With spring comes sunny weather, fresh starts, and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. The Netflix original — Tina Fey’s most recent work of genius — returns on April 15th. Soon, we’ll all be binge-watching the antics of unflappable optimist Kimmy Schmidt, lovable dreamer Titus Andromedon, and clueless socialite Jacqueline Voorhes.
As far as musical interludes go, the show has created more than its fair share of ear worms (females ARE strong as hell) but the one that’s had the most sticking power since last season’s finale is the song “Peeno Noir.” Arguably, Titus’s original tune is the best thing that’s happened to Pinot noir since Sideways. And who can forget his classy music video? What production value! Even the Orange Is the New Black cast was inspired to create their own version, an ode to prison hooch.
In honor of the show’s return (and Titus’s wildly creative rhyming skills), here’s a list of seven Pinot noirs, perfect for celebrating the debut of the addictive sitcom’s second season:
When Titus finally makes it big (bigger than mere internet infamy, that is), this is the Pinot he’ll be drinking out of a diamond-encrusted chalice. Domaine de la Romanée-Conti makes some of the world’s most expensive wines, with bottles in the neighborhood of $20,000 (although bargain hunters may be able to snag one for $14,000). Despite demand, this famous Burgundy vineyard produces under 10,000 cases per year — insuring its only consumed by the 1%. In short, this is the pinnacle of peenos.
Titus clearly has caviar dreams, but waiting tables as a frankenwolf means his budget is more along the lines of bathtub hooch. Luckily, there are some pinots that even Kimmy and Titus can afford (there’s room for a wine rack in their diminutive kitchen). California’s Mark West Black Pinor Noir, for example, can be had for $15 a bottle. Dubbed “the dark side of Pinot,” it’s the ideal liquid accompaniment for a musical ode to black penis.
If Titus had a spirit animal in pinot form, it’d be Sassy Bitch. Fruity with a hint of smoky oak, this is the pinot that the basement dwelling duo would be sipping while pouring their hearts out about work, GED class, demanding bosses, run-ins with former spouses, et al. Picture them piled onto the couch, donning silk pajamas, hair in rollers (Kimmy’s, anyway), wine in hand. Let the gossip flow as freely as the wine.
It’s unlikely Jacqueline would drink anything that wasn’t biodynamic, organic, and endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow herself. And while Gwynnie hasn’t championed any pinots we’re aware of, Frey Vineyards would likely meet her approval. The California winery is sustainable, organic, biodynamic, non-GMO, and bee-friendly. Jacqueline and Kimmy could sit and sip this vintage from crystal stemware after a SpiritCycle workout.
For a frankenwolf who works at Professor Dracula’s Spooky Laboratory and Bar and Grill, what better beverage choice than a vampiric vino? Drunk by True Blood and Twilight cast members alike, this choice would put Titus and Kimmy in A-list company — exactly where Mr. Andromedon wants to be. Envision them toasting two blood-red glassfuls to Titus’s successful second audition for the role of Dr. Van Peebles. A star is born.
This wine, called “a fruit grenade,” by PinotFile, is heavy on the dark cherry and plum — flavors that would likely appeal to Titus’s discerning tastebuds. “Country-ass sugar water,” it ain’t. Picture Titus sipping this on a sidewalk chaise lounge wearing nothing but Speedos and a “baby slut” shirt. Classy.
With her return to civilization, Kimmy is learning to live as an adult female in the twenty-tens — and regardless of era, every woman needs a little black dress. LBD wine is the perfect choice for Kimmy’s adventure into adulthood after 15 years underground. Jacqueline, Titus and Lillian can share a bottle with the perpetual Pollyanna as they fill her in on pop culture trivia from the last decade and a half. She’ll be heartbroken to learn of Color Me Badd’s breakup, but that’s what wine is for.