The Funniest Tweets of the Week

I’m starting to feel like things aren’t going so well in these here United States.

Look, I hate starting this column off with a depressing, pessimistic intro every single week. That’s not fun for anybody. It’s impossible to drum up fake enthusiasm at this point, though, especially for something as, uh, insubstantial as a gallery of tweets. Things are bad, they’re only getting worse, and one of the few ways we can handle it is through jokes. Here are some. This week the Trump administration reiterated that it wants all public schools to reopen in the fall, no matter the COVID consequences; Jeff Sessions lost a Senate primary to a former football coach; Disney World became the latest Florida theme park to reopen as that state’s coronavirus numbers continue to explode; Georgia’s governor sued Atlanta’s mayor to keep the city from enforcing a mandatory mask policy; and, oh, in late-breaking news, apparently the Department of Homeland Security has deployed paramilitary forces to Portland, Ore., to extrajudicially detain citizens. Not a good week!

Some of these tweets are about some of those issues. Some aren’t. Some are comments locked into a specific time or place, whose meaning and impact is already waning. Others are just timeless jokes that could be retweeted at any point in the future and still get a laugh out of people. Check ‘em out, and follow the people who wrote ‘em.

ronald reagan died when nancy tricked him into shrinking himself down, telling him he could fit in her purse and sneak into the ladies bathroom. she put the tiny nude man into the microwave and set it to half an hour and watched while smoking a virginia slim

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 10, 2020

love to take off a full week from work & make plans for myself that are like
• read every book i own
• watch every prestige drama from the last 10 yrs
• catch up with all my friends i love & miss
• learn a trade
• unearth deeply embedded childhood trauma
• clean my room

— lana schwartz (@_lanabelle) July 11, 2020

free speech is when i’m winning the argument, cancel culture is when i’m losing

— Shaun (@shaun_vids) July 11, 2020

We are ready to welcome guests back to Jurassic Park. pic.twitter.com/kHSqTpkWSB

— Jurassic Park Updates (@JurassicPark2go) July 12, 2020

Wisconsin Republican Coughs Uncontrollably at Mask-Optional Event #COVID19pic.twitter.com/59kAGC5eTf

— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) July 12, 2020

Got to see my mom for the first time in 5 months today. Quarantined for 2 weeks, got COVID tested twice and when it was finally time to hug her, my arms went right through her because she was cake. Come on guys. That’s enough. Not everything has to be a cake. Where is my mom?

— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 12, 2020

Nobody talks about this, but if you work on a ranch, that flavor of salad dressing? That’s what it tastes like in your mouth all the time

— tedium and woe jerk (@rajandelman) July 13, 2020

i hate the words people post on this website

— thot chocolate (@shreyabasu003) July 13, 2020

briefly left my house and interacted with other people in the world, 0/10, would not recommend

— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 13, 2020

why I won’t wear a mask pic.twitter.com/CyiKIgWuwF

— kylie brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) July 12, 2020

GOD, INVENTING CATS: WHAT IF A KNIFE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU
ANGEL: YOU OKAY?
GOD: YEAH, I’M GREAT. ANYWAYS, WHAT IF A KNIFE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU

— Heather Flowers (@HTHRFLWRS) July 14, 2020

Goodnight pic.twitter.com/032BCYk9oO

— Brandon Collins (@elosoblanco69) July 14, 2020

10 reasons i can’t WAIT for major league baseball to come back:

scores
stats
standings
schedule
video
shop
terms of use
privacy policy
cookie settings
contact us

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) July 12, 2020

Imagine telling your kids that you’re taking them to The Rollercoaster Museum and then when you arrive there aren’t any working rollercoasters and it’s just a boring museum about rollercoasters. That’s essentially adulthood.

— Brandon Scott Wolf (@BrandonEsWolf) July 14, 2020

I believe cancel culture should be between a man and a woman in the privacy of their own home

— Kate Willett (@katewillett) July 14, 2020

Can’t believe LA is shutting down again. We did everything wrong and everything still went wrong

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 14, 2020

Marvin Gaye looking at the whole 2020 like: pic.twitter.com/Qkk7UeSyDw

— Karlous Miller (@KarlousM) July 15, 2020

Jeff Sessions can always run in the special election after Tommy Tuberville gets a better offer from another state in 18 months

— actioncookbook (@actioncookbook) July 15, 2020

business……………………..or pleasure? pic.twitter.com/l8HqGvFYPl

— graham ross techler (@gr8h8m_t3chl3r) July 15, 2020

Men over 35 in skinny jeans…. pic.twitter.com/TOZMzy0rQj

— LoveAndSmoking (@BodytalkClub) July 15, 2020

why his daddy face fallin off the bone? https://t.co/PomrdwYU3j

— bri boyega (@bigshitxtalker) July 14, 2020

when schools reopen in september: https://t.co/Q3DS55BCM5

— having one hit of CBD and astral projecting (@clay_png) July 16, 2020

been on t v pic.twitter.com/iPXbIOZk4Y

— chris (@TonyBeast1957) July 16, 2020

Turning this off. i thought this was supposed to be about an escape from alcatraz.. pic.twitter.com/MHxDHHZ5XJ

— josh ‘Letterman’ (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) July 17, 2020

i am sorry if i owe you an email but my brain has been melting for four months best wishes

— Preeti Chhibber (@runwithskizzers) July 15, 2020

Florida-Georgia Line thinks a dobro is the Pillsbury mascot.

— Reginald Spears (@ReginaldSpears) July 17, 2020