, only to go back on his promise once in office. The only drawback with Shkreli is that sometimes a choice makes too much sense?
Asterios Kokkinos is a comedian in Los Angeles.
Geoffrey Golden is a co-founder and co-publisher of The Devastator, the only all-humor press in America.