Fast food is supposed to be simple and appeal to our simple minds. It’s cheap, ideal for fast-paced situations and can usually be eaten with one hand. The truly American cuisine has also gotten its fair share of heat because its contents are often questionable. “What is really in that?” the health sphere and documentary filmmakers ask. Is this industry marketing food that’s unsafe to eat?
We’re going to gloss over those questions, since the answer is obviously yes, and instead address basic matters of functionality: What is this, where did the idea come from and how are we really supposed to eat it?
6. Big Mac
The Big Mac doesn’t seem confusing at first, and that’s probably because it’s been around for almost half a century. What is it, two beef patties, three buns and fixings that include salad dressing? We’re accustomed to sandwiches with multiple slabs of meat, but that extra bun takes it up a notch: how are you supposed to fit the thing in your mouth?
Do you flatten it out? Break it down and pick up the pieces with a fork?
Eating a Big Mac seems like such a struggle that even Clickhole’s suggestion seems reasonable.
5. Gas Station Salad
Forget the obvious question (Why would anybody want to eat salad from a gas station? If you’re trying to be healthy, you’re much better off with the apple or banana that some stations are known to sell).
No, the gas station salad is confusing because of its layout. Think about original gas station food. Think about hot dogs, taquitos, donuts and even coffee. What do they all have in common? You can eat (or drink) them with your hands, which makes them ideal car cuisine. Now think about how easily iceberg lettuce can spill and how ranch dressing probably isn’t the most enjoyable item to remove from upholstery. There you go. Gas stations, we appreciate the stab at variety, but why would you want to give travelers a more difficult experience?
4. The McRib
The McRib is infamously shaped like a rack of ribs, but has no rib bones.
1. What is the meat, and what kind of genetically modified monstrosity did the meat come from?
2. Does anybody even like this sandwich? The only remotely positive media the McRib gets is when it comes back every year.
3. 7-Eleven Doritos Loaded
Forget about why anybody would actually want to eat these things. What exactly are they supposed to be? The Doritos Loaded is named after a chip, but what it is — florescent cheese covered in crusty flakes, so technically a reverse nacho cheese Dorito — looks more like a sad pastry.
Again, the major issues here are execution and the actual process of eating. There is no way the Loaded (is that what you even call it?) possesses the durability of Taco Bell’s favorite chip. It’s flimsy and thereby goes against the principle of successful gas station food. Look at a non-promotional photo of the thing and you’ll see that it’s about to fall apart. Can it be eaten without a fork and that much trust? Why does 7-Eleven want to ruin Doritos’ good name?
2. KFC Double Down
The KFC Double Down is a sandwich but the bread is chicken. Is the focus of the Double Down the chicken-bread or the bacon, cheese and special sauce in the middle? How do you eat the damn thing? How many napkins will it take to wipe of the grease if I decide to use my hands? Does this fit into my no-carb diet?
This sandwich kind of looks like a monster that’s frothing at the mouth – it’s actually kind of scary. And also…. the Double Down had a baby?
1. KFC Chicken Corsage
KFC is no stranger to befuddling innocent patrons with its menu. The chain has changed the way people look at and talk about fast food – remember 2006, when the KFC Bowls were introduced?
Yes, we’ve seen the chain make chicken confusing in the past, but nothing is more puzzling than the Chicken Corsage. Who the hell came up with this idea? Why did somebody think it would be a good idea to tie a drumstick to a sprig of leaves and baby’s breath?
And yes, the snackwave movement is very real, but why would anybody actually want to wear a piece of fried meat to the prom? Proms are expensive, and KFC drumsticks are greasy. Sure, the corsage is $20, but it’ll cost at least that to get the grease stain out of your pricey dress or rental tux.
Speaking of the chicken, when are you supposed to eat it? Is it a little snack to down before you get out of the limo, or are you supposed to save it and give it to the really friendly drunk girl you find in the bathroom? Putting a fried chicken leg on a corsage and taking it to prom just gives it too much responsibility.
And one last thing… Do you really want your night to remember turn out like this?
