Sure, here at Paste we usually write about how horrified we are by Donald Trump and how he’s pretty much definitely not going to win the White House. But what if, somehow…he wins??
America is the land of eternal optimism. So rather than dwell on the negative possibilities, like America descending into neo-fascist chaos, let’s look on the bright side! The world of President Trump wouldn’t be all that bad! A Trump presidency might have some surprising benefits to it! For example:
1. Trump replaces the Secret Service with a sexy all-female Amazonian Guard like Muammar Gaddafi used to have.
2. After Trump follows through on his plans to deport all undocumented Mexican immigrants, white people will get a chance to lead a culinary renaissance of under-seasoned, ground-turkey-and-mayonnaise-based taco recipes.
3. America finally gets to just admit, “Yes, we really are THIS goddamn racist” and stop being so hypocritically in denial about it.
4. Music would probably get really good, with devastatingly angry protest songs like nothing we’ve seen since the heyday of The Clash. When national politics gets worse, music gets better, right??
5. Liberals will get to spend lots of quality time with their family and friends while being interned in political re-education camps.
6. I had a Muslim roommate once, and he was a real jerk. So it would be kind of hilarious to see him get banned from the country. (Ha ha! Suck it, Farouk!)
7. Beauty pageants will continue to exist, giving men a rare opportunity to sexually objectify attractive young women.
8. America will lead the world in finding new and innovative ways to punish and obliterate the poor.
9. Big growth opportunities for businesses that sell stupid, tacky bullshit. Trump’s presidency will lead America from the Knowledge Economy to “the Bullshit Economy.” With President Trump, America will be back in the bullshit business, and business will be very, very good!
10. Lots of new jobs in the career fields of grave digging, long term nursing care, and manufacturing prosthetics for veterans of President Trump’s inevitable new wars.
11. Maybe it somehow turns out that your racist, unemployable alcoholic uncle is actually a visionary genius whose support for Trump’s candidacy helped shepherd America into a new Golden Age?
12. We’ll finally be rid of Hillary Clinton.
13. President Trump inspires a new generation of leadership from America’s narcissists, braggarts and rich white grotesques.
14. Forget the man bun and the undercut—the hot new hipster hairstyle for 2017 is the Trumpian combover!
15. The American Dream finally gets the merciful death that we’ve all secretly been longing for. Admit it! Aren’t you kind of sick of this shit show of a country? Was there ever a more pompous, self-righteous, completely lacking in self-awareness country than America? President Trump is exactly the sort of comeuppance that this country deserves.
16. At last, America will start paying attention to the long-neglected concerns of white people.
17. Trump will crack down on the media with vindictive lawsuits and oppressive executive actions. Good! The media are a bunch of arrogant, incompetent, elitist jerks. America is right to hate the media. (And I say this as a member of the media—we suck!) If nothing else, we can all enjoy watching on live TV as Wolf Blitzer gets dragged away in shackles by government goons.
18. Lots of insufferable Bernie Bros will go to jail, and it will be fun to read their hilariously self-pitying prison memoirs.
19. President Trump’s ego-fueled militarism is going to be so much more unpredictably wacky than any president we’ve had before! What’s next? More war in Syria and Iraq? War in Pakistan? War against China, Mexico AND France? Oooh, how about war against Canada! Those damn Canucks have been riding America’s coattails and freeloading off of America’s economy and coasting on their amiable reputations for far too long. We’re coming for you, Canada! Your blandly agreeable dispositions won’t save you this time! Poutine sucks! And Tim Hortons is vastly inferior to Dunkin Donuts, which is vastly inferior to several other American regional donut-and-coffee eateries! And stop calling your dollar coin the “loonie”—it’s not cute; it’s LAME. (Only Canada would do something as twee as putting a bird on their national currency. Here in America, we use our currency to honor the memory of mass-murdering slave drivers, like God intended.) Canada, we’re gonna beat you like a Canadian NHL hockey team! I’m tired of waging unwinnable wars against countries we don’t understand! It’s time to wage a highly WINNABLE war against a country we’re actually familiar with, because familiarity breeds contempt! It’s best to hate what you know! (I have never been to Canada.)
20. No more of these pesky elections.