Childhood nostalgia is a powerful tool, and the folks involved in moviemaking know this well. And though we won’t name any names, recent films have taught us that a game needs no plot whatsoever to inspire a film with Rihanna in it.
To test the limits Hollywood would go to ruin our childhoods, we took nine beloved games and toys and pitched our own movie ideas. Move over, Michael Bay. You’ve got competition.
Tagline: Is he going to wake up?
Director: David Fincher
Genre: Horror, Psychological Thriller
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Dakota Fanning
Plot: By day, Alan Walters is a loving father. But at night, he’s plagued by sleepwalking and terrible nightmares with deadly consequences for those around him.
Sample Dialogue: “It’s past your curfew. We’ll have to do something about that.”
Tagline: He owns the town. But who owns him?
Director: Martin Scorsese
Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Plot: A rising entrepreneur is well on his way to owning his town, but after being wrongfully accused and thrown in jail, his life spirals out of control.
Sample Dialogue: “I spent all my money on the railroads. Look where it’s gotten me.”
Tagline: There is no greater force than the love between a boy and his dog. Except cancer.
Director: Robert Stevenson
Starring: Thomas Horn
Plot: Charlie and his dog Freckles are the best of friends, until sickness threatens to break them apart. From the director of such well-loved tales such as Shiloh and Old Yeller comes the heartbreaking story of Pound Puppies.
Sample Dialogue: “You need a name. I’ll call you Freckles.”
Tagline: What’s in the egg?
Director: John Lasseter
Starring: The voices of Katy Perry, Adam Sandler and Crispin Glover
Plot: A young girl finds a mysterious egg after a meteor shower and raises the creature inside.
Sample Dialogue: “All this time I thought I was taking care of you, Tamagotchi. But really, you took care of me.”
Tagline: Don’t break the chain.
Director: John McTiernan
Starring: Bruce Willis, Megan Fox, Snoop Dog
Plot: Several monkeys escape the local zoo, spreading havoc and disease. Only one man can stop them.
Sample Dialogue: “Don’t you see? They’re all connected. They’re all part of the chain.”
Tagline: Who’s really in control?
Director: Bret Easton Ellis
Genre: Adult Psychological Thriller
Starring: Robert Pattinson
Plot: In the style of such literary classics as Fifty Shades of Grey comes Simon Says, the story of one man’s need for sexual power.
Sample Dialogue: “I didn’t say, ‘Simon says.’”
Tagline: You’ll never guess that it’s the flowers killing people.
Director: M. Night Shymalan
Genre: Thriller…with a twist
Starring: Katherine Heigl, Hugh Jackman
Plot: Goodlooking Handsomeguy is the perfect date—or is he? One woman is about to learn the terrifying truth about her mystery date.
Sample Dialogue: “I better get the door. That’s my mystery date, and I don’t want to be late.”
Tagline: It’s the craziest trap you’ll ever see.
Director: James Wan
Starring: A generic list of C-list actors, Lindsay Lohan
Plot: What begins as a simple quest to rid a house of mice quickly spirals into a deadly game of deception.
Sample Dialogue: “Look out! The boot is heading straight for that bucket!”
Tagline: If you wanna win the game, you gotta take good aim.
Director: Luis Llosa
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, One-Hit Wonder Actress
Plot: From the director that brought you Anaconda comes Hungry Hungry Hippos, the thrilling tale of three adventurers searching for “marbles,” a rare gem found only in the African wilds. But something else is lurking in the deep, and it’s hungry…
Sample Dialogue: Samuel L. Jackson: [After destroying a herd of rabid hippos] “I guess those muthafuckas weren’t hungry enough.”