Dear Mr. President,
My mind is very much on my work today, as we run into the wild woods of political crisis. But more to the point, my mind is on your job. That’s just the kind of guy that I am. Believe me, nobody appreciates your efforts more than I do. I understand that great men are beset on all sides, by the pettiness of haters and losers. I have not stopped praying and thinking of you for a second—even when I sleep. All the ponies on my sprawling ranch are concerned for my health, and my hired hands are keeping edged weapons away from me. Still, may I give you a word of advice?
Fire Robert S. Mueller III, the special counsel investigating you. Doing so would be an integral part of the Trump brand.
Don’t you want to show Senator Lindsey Graham, who said there’d be “Holy hell to pay” if you dismissed the special counsel? Are you really going to let Graham threaten you? For real?
And Mueller! I mean, the guy just indicted your associates. Can any two-bit attorney push around the Trump family? Aren’t you sick of this buster dragging around your associates like he was, I don’t know, some kind of lawyer? Who does he think he is, Mr. President? I ask you.
Fire Mueller, Mr. President. It’s not that I want you to get in trouble. It’s just that I know how big an impact the media has on your mind. As a member of the media, I feel it’s my duty to use my voice in a productive way. If every journalist and talking head tells you to fire Mueller, you’ll do it.
You depend on us. Of course you do; how could you live without us? You say you hate us, but let’s be honest—just between the two of us. You’re our creation. We bear a lot of responsibility for you. We’re in a codependent relationship. Frankly, how could we in the media live without you? You’re the grotesque, lifeless moon to our oceanic tide. But that’s beside the point.
Some people, people you trust, will tell you that firing Robert Mueller would be the end. That if you fire Mueller, that would be an obstruction of justice, and you would be impeached. And Mike “Let’s Stone the Witches” Pence would step into the office.
Don’t listen to those people. Listen to me, Mr. President. Fire Robert Mueller, who is investigating you. Firing Mueller will make everyone happy. It will make you happy, it will make me happy, it will make millions of Americans happy.
Here’s another member of the press, the Post’s Steve Vladeck, making a similar case. True, he uses different words, but he arrives at the same conclusion:
The news Monday that Robert S. Mueller III’s investigation of possible connections between the Trump campaign and Russia had yielded indictments of Paul Manafort and Rick Gates and a plea deal with George Papadopolous will no doubt reinvigorate discussions within the White House about repeating history and cutting off Mueller’s investigation before it can go any further. For as bad an idea as this might seem to be at first blush, if President Trump really is worried about where Mueller’s investigation might lead, now may be the best possible moment for him to take such a step — and to dare the members of his own party in Congress to respond.
Dare them, Mr. President. Show them who’s boss. We all know you can do it. It’s worked before, why wouldn’t it work now?
You remember the former U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara? The one you fired earlier in the year? He’s been on Twitter, publicly naming you as a fool and criminal dupe before the entire world:
Don’t you want to hit back? I mean, if you think about it, you just have to. Remember the Mayor of San Juan, Carmen Yulin Cruz? All she did was call your competency and compassion into question, and you unloaded on her. Bharara is straight up saying you shouldn’t have your job. What does he know? You should show him, by firing Mueller. Give in to the urge. What use is it being President, if you can’t gratify your impulses?
Yes, Mr. President. I admit. Your flunkies are right. Impeachment would probably occur. It would be obstruction of justice—one of those legal terms. Law, amirite?
Donald—may I call you by your first name? You’ve never been one to consider the long term in any part of your life. Not in your personal relationships, not in your business, your trafficking, your golf, your racism, your walls, your public or private utterances. Your entire life is filled with the wreckage of people you’ve used and disposed of, like the wreckage of a chicken wagon strewn across a California black-tar highway. Mueller can be one more employee you fire.
And, honestly, wouldn’t it be worth it?
After all, deep down—just between us fellas—you’re sick of the office, aren’t you? I mean, let’s be real. It frustrates you. You thought your Dad would finally respect you if you were President. You imagined Manhattan would love you. But Fred Trump isn’t here today, and Manhattan hates you more than ever. And as soon as the people who voted for you find out they’ve been had, they’ll forget you too. True, they voted for you so they could troll the libs. But eventually they’ll want to collect on the debt. And that day is coming soon.
Firing Mueller opens a door you want opened. You don’t have to resign the office. You can leave the Presidency as a glorious martyr to … whatever the hell it is you stand for. Fire Mueller, get impeached, have Pence pardon you—and then Manhattan, Florida, and all the kingdoms of the world will be there for you. Go back to your golf courses, and gold escalators and half-thought-out white supremacy. Fire Mueller today.
P.S. Pence! Pence! Pence!