How about this week, huh? Wildfires have turned Oregon and parts of California into frightening climate disasters that look like something from a movie, and at least one of them was caused by a gender reveal party, of all things. (It’s not even the first time a gender reveal party has caused a wildfire.) An event resembling a Kentucky Derby happened four months late. Actor turned MAGA social media asshole James Woods continued to be a MAGA social media asshole. Restaurant chains Fuddrucker’s and Luby’s shut down for good. Oh, and journalist Bob Woodward (probably the only man to ever be played on film by Robert Redford, Will Ferrell and the brilliant character actor J.T. Walsh) released a tape recording of the president acknowledging that he downplayed the severity of the coronavirus in the early days of the pandemic—during the time when a comprehensive, well-coordinated government response could’ve helped contain it and reduce the spread, potentially saving some of the 190,000 lives lost in America to COVID since then. There aren’t really any funny jokes about that last one; I just felt it had to be mentioned in any recap of the week that was, even one as cursory and dimwitted as this one.
Here are some jokes about those other things, though, along with a whole lot else. Read ‘em, like ‘em, follow the people who wrote ‘em, and then get ready for whatever hellish rascality next week will foist upon us.
i’ve been in a really bad place lately (the united states of america)
— Tall Bitch (@planntika_) September 3, 2020
I hope this email finds you
like an animal
I hope it finds you
from the inside— Josie (@josieundead) September 4, 2020
gator and turtle high five pic.twitter.com/CP8ElZkSZo
— Gators Daily (@GatorsDaily) September 4, 2020
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 4, 2020
he looks like the guy who called the police to complain about The Beatles making all that noise on the roof https://t.co/jbmAHjP5IG
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) September 5, 2020
I could run for president. Just gotta write a book called ‘The Sum of Our Strengths’ and include a childhood anecdote where I watch my father tip a bellhop and learn that bellhops are people. Easy shit.
— graham ross techler (@gr8h8m_t3chl3r) September 5, 2020
The worst part about your boat sinking at a trump rally is the band playing the whole time you sink is Trapt
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) September 5, 2020
the problem w/ the Kentucky Derby is that they’re literally all horses. very boring. put one of each animal out there & let’s learn a thing or two
— Dan Perlman (@danjperlman) September 5, 2020
Every comedy couple. pic.twitter.com/0hNuIFSlKQ
— Danny Neary (@itsdannyneary) September 5, 2020
if i had a boyfriend i would watch him do flips into the pool and say “that was so fucking sick babe” every time
— kscraps (@kellyscarpone) September 4, 2020
“do you want the good news or the bad news first?” buddy no news is worse than finding out i have to make a decision
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) September 6, 2020
Leave James Woods alone. He’s a single father raising his teenage girlfriend and he deserves our respect for that.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 6, 2020
The good news is that Twitter is almost 14 so only a few more years before James Woods loses interest in it.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 6, 2020
I watched the Matt furie Pepe documentary and it was p good but the Vancouver guy with the Lamborghini who trades rare pepes and drives around listening to a song about rare pepes was a new kind of guy I didn’t know about and didn’t want to know about
— AD2020 (@atothe_d) September 6, 2020
if i were shania twain, i would tweet “let’s go girls” every single morning for the rest of my life
— Liz Maupin (@LizMaupin) September 7, 2020
Sorry about my gender reveal oil spill, but I wanted it to be memorable. I am currently hiding from the authorities, but did anyone happen to notice if the wildlife turned more pink or more blue?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2020
I see a lot of you making big plans for your gender reveal parties, but they won’t top the one I threw back in 2010! (Caused Deepwater Horizon)
— Kelsea Bauman (@preachy_spice) September 7, 2020
Exclusive sneak peek at the new Disney World show, “Mickey & Minnie’s Gender Reveal Party” pic.twitter.com/gjNWW69lJB
— Tom Zohar (@TomZohar) September 8, 2020
but then subtract from that the tee shirt sales https://t.co/8NWUOHwQZg
— Emo Philips (@EmoPhilips) September 8, 2020
Fuddruckers wasn’t a burger chain – it was a burger idea. And ideas don’t die
— Carl Beijer (@CarlBeijer) September 8, 2020
Why the fuck would I drink in moderation?? Like “ooh gimme a glass of poison but not enough to make it fun.” Shut up. Be either drunk or sober or dead.
— Curtis Cook (@Curtis_Cook) September 9, 2020
Here’s another tweet, you pieces of shit
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) September 8, 2020
mushroom cloud forming on the horizon fuckin phone bills due again shit.
— joe joegan (@jakebrodes) September 9, 2020
I miss those 90s dance music duets where a female singer’s whole vibe was disco princess and then a male singer came in sounding like horny satan.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) September 9, 2020
black bears are the absolute cowards of the animal kingdom. nobody respects them. All the videos of them for the past twenty years have just been them wandering into the suburbs for trash and getting thrown into power lines by French bulldogs
— dollars horton (@crusherbort) September 9, 2020
I definitely know what mastering is and love music when they do mastering to it
— traitor joe (@phoebe_bridgers) September 9, 2020
Salvador Dalí died in 1989 so it’s extremely possible that he saw the 1986 comedy hit “Crocodile Dundee”
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) September 9, 2020
Damn Mitt went the hell off https://t.co/ny8rGZ006h
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 9, 2020
America is the best country on earth, now put your plague mask on and look at the horrifying blood red skies over California
— Chris Evangelista (@cevangelista413) September 10, 2020
NOTHING QUITE LIKE CHOKING ON THE AIR UNDER A BLOOD RED SKY TO GET YOU EXCITED ABOUT GRADUAL, MARKET-BASED SOLUTIONS TO CLIMATE CHANGE
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) September 11, 2020
People who say “you just lost a customer” to retail employees when they don’t get their way have the most severe case of main character syndrome.
— sadness from inside out apologist (@NikkiCallowayy) September 10, 2020
his name is chuck todd because his parents wanted to give him every opportunity to be a white guy
— blaire erskine (@blaireerskine) September 10, 2020
TikTok and that cups song from Pitch Perfect narrowly avoiding each other like asteroids
— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) September 10, 2020
Trump only took three questions at today’s press briefing. I take more than three questions about “The Wrestler” if I walk from 1st St to 2nd St.
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) September 10, 2020
“Daaang. Today was wild. I’m gonna Postmates me a big ol’ dinner tonight to feel better.”- Me, every single day, since March 11th.
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 10, 2020
how we’re all going to remember 2020 pic.twitter.com/58E3TCg0l0
— Keith J Carberry (@KeithJCarberry) September 11, 2020
“Put dat damn mask on” https://t.co/1frHwB8587
— JAY (@iDaddyJay) September 11, 2020
Print is not dead in my home state pic.twitter.com/yT6iKybDcU
— Mackenzie Mays (@MackenzieMays) September 11, 2020
They won’t stop until they race God https://t.co/Y5cwMSNBSX
— Official Potato Stan Account (@LazarusKumi) September 11, 2020
9/11 changed everything except my brother’s taste in music. Still just Dave Matthews Band.
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) September 11, 2020