An open letter to Zooey Deschanel.
Hey Z!
What's up? Long time no talk, right? Hope everything's going well out
in your world. Looks like you've had a busy year, huh? Wound up on the
cover of Paste and everything. Pretty cool. Hey, I meant to tell you, I
really liked that dress. You know, that dress you wore one time? And
that other dress you wore that other time. It doesn't matter what time,
really. I just like all your dresses. All your clothes, actually. When
are you going to design your own clothing line? Why do only ugly
celebrities that dress ugly get to have their own lines? Is it some
ploy to get them to dress better? Or dress at all? Like, hey, Britney
Spears, sign off on these pants that this unnamed but now very rich
person just made, we're gonna tell everyone you designed them, now you
have to wear them all the time, WHOOPS GOTCHA! Zooey, If you designed
some clothes I would totally wear them. But only if you sold them at
Target. And then I'd still probably wait til they were on clearance.
Can you make this happen? Thought so! You're the best.
Anyway, so, I loved that album you made with M. Ward. It's actually my
favorite album of the year. And everyone at work just thought it was
great. We liked it so much, it wasn't a hard choice to put you and Matt
(M.? Em-dubs? OMG, please tell me he lets you call him Em-dubs!) on the
cover. I remember when we got the watermarked copy from your record
label in the office. Someone picked it out of the stack of incoming CDs
that the interns were filing and said, “Hey, that Zooey Deschanel She
& Him thing album is here,” or something like that. I think it was
Steve that said that. He also thought it was the best album of the
year. Anyway, assuming it was Steve, Steve listened to the album and
then I saw it on his desk and I took it from him and then Austin saw
that I had it and he took it from me and Kate took it from someone at
some point and eventually pretty much everyone was listening to it that
afternoon and it was great. We all loved it from the start. It was
like opening a Whitman's sampler of delicious musical chocolates, only
not a single one had that pink fluffy crap inside, or that weird gooey
“sugar” stuff that kinda looks like... well, nevermind. Point being, we
loved it then and we loved it all through the year and we love it now.
This doesn't always happen. Sometimes a bunch of us in the office get
excited about something for about three days and then everyone forgets
about it. But not you, Zooey. Also, there was just this basic sense of
relief that at least one indie darling actress released a halfway
listenable album this year. Don't tell Scarlett, but “Tinkerbell on
cough syrup vibe”? I think we all know that's just French for “oh
whoops I can't actually sing but I'm making this album anyway.”
Anyway, so, it was kind of weird when people started saying all those
things. Did I tell you about this? I guess not. See, what happened was,
a bunch of people totally did not agree that your album was the best
album of the year. Some people liked it but just didn't think it was
all that great, which is fine. But then a lot of people were saying
that obviously we only put you on the cover because you're pretty.
Okay, that's not exactly what they said. If they were being nice, they
said it's because we wanted to score a date with you. If they were
being less nice, they said it's because we wanted to, well, just score
with you. How weird, right? Most of the guys on our editorial staff are
taken anyway, but if one of them wants to ask a girl out, he can do it
his own damn self, we're not gonna put her on the cover. And also,
Em-dubs over there? No one has accused us of putting him on the cover
because we want to score a date and/or with him. I mean, really. If they're gonna go there, they might as well fully
consider all the options. And let me just say, when I saw you guys at
the Variety Playhouse in Atlanta a few months ago, I found myself a
just little bit weak in the knees every time a certain Mr. Dubs
opened his mouth to sing. Even though he was for some reason still
wearing his sunglasses up on top of his head, inside, on stage, at 10
PM. So yeah. Put those ulterior motives in your pipe and smoke it,
Internet.
Anyway, so, there's something else I've been meaning to ask you about.
The Happening. Now, sorry if this comes across as a little bitchy, I
totally don't mean it that way, but WHAT? How much did they pay you for
that? What made you think it was even a good idea? I mean, I get the
kinda campy old-school horror movie vibe thing it might have been
trying to go for, but hold on, let's back up: Had you not seen any
other M. Night Shyamalan movies? Were you, like, maybe one of the first
people to see The Sixth Sense, before everyone knew Bruce Willis was
dead, so you were impressed by that, and then I guess Unbreakable was
okay, but then somehow you missed Signs, which involved Earth being
invaded by aliens whose secret weakness is water, which somehow wasn't
an issue for most of the movie even though much of our planet's
atmosphere is made of water? And The Village, which involved a commune
trying to control its children by parading around at night in giant
evil vole suits so they wouldn't stray too far from the settlement even
though the real danger wasn't giant evil voles, it was the fact that
they were living in modern times as a means to escape the pain of
something that happened in the 1970s that no one was really clear about
because they were just so blindsided by the fact that OMG this movie
got made? And Lady in the Water, which involved something called a
scrunt? A scrunt! This man's genius knows no bounds. Just kidding. It
does. He's horrible. I mean, when you didn't have to fight Bryce Dallas
Howard for this role, did that not tip you off that it was going to be
a monstrous, self-indulgent, non-sensical, scientifically impossible,
poorly-scripted, over-dramatic, cavernous suck-fest? Or did you only
realize that once you got on-set, when it was too late to back out? Is
that why your character Alma is such a wide-eyed, blank-faced, icy,
vapid thing that keeps doing totally stupid shit like REMAINING OUTSIDE
when it's clear that being outside is killing people (the trees OMG!)
and also continuing to remain married to Mark Wahlberg's character even
though he is clearly in some kind of arrested development involving
the scientific method? Did the cast all band together and say, “Hey,
let's passive-aggressively wreck what's left of this awful movie by
being really bad at what we're being paid a lot of money to do!” Is
that it? Anyway. Alma should have left totally left Mark Wahlberg for
that guy she “had tiramisu” with, and YOU should have left THE SET
after reading that line in the script. Seriously. And I say this all as
a friend.
Anyway, so, is or is not Mark Wahlberg playing himself in the movie?
Because, see-- okay, this is kind of funny-- my boyfriend and I saw the
movie after seeing that Andy Samberg sketch on SNL with the goat and
the donkey and everything, so that's all we could think of during the
movie. We kept saying stuff like, “Hey tree, how ya doin'? I like ya
toxins. I'm Mark Wahlberg,” and “Hey little kid, how ya doin'? Say
hello to ya motha. Oh wait, she's dead.” We still say it to each other
all the time and it's sooo funny. Sometimes we even leave each other
voicemails in that voice, like, “Hey, how ya doin'? Ya not answerin' ya
phone. Say hello to ya motha. Call me back!” Ahahahaha! It's so funny.
Or maybe you had to be there. Oh wait, you WERE there! You were in that
movie! Seriously, WHY?
Anyway, so, that Jim Carrey Yes Man movie-- is that going to be any
good? I really hope so. After Eternal Sunshine, I really hoped he was
turning things around, but it just hasn't happened. And didn't he
already make this movie once before, anyway? Liar Liar, right? Starring
that kid from Home Alone 3 as his adorable foil? Are you reprising
the role? I saw the preview. You ride a scooter or a motorbike or
something. Cool! I want a scooter. I bet you have a scooter in real
life, right? I bet your scooter is almost completely awesome, just like
you. I bet your scooter wears adorable clothes all the time and that
its hair always looks great and it sings real nice and writes beguiling
little pop songs that I like to listen to and mostly stars in great
movies and TV shows. Mostly. It's just generally a fantastic scooter
except that one part of it that starred in The Happening, which is the
one part holding it back from complete scooter awesomeness. Okay, okay,
sorry. That's the last crack I'll take. I know you've gotta have your
reasons. It's none of my business. And I know you really want to keep
going with this music thing, and it doesn't pay too well, and you gotta
scrape together some change for Volume Two somehow. Speaking of which,
so excited about that. Can't wait to hear it. Maybe we'll put you on
the cover again next year... You'll know why. Wink wink.
Well, anyway, I guess I've rambled on long enough. Write back when you get the chance. Man, it's so fun having a pen pal! I feel like I'm ten again.