An Army Parade Would Be Awesome: Political Analysis by 11-year-old Timmy JimPhoto courtesy of Getty Politics Features Army Parade
A Army parade would be so awesome! Here’s why.
Number one: Mr. Trump is an awesome leader of the best country ever!
Number two: The Army is awesome and it’s really dangerous. Those missiles are SO big, they probably weigh six or seven fire trucks or maybe even more.
And all the great American soldiers would have all their guns out, M-16s probably, and they’d be poking up in helmets out of the hatches of tanks and HumVees rolling down Constitution Avenue in the capital of the free world! Don’t mess with the best.
The guns would all probably have to be loaded, too, or else it wouldn’t be taken seriously.
Here’s another reason the guns should be loaded: I’d bet the terrorists would love to make an attack on Parade Day in the world’s capital. And I’d sure like to see them try! Haha! I bet they couldn’t even finish screaming before they’d be killed by our snipers, who can kill you from like five miles away or maybe even more.
They’d have silencers.
Speaking of terrorism, it’s probably actually smart to have military parades in our biggest cities all the time.
What’s even more cool is Mr. Trump will finally get to wear a big general’s uniform with lots of medals and ropes on his shoulders and a big hat with a silver eagle on it the size of your face. I don’t know what color his uniform should be, though, because think about how many different places our troops are in. Should he have the desert camouflage for Iraq and Syria and Afghanistan, or the green one for the Philippines and Somalia? North Korea is next, too, so maybe green is best to make sure they know we’re gonna turn em into a parking lot if they don’t shut up.
There are eleven more reasons we need a parade.
1. Mr. Trump is actually really strong and the world needs to know it.
The media always says he’s weak but he’s really big and really strong, not like String-Bean Obama. What did Obama eat? Arugula. What does Trump eat? Steaks, all the time. But you never know that Trump is strong because of the media and also because he’s so humble. He’s the most humble person ever.
By the way “the world” means other countries need to know it, but it also includes the United States, which has like two countries now.
2. We haven’t won a war in forever.
This is a little like Number One, but the United States Army hasn’t won a war in a really long time. Obama couldn’t finish the job, and he’d been given five chances: Afghanistan and Iraq and Syria, and apparently Yemen and Africa, too. And he couldn’t win any of them, even though he had the best Army ever.
3. Mr. Trump fixed the worst Army ever.
Obama didn’t respect our troops and he let our fleets rot and deplete, which is why he couldn’t win any wars. But now that Mr. Trump is President things are different, and he can prove it to everyone with a parade of weapons.
4. If we had a woman President we’d never have a military parade.
This would be a very clear statement from Mr. Trump, and it would probably be unspoken, too.
5. Melania Trump
We finally have a First Lady who knows how to not mouth off all the time. And when she stands next to Mr. Trump with her steely gaze, the whole world will know just how much she respects the leader of the free world, and she wouldn’t even have to say a word.
6. WORLD PEACE!
This is probably the best reason: We need to prove we really have nukes. North Korea and Russia and China have nukes and they make sure everyone knows they can annihilate them any time they want to, and everyone respects that. But when was the last time you saw an American nuclear missile? If I were Russia I’d think Obama might have secretly destroyed all of them. But if we showed those countries that our missiles are bigger and longer and we’re not afraid to use them, then they’d probably get scared enough to put theirs away and we’d finally have world peace, and it would all be thanks to Mr. Trump and his parade strategy.
7. General Michael Flynn.
Mr. Trump would be able to use the grand spectacle of the parade as an opportunity to reinstate his best friend, General Michael Flynn, back to his honorable service to the United States.
8. Mad Dog Mattis.
Mad Dog needs to show everybody he’s a serious leader and isn’t just tough talk. Because when Mad Dog stands up there next to our weapons they’ll make him look like someone you should take super seriously. He would 100% stand right next to Mr. Trump, and General Kelly, and General Flynn, and they could wear identical uniforms and salute our troops with identical thousand-yard stares, and that way all the generals and Mr. Trump would make Mad Dog look strong and like a legitimate leader. But maybe that would be too obvious?
9. More parades.
When everyone sees how awesome this parade was, we would have more parades in other places. Like New York City, which is the second biggest city in the world (Tokyo is number one), but everyone who actually lives there are just wussy Dumbocrat morons and writers and Broadway dancers and jewelers who haven’t learned how to defend themselves from terrorism. I wasn’t even born yet when 9/11 happened, but terrorism still happens in New York City all the time. New Yorkers need to learn how to get tough, and if New York City would just let the United States in there, I bet we would really be able to help them a lot. Then Mr. President could build a huge tower to watch the parade on Fifth Avenue, maybe, and all those New York bankers would finally see in person how strong he is, and you could even have the government put TRUMP on it in gold letters. But that might be a little overboard.
10. It would cost a LOT of taxpayer money.
Can you imagine how scared you’d be if you were other countries and you saw the U.S. was willing to spend millions of dollars on a military parade? There are plenty of other things we could spend that money on, but we’ve got our priorities straight.
11. The troops.
I can’t decide if this is the best reason, or if world peace is the best reason. Because even though world peace is important, Mr. Trump also needs to show how much he respects our troops. The parade is probably the best way to do that, to let them show off all their guns for once, and how they’re ready and willing to kill enemies. They want to do that. And, again, if terrorists show up then we could have the chance to show our skills, too. So I guess if you take that all into account maybe this is the best reason.
So really I guess that question is settled, except for the question about what Mr. Trump would wear. He’d probably want to dress up like a soldier, to show his solidarity with all the troops he might sacredly have to order off to die soon, but there are so many other Americans that Obama also hated that need to be honored.
So that’s option one: A soldier.
But also, Mr. Trump could dress up as a no-nonsense policeman, with handcuffs out and at the ready for any bad-boy criminals.
Or maybe a muscly construction worker, with a hard hat and overalls, covered in grease after a long day of blue-collar work.
Or he could dress up as an all-American cowboy, in a leather vest and leather chaps, for the days back when America was great and real men ruled the country.
But now that I think of cowboys, he could also instead dress up as an Indian Warrior Chief, in a full headdress and everything, out of respect for the Native Americans. Because if you think about it they were actually the first U.S. Army.
Whatever Mr. Trump chooses, though, this military parade in the middle of the nation’s capital will make it clear to the whole world that the President of the United States of America is a Macho Man.