Unglued: Gazing into the Crystal 8 Ball

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Any music magazine can use its year-end issue to look back on the best of the year that was. But only Paste—using the latest findings from scientists at the Large Hadron Collider—has the technology to foretell the best of the coming year. Gaze with us into the crystal 8 ball as we reveal the secrets of 2009.

Jan. 13 President-elect Barack Obama appoints Jay-Z to be his Treasury Secretary, explaining, “Mr. Carter isn’t a businessman, he’s a business, man.”
Jan. 20 Katy Perry releases greatest-hits single.
Jan. 22 PitchforkMedia.com institutes new policy: From now on, all releases will be reviewed using only lolcats pictures.

Feb. 15 Lifetime airs Have You Seen My Panties? The Britney Spears Story.
Feb. 24 Ghost of Ronnie Van Zant begins haunting Kid Rock.

March 3 Moby produces album for his younger sister, Moby Lynn.
March 16 Deputy Treasury Secretary Suge Knight dangles Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao out of a window ’til he offers the U.S. billions in interest-free loans.

April 17 Amy Winehouse is quarantined after contracting what baffled scientists conclude can only be “The Andromeda Strain.”

May 12 To undermine the paparazzi, Kanye West begins taking his own picture at arm’s length whenever he’s in public, hollering at himself, “look over here!”
May 19 Apple files patents on “music,” “listening” and “ears.”
May 21 R. Kelly tells interviewer he’s hoping to meet Miley Cyrus at the Grammys this year, “while she’s still hot.” And he wants to know if they’re making any more High School Musical movies.

June 2 Bloggers discover that if you play Girl Talk’s Feed the Animals backwards, it’s a recitation of the U.S. Copyright Code as it pertains to fair use, stitched together, word-by-word, from samples.
June 18 Frances Bean Cobain begins summer internship at Paste.

July 3 Jimmy Buffett dies tragically, becoming one of the 150 people killed each year by falling coconuts.

Aug. 3 Liam Gallagher protests ?presence of Noel Gallagher at Glastonbury Festival.
Aug. 4 Younger sisters of Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan release albums.

Sept. 2 The White Stripes, Black Kids, Black Lips, Pink, Green Day, Redman, Deep Purple, Indigo Girls, Orange Juice, Yellowman and the Blue Man Group collaborate on cover of “The Rainbow Connection.”
Sept. 21 Secretary Carter releases single to explain the economic improvements offered by universal health care; rhymes “Boehner” with “lamer.”

Oct. 13 Axl Rose releases his fifth album of the year, this one a collection of jazz standards.
Oct. 18 After only one appearance, Leonard Cohen is dropped as the Jonas Brothers’ opening act.

Nov. 22 Following the successful implementation of Wii Bowling at many retirement homes and senior centers, Nintendo releases Swing Band, letting players live out their Benny Goodman/Tommy Dorsey dreams. (Game comes with 24 instruments, costs $5,000.)

Dec. 28 Slowly working his way through the U.S. Census list, John Mayer goes on a date with you.